This is Me: Finding My Voice

A blog to openly put all my feelings while I'm discovering and loving myself.

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  • Crossroads

    I think I’m in an interesting crossroad. Because I still acknowledge that God is good and will always show gratitude to Him. But I genuinely hate this path that I’m on in regards to relationships. It’s tiring never feeling understood. Or being seen. Sometimes I feel like God has answered my prayers with a friend and then I realize oh wait I they’re very important to me I’m just not to them. And then I see people with their groups and their meals and brunch and having someone to discuss shows and then I realize the sad truth again. That I’m all alone. That if I don’t engage, I won’t chat. That I have to always reach out to maintain. And now. I don’t know. It feels like a punishment. I know it’s not true, but it feels like God hates me. I thought this would get better when I went to hs. Actually hs was the most fun bc I did have that. Huh maybe I’ve been chasing that high. Bc in college, I felt so small and forgotten. And now I’m 26 and realizing how little and unimportant I am. Like yea people love me but there’s a difference between being loved and being valued. And I’m just not valued the same. And I hate this. If it wasn’t a sin, id end this. But I can’t. So I now have to live with this pain until God either decides to end my misery or death. Soo… here we are. And everyone will assure me. But I know what happens. People try but we’re not compatible, and then they find their significant others or more compatible friends and I’m left how I’m feeling again. And it’s just a cycle. Except that it is getting more and more painful. I think that I’m easy to like but hard to love. And once  oeoole see me they’d rather set distance.  Right now I’m 26, most of my friends aren’t married but dating. Imagine in 10 years, 20 years when they start to have kids, grandkids. And I’m still alone. With friends but not prioritized. It’s just me and God. He said it’s not good for man to be alone and I guess im the example of that verse. Lucky me. Haha. I don’t know how to talk to my family and let them know. With my friends I talk too much but they have other priorities. Sigh. 

    I see everyone in their friend groups, having someone to talk to. And then I see me. I’m tired of being this caricature of younger sister who is always needing help or always going through something. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never be the friend who’ll be in gc or go on girls trips and maybe I need to be ok with being alone. And enjoying my friendships/relationships knowing that they’ll do those friendships things with others and I’ll never be that special to them. I’m good. Just not good enough

  • Here we go again

    Since I was a kid, I have felt like an outsider. I’ve been yearning, craving to feel wanted. I remember in middle school, I had some money for the bake fair and someone in band casually said she wanted something and I bought it for her, ignoring my plight. And it wasn’t a feel-good moment. I wanted to buy her love. And it didn’t work. lol it never works. I remember feeling like an outsider and being angry. Blaming my parents that I couldn’t hang out with my parents outside of school because they were strict. I wasn’t cool because I had an android, so that’s why I wasn’t included in the group chat. Blaming them for not teaching me Yoruba. That’s why I’m not that connected with my culture or with people from there.  We’re in the USA when all of my family is in London or Nigeria. That’s why I’m not close with them or chat with them. Blaming them for that too. Blaming my parents for them becoming pastors when I was a teenager. That’s why I don’t have those strong relationships no more. Because I didn’t see them  as often. Or I wasn’t as loud or as cool. College was when I was angry but then it became anger at myself. Angry that I wasn’t danceable enough. I thought that I would be desired and when I wasn’t, I became angry that I didn’t learn makeup in hs. I felt too awkward and ugly. That’s why I couldn’t have close friends or even guy friends. I would see my friends and they would hang out in groups and I’d just think where was my invite? Or why was I not a thought? Or my favorite. Are people having a sitcom college years and I’m the only one not? And then when my sisters went to college and they found their friend groups and they had stories and they had bonding stories and then. The anger turned to sadness because I realized the common factor. Me. It’s no one’s fault but mine. I am why I am. And unfortunately, I don’t know how to be at peace with that. Knowing that i may be regulated to background friend for the rest of my life. I keep on being excited for every new stage of life in hopes that maybe this loneliness will go away and I’ll finally feel enough. Pretty enough. Enough of a friend that people will want to call. And the issue is I’m not satisfied. I’m like an addict, not enjoying the moment because I’m moving on trying to replicate the next feeling. I talk to a friend, hear them talking about going to brunch and then I’m jealous and thinking why not me? Is there something about me? What do I have to change to be wanted. And now I’m trying not to change but if I’m being honest, I don’t think people want to be friends with me. I’m annoying, sensitive, hypocritical, emotional, and awkward. And I think that’s where I’m at right now. Sitting with me. I’ve tried the clothes, I’ve learned the makeup, I’ve done the lingo, I’ve changed and nothing has worked. Even when I feel enough, I go in the world and the invisibility makes me question me. I think a big problem is I don’t trust me. I don’t trust my choices, because I’ve just agreed with everyone for so long. And yes people can tell me omg you’re so beautiful you’re so lovable but am I? I walk with my friends and hear them getting picked on, and I’m there. Invisible. And yes I’m aware of how insecure I am. I am aware and I’m trying to find a therapist. I know I’m young but I just feel angry. Angry that these moments I really wanted I may never experience yet others get too. I may never experience these things of being wanted and chosen. Or even worse, I had it and couldn’t recognize it because I was looking for the next thing. Idek I try and i just feel like I’m always going to be regulated as a friend that’s there. I think about my wedding sometimes. Who will be there and sometimes it feels like there’ll be so many people there. But then I think, would they invite me to theirs? Just to hang? Do I know anything about them or do I want the illusion of love. 

