This is Me: Finding My Voice

So I have a hard time with being authentically me. And during this transition of life, I think one lesson God is trying to teach me is that freedom in Christ means the privilege to be authentically the way God has created me.

When I think back to April, I can’t help thinking how different of a mental place I was. I didn’t realize how much self-deprecation I have been doing. How scared I was to be authentically me. And how I constantly put on a mask. That mask led to me overcompensating my worth in relationships, in work, but also led to me trying to find reasons that I wasn’t worthy. But it also led to me consistently living in fear that those things will be gone

And that’s not freedom. That’s bondage to shame.

‘So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” …Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. ‘
John 8:31-32,34-36 ESV

The phrase who the son sets free is free indeed. And when we talk about it in church, it is always in relation to sin. But I’ve been thinking about relationships. And what is needed to have a true genuine relationship with God. And how, in order to be authentic in life, I have to first be authentic with God.

I hated myself. I was angry at God for making me this way. All my quirks, I couldn’t stand my personality. I was constantly comparing and believed that everyone’s lives were more worthy than mine. Treating others like their lives were more worthy. I didn’t express my opinions and people pleased so much that I didn’t even realize I wasn’t formulating opinions, I was just agreeing. And unbeknownst to me, I started to churn resentment within myself of others, and how successful their lives looked. Resentment of how others appeared to spur rewards for them being themselves while all I got when I replicated that formula was pain or failure, not my definition of success. And, if I’m being honest, I was frustrated. Frustrated at God for not letting me have what I saw others have. And I think that frustration built a belief that there was something wrong with me and nothing would fix that. So the only choice is to be miserable until death. Dramatic, yes but.

And before I proceed, I don’t’ want to say that I don’t ever feel like that anymore. I’m human with years of self-esteem issues that have been building up and haven’t been healthily dealt with. But during htis months there has been a shift. What I can say now, honestly, is that I approach life with God’s love as my source and not my desire to fit in. As the verse says …And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” ‘
Mark 12:30-31 ESV

To experience love I have to first love God first and let that love in turn be the catalyst and motive of me loving others and more importantly, myself. But also, I think, to be real I have to be honest about my feelings and give it to him. So that I am not lying to myself. And that is hard because sometimes I don’t want to acknowledge the pain someone or something has caused. Or I don’t want to acknowledge how broken I am, or even how something from my past can still have an impact in my present. Because it’s frustrating and at times, embarrassing. Which is why I think in 1 Peter 5, Peter says to first humble yourself before casting all your anxieties (other versions have cares) unto him.

‘ Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ‘
1 Peter 5:6-10 ESV

In this consistent casting, I started to see how a lot of my actions towards others were not through love but manipulation. Because I wanted to buy/win someone’s love. I wanted to feel worthy of something. Which causes me to go along with everything or not say my opinion, because I wasn’t keeping God at the center and doing actions thru his love that I’ve already received. It also didn’t allow me to acknowledge the unique ways God has created me. And more importantly, if I didn’t walk in that uniqueness then I was disobeying God’s command.

It also made me see how scared I was to be me. I felt as if I would lose friendships. And I haven’t. I’ve actually grown closer. I stopped believing that no one liked me and started inviting people and hanging out with people. And I’m still working on this but I’m learning to stop comparing at others’ lives and to embrace mine. My friendships. And it’s hard. Especially when I see people having the life I envisioned. But sometimes my greatest enemy is my mind. I undervalue peoples love of me and overvalue their hatred, because if I’m being honest that’s how I treat myself. But no more. I latched onto people who treated me poorly because I saw their love as a prize instead of watering the love my true friends gave me freely. But no more

To be genuinely me is freedom. Freedom that Christ died and resurrected for. Freedom that I have because I am an adopted child of God. But also, freedom that the devil doesn’t want for me.

‘For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, ‘
Romans 8:14-16

But I am also cognizant of the fact that in order to be authentically me, I need the Spirit to lead my actions. I need to surrender to God’s will and not mine. Daily. Give us today our daily bread.

And I pray that I pick up my cross daily and surrender to God’s will and let him lead me.

Shout out to this new stage: My authentic self.