    I’m also angry at God.  For making me this way. I’m not going to lie, these past 2 (26) years just feel harder. And I just don’t know how to get better. Even when I feel good, I get a reminder that I don’t. Even my sisters. Everyone telling me I dress ugly, I don’t do my makeup correctly. Me is not good enough. I’ve been compared to people since I can remember. To the point that I wonder if people are jealous of me. The only “cool” thing I did was get to Princeton. And I don’t…I don’t know. It seems like the friends I desire, I’ll never be it. I don’t even think I know how to be q friend. Just exist. Everyone just sees me as little sis and I hate that. I don’t always need help but I don’t know how to relate. What a turn. Before I couldn’t express and now I can’t shut up. And then romantic relationships…it’s such a sore subject bc people don’t get it. I have tried and the guys I like a) never like me. They like girls that aren’t me. I feel like I have such a victim complex ugh I’d hate this person if I knew them.  But all the guys I wanted have never liked me, but they’ve liked the girls I wanted to be. With the weaves, the good makeup, the Pilates a week. And I know I could be that girl. But I don’t want to be. I like my hair and wearing it the way I do. I like wearing the clothes I wear. But it just feels like another example of I’m wanted but not WANTED. I think of how I’ll probably be a bridesmaid to 2 weddings (my sisters) and that’s just by default. Honestly, I feel like a waste of space. Or actually an in between. And maybe I get so territorial. Because I know that once I fully open up, people get turned off and find an easier…better person. It happens almost every time, in college, in high school, and post. I am so aware of my flaws. That I’ll never be the friend with a bestie. I just don’t radiate that energy. And I feel so lonely. And alone and it’s a gaping hole that empty words can’t fill. I don’t want encouragement. I want to be longed and feel satisfied. And I hate that I want others to feed this insecurity but he’ll…I’ve tried. And I think when I seek God, I just…idk. I compare and think why me. I should be more grateful but it also feels like everyone just wants to advise me or tell me what I’m doing wrong. I if you had told me at 22, that I’d still be struggling with the same things. HA! Idek anymore. I can’t kill my self bc…sin but man…if it wasn’t. Anyways, I just feel off. I dislike where I’m at and idk. No romantic relationships, I think God doesn’t like me bc why make me this way. I want to be free of this thinking. I want to be satisfied. But I also want to feel desired. And desirable. Idk I guess I just need to let go of all this stuff. Help me to believe the truth you’ve said because life hurts. Help me to be a better friend. To be a friend I desire not for gain but show your love. Same with being a good daughter and sister and church sister. Idk. Show me the path. Even if I moved out of nyc to random ass Texas it’ll be the same story. I’ll say oh I should’ve moved here earlier everyone has their groups. The truth is, nothing will change until I transform. Lord deliver me. All I seem to do is hurt me and myself. Give me a sound mind. Silence the noise in my mind so I can hear you. I want to love me and see me the way you do. And be content in you. But I really don’t see it. I’m thinking about my 21 and how bad it was and how I keep pushing. I wish I could redo my teens and 20s. My foundation. I just feel like I jumped from child to adult without the development. But I’m really sad. And lonely. And feel unseen by everyone and misunderstood .

    Will this ever go away? or will I be 35 going through this while all my friends are married with children and I’ll be here crying and wondering why not me? As my friends are in relationships are starting to get married.

    The Lord will fight for me. I need to be still. So I guess mind. Be still. I don’t know. I just don’t see the beauty in life. And everyone says suffering is Godly, but is this what God wants? Disappointment in the name of Christ? Insecurities and constantly wondering why I’m created this way? I pray that I be the version of me he created me to be and if this is it…well damn. I guess I may be sad all my life.

    Goodness and mercies are running after me. And I just feel sad. I get sad thinking m parents may not be alive to meet my husband or kiss.. or that it’ll never happen. Not because I don’t want it to. I’m just not desired in that way. I think I need a break from life. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to be a permanent break. So…

    Huh. I’m really angry. and feel abandoned. and forgotten. And these are childhood scars. So… what do I do now? I’ve prayed for a therapist. I want to be better. I want to have self-love and love myself so much that the world can’t take it. But it’s not working. and I want it to. So bad. I want the anxiety and insecurities to go away. And here we are.

  • Choosing Joy

    So.

    Today was interesting. I had a very honest and intimate dinner with a friend, and it made me contemplate and feel a lot.

    Like I’ve said in past blogs, I’m working on this self-love journey. And something I’m realizing is I choose sadness. I was unemployed for 15 months and I have a job. That isn’t perfect but is good. And I can’t even relish in that. Instead, I’m moving over to the next part of my life that isn’t perfect.

    It’s like I choose sadness and being in a storm before I’m actually in one. And I don’t know why. Is it because it’s comfortable? Am I uncomfortable with joy? Do I like to self sabotage?

    Proverbs 15:15 TPT says Everything sees to go wrong when you feel weak and depressed. But when you choose to be cheerful, every day will bring you more and more joy and fullness.

    Feelings v. choce. And I’m not saying that sadness and depression and anger isn’t right. I think it’s saying that despite the depression, you have to choose joy and cheerfulness. Anyone who has expereinced depression knows that at times it doesn’t feel like a choice. External and internal cirumstances can make it inevitable. But choosing cheerfulness and joy. I also don’t think you can do that without the Holy Spirit.

    It’s hard to choose joy and happiness. And I think something I had to sit with is what if when I ask, I don’t get it in big ways but in the small things. Maybe the train came on time. Maybe a friend sent a thinking of you text.

    Sigh. Right now I feel myself slipping. And I know it’s partly because I’m not talking to God. It’s also partly because I’m looking at my life as a to do list. What’s next ? What haven’t I accomplished? What’s missing?

    I feel lonely. But I don’t know if I feel lonely because I do or because I’m bored or because society is telling me. Sometimes I feel like I get a crush because I want to feel rejected/confirm that I’m not loved. Which isn’t true. I have a crush on someone right now (which is a lack of info) and while they’re attractive, sometimes I wonder if it’s because I know they don’t like me. So, it’s confirmation. And it’s kind of self-deprecating.

    Wait, do I use crushes as a way to self-sabotage my happiness? Because what if they do have a crush on me? What if people have crushes on me the way I have on others? And my friend was encouraging me to go on bumble. And I didn’t want to say that half the reason I don’t want to is because that weird rejection when the guys I desire don’t desire me And I already compare myself too much to people.

    Lol I’m reminded of that Perks of being a wallflower quote: We accept the love we think we deserve. I guess I think I deserve to be neglected or rejected. Because the friends who love me openly, I treat sparingly and the ones who are aloof I put all my energy in. Sigh

    I need to be intentional about loving myself so I can accept love well. And love others well. And have boundaries. So, I can choose happiness, choose joy, and cheerfulness.

    God, hep me to stop self-sabotaging. Help me to see myself the way you see me. Help me to stop acting like I’m in a storm before I am. Please let me have boundaries so I can love the friends you’ve placed in my lives and do it well.

  • Scared of Happiness (& Leadership)

    Leadership has always scared me. I’ve never wanted to be in the spotlight. I wanted to help those in it but never wanted to be the face. I always attributed that to stage fright, to how I speak and slur words.

    And some of it is insecurities of things like those and are valid. But a big portion of it if I’m being honest is I don’t want to be the face. Being the face means higher scrutiny, higher accountability, and just not being devoid of judgment.

    When I became president of ASA, I thought and worried and then a scandal happened. And I had to own it, even tough I wasn’t the one who did it. Because I’m president. I’m the face. And I learned, I grew and am grateful for that experience.

    But leadership in church/ministry leadership. That’s a different beast. And I think it’s because I don’t want to be anyone’s moral compass. All those other clubs, no one expected me to be their guide. I could do whatever without worrying about how people perceive me. If someone saw me drinking or kissing or cursing or whatever without being worried about being perceived.

    And I’m not saying that’s what I’m doing or what to do. I think I want the freedom to make mistakes. to be human. And I don’t know if that’s freedom or bondage. And I guess, the underlying things is I don’t want to be held accountable by the public. By people who aren’t walking and doing life with me.

    I think there’s also a selfish approach. I’m still in my 20s. And I think about the things that I want to have the luxury of doing without thinking about being perceived. I want to be able to bar hop with my friends. I want to be able to just have the freedom to live a human life without the public scrutiny and fallback.

    James 3:1-2 states that 1Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

    Luke 12:48 shows that “… Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.”

    All this to say, when you’re perceived more, there is more expected of you.

    And yet…

    Who am I to say no to God? And if I am called to this position, this role, God knows better? Matthew 6:33 states to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. I need to seek God’s kingdom first. Not when it conveniences me, or when I’ve done all my “sinning”. 1 John 2:17 says The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

    Ultimately I think that’s it. I think there’s both feelings are valid. Personal feelings of sadness and feelings of being left behind. I’ve been on the other hands of Christians feeling like they’re “too holy” to hang with friends that they think are of the world. I know that feeling of sadness and judgment and I don’t want to push that on others.

    But maybe this isn’t judgment, but growth. There has to be a way to be in community and not abandon it?

    I haven’t even thought about leadership. I think I also have a high expectation of my leader’s and don’t want to be a hypocrite. Especially prayer. I have to be disciplined. And right now I’m not. How can I be a leader of prayerif my prayer life sometimes just is saying my prayers?

    I don’t want to bite more than I chew. I don’t want to fail the prayer misnitry. I don’t want to disobey God.

    I’m scared of growing and what I have to shed to continue growing. I’ve lost so many relationships already for being me. For my personality. My church has been a consistent place of community, a safe place, a refuge. I don’t want to lose that based off of y humaness.

    At the same time…

    I just feel like we can be doing so much with prayer. Our church needs prayer, not as a place to ask but a way to feel God’s love and be in communication. Like did God make us humans solely to chastise us and judge us? No. God strives for a relationship with us with love as the baseline. I’ts because of sin that we have wrath. And it’s because of God’s love that we have grace and mercy. 1 Corinthians 13:1-2 says 1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. I think a core part of prayer ministry is knowing what our community needs prayer for. And that calls being a part of the community.

    I was watching a sermon on Psalm 85. And it talked about how evangelizing is for non-believers and revival is for believers. And how revival isn’t a one time thing but we as Christians should constantly be praying for revival. And revival is enjoying Gods presence. It’s experiencing true joy and affirming God’s goodness. It’s obeying God’s wisdom and experiencing God. It’s expecting God’s blessings.

    If we focus so much on one aspect, we’re missing so many other crucial aspects of God that he wants us to see. God does judge and he doesn’t want us to sin. And I’m not affirming sin. But God also affirms us and assures us of who we are in Him. And if he does that, why can’t we? I don’t know. Sometimes I get frustrated because I think that people believe that being on the prayer ministry means casting out demons or performing miracles. But I don’t see it as that. We are God’s mouthpiece. And God is love so our prayers should also have love as the source of it. If we’re casting out demons, it should be because that’s what God desires but more important, let’s pray for their heart first. I don’t know. I just don’t want prayer to become performative or prideful. I want us to truly be a model of God’s love. Sometimes prayer feels selfish. we on pray about our needs, our desires, our wants. Is that what Jesus would want? 4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7

    In conclusion. I think I recognized through this blog that I was selfish. It’s ok to lament over what i might be missing out, I believe I should (very human of me). But at the end of the day, Jesus over everything. I don’t want that to just be a saying, but for it to actually be my heart posture. I don’t even know if this is what God has called me for in this season. Even though I’m out of the unemployment season (and we thank God!) I don’t forget how many jobs I thought were the one that wasn’t.

    So, what’s the cost of the oil God is asking me to give? What’s my alabaster and will I give everything? Will I trust that some friends may not understand but the ones he’s called will stay? What if this season is showing me what selflessness looks like? But also, not being in places that tempts me to sin? What is this is a season of boundaries. Of truly being intentional about everything? About discerning what’s right. Right now, fasting and consecrating of Saturdays on the days I am serving on prayer is already a lot. Am I scared of what else God is asking me to put down.

    I’ll say yes God. With my whole heart. If that’s your desire. Let me trust God with my whole heart and in these times are hard and confusing, let me lean on you and not my understanding of people, of things. Let your word be a lamp to my feet and a light on my path. And if this is where you’ve called me, show me and make it clear. Let me come with a clear heart and humility to know that you are the potter and I am the clay.

    Thanks for your love. Let me exhibit that well.

  • F is For Friends

    I wonder who we’d be to each other if we met today.

    Would we be closer because there’s less insecurity from me? Less relying on you to be a role you never asked to be?

    Would we be farther apart, because I wasn’t so focused on growing our relationship?

    Should I trust that everything happens for a reason. That maybe we aren’t meant to be as close friends as my heart desire.

    But still…
    I wish you could know this version of me. The more self assured me.
    This version of me that has really valued finding love in self rather than others.

    Sometimes when I reflect on our friendship, it feels like a growing list of apologies and gratitude.

    Sorry for the entitlement, but grateful for your patience in me.
    Sorry for the anxiousness, but grateful for your consistency

    Hmmm

    Is this healthy? For me to regret heavily my past selves and behavior in relationships?
    Is this growth or self-hatred?

    I guess the self-love journey is still a jounrey.
    I guess our relationship, with as much joy as it brings, also brought me so insecurities.

    Insecurities that I’m too much. That I bring all my flaws.
    That I’m easily forgotten
    And I guess in me wanting to show up in our relationship now
    there’s still a part of me that’s insecure about who I am.

    A part of me that still wants to be worthy of your love
    Showing you how much I’ve changed.
    Choose me! Want me! Love me!
    Writing it out loud makes it seem pathetic.

    I can’t make you love me, but it does feel nice to be chosen.
    Maybe the problem is you’re choosing me in a way that doesn’t feel like love but is.
    But love is a choice.

    Forgive me, friend. For putting expectations on you that you never asked to carry.
    For putting my abandonment and insecurities on you and expecting you to be my Savior. My saving grace. MY confirmation that there’s nothing wrong with me. Is that fair to be inconsiderate of you and your feelings and wants in the relationship?

    Is that the purpose of friendship? To validate our own wants? To push us? Or to make us feel a fraction of the love that’s available.

    Sigh. This self-love journey hurts. It feels like when I’m 2 steps forwards something shows up that makes me want to take 3 steps back.

    But maybe this is what a journey is. Not a linear line, but one of highs and lows. The point is not to stop.

    So, friend. I do wish we were closer. But I love you. For who you are. Maybe one of the reasons I am hypersensitive about our relationship is it feels like a mirror to me. Of my flaws, of my desires. But also, what I could be. Maybe we’re too similar, maybe we’re not similar enough. Maybe you’re a latch that I just happened to get attached to. Maybe I have an addictive personality I don’t know.

    When I was younger, I would watch all these shows about sisterhood and laughing until you can’t breathe. I’d see them randomly pop up in their houses or randomly buy food or go on extravaganzas. And I wanted that. I still want that.

    But I don’t think it’s fair to push my desires on you. I think I need to enjoy the present instead of trying to change the past.

    I do miss those laughs. Those moments when I felt seen and loved. I also hoped you felt the same. I don’t know why I’m writing this like we’re not friends. It’s just…different. I’ve never liked change, but change is necessary for evolution and maybe also in relationships.

    I guess I’m scared that you won’t still know me. Or that you don’t want to. That you’ll use space as an excuse to vanish. Maybe I’m being scared. Maybe I’m justified. It’s probably a bit of both.

    I wish you could know me. But I wish I could know you too. More intitmately. But is that just entitlement. Control of your choices? Why can’ we be on the same page. Why does it feel like I miss you more than you miss me?

    It’s weird. Sighhh. No one prepared me for relationships when nothing doesn’t happen, you just…fall off. Even when you don’t want

    It may not always be this way. And I’m willing and able. But I’m also able and willing to adapt

  • Done with 25

    Today is the last day of me being 25. And also my last day on my parents’ insurance. lol. But in all seriousness.

    This year has been really, really hard. Change in friendships, spending 357 days of 25 being without a job offer, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, no money, and just confused. But this year also grew me. Like a lot.

    I started this blog, which I think has really helped me to process my feelings and write them down. And it has. I’ve been reading my old blogs of this year, and it’s crazy how much pain I was in this year. But how much I lamented to God and didn’t hold the emotions in. Which in the past, I’ve definitely done.

    And this year, I think (unintentionally) I’ve been better at not comparing myself and really trying to love myself. And honestly, the only way to do that was to have Christ at the center. Like loving myself through God’s eyes.

    I started to really seek God’s voice out. Especially in the confusion. There were so many moments in which I really believed God hated me, and yet I never stopped talking and crying to Him. I thought ok cool I’m supposed to be in North Carolina. Then rejection. And then I thought ok Connecticut. Then rejection. Oh my God, the rejections this year. I never want to see a workday account ad I’ve already deleted the LinkedIn app from my phone.

    But seeing the old posts. There are themes that I am still working through that I didn’t even realize was things that I peeped. I’ll say the words and the blogs that correlate

    And y’all God gave me the bigggest birthday presentt. I GOT A NEW JOBBBB. And it’s better work hours, more pay, and there’s growth opportunities. And the way I got it could have only been done. Like you don’t understand. I applied on June 23, by June 30 it was my job. No more take homes, not powerpoint presentation. Just favor and mercy. Like I have not been able to smile and stop singing. My heart has just been joyful. There have been many songs but here are the ones on repeat

    25 was rough, but I grew. In God, in self, in love. I think I’ve spent so much time acting like having insecurities makes me a bad person, instead of acknowledging my imperfections and challenging those insecurities with facts.

    Everyone always says that this year will be the best year. But I truly believe that 26 will be my best year. I’m walking in that joy, happiness, and hope. I’m understanding that although there is work to be done, I am a masterpiece. Where I was last year is such a testimony to God’s patience, kindness, and mercy on my life.

    Here’s to 26!

  • 5 Year Plan

    Dear God,

    I wish you would give me a 5 year roadmap. I am so grateful that you are intentional and timely and have a plan. I wish I did. My parents are trying but they act as if money is just flowing. Like I have time to think about things besides rent. And they act like I’m wasting my life which I gusss is confirmation of a fear that I have. I wish I wanted to go to law school or become a doctor or make policy. I genuinely am ok with going up the corporate ladder. How hard to explain that? That my desire is not to become a CEO but to have enough time. And I know it shouldn’t bother me but I think it is touching a sensitive point. I know i am at times stubborn and think that I know everything. I’m trying to break out of that but a hard thing is I don’t think people understand. I didn’t think I’d live past 22 and now I am and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had dreams of being a CEO. Most of my life has been surviving or fighting to stay alive from my self.

    And know I’m being asked to become this ambitious oeorson who has 20 side jobs while doing the main thing. And most of the time I’m just fighting to stay alive. How do you explain that to your father who doesn’t even know you’ve been suicidal? Who knows about you but doesn’t know uou? How do you explain. That to friends when you feel like all you do is rant? How do you pray for that to go away or to show up to A God who doesn’t want to show you your future.

    I got a word that the wait is over. And I believed that that was true. They said “I’ve never seen so many doors opened” and I felt it. And I’ve had so many interviews. And now I’m wondering if I should’ve prayed to steward well. I made it to round 2 to a couple. And I haven’t heard back. And I’m wondering if I missed my shot. What if the door opened and I wasn’t prepared so I couldn’t go through?

    And now, now I’m in a train. That was over 3 hours delayed. With food that I’m praying isn’t spoiled. Wondering what I’m doing with my life. I have an interview tomorrow with a CEO and I want to be confident because I really want the job but I don’t know.

    My unemployment has run out. And everyone (ny parents) are like take this time to get ahead of the curve, to create a business, to generate money. And I wish they can see that I’m just trying to survive. That I wish I had that ambition but I’m just trying to stay afloat. My father and I only really talk about money. He has this view that as my father I would only talk to him about career advice. But my father believes in capitalism and making money is the goal in life. And getting to heaven. 

    I don’t want to be known as someone who worked. I don’t want my identity to be work. But k want to be comfortable. I want to work for my purpose. I just don’t want that to be my life.

    And I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I’m sad that I can’t think too far past tomorrow. But that’s where faith comes in guess. I wish that I was someone who wanted to get an MBA and do all that. But I really just want to enjoy life. And if I’m being honest, I don’t know the last time I’ve enjoyed life for longer than a week.

    I was asked about my 5 year plan in an interview. I don’t think he was cool with it.  I just don’t know what to say. Work hard 

    I think now I just feel like a failure. Like I’m failing everyone around me. But I’m trying. I just want to grow in God. And be the person he wants me to be. It’s not that ambition isn’t in me. It’s that I’ve spent the past year staying afloat. It has only been God and me. Maybe when it all fades and I have a job I can think of the future. But , in a strange way, I’m just focused on the present while simultaneously angry about my actions in the past and worrying that I’m not prepared for a future I haven’t entered.

    Life is complicated. People are complicated. people think my intentions are not what they are. I think people’s are as well. Sigh. I don’t know. I feel like I’m spiraling because I’m tired. I’m tired of the pity. Of the what she’s doing wrong. Increase my faith, I guess. I don’t even think faith is the problem. This feels like a humiliation ritual.

    There’s my lament I guess.

  • Late Night Thoughts

    My head is overrun with thoughts. And I think it’s time to break out. I want a sound mind.

    I just came back from a retreat hosted by the women’s ministry at my church. And I realized a couple of things:

    1. It was spiritual gifts themed! My top 5 are
      • Exhortation
      • Teaching
      • Intercession
      • Administration
      • Leadership

    Am I surprised about any of these? Teaching kinda, but not really. It is feeling very preachy. But this is also not great for my ego.

    1. I have a really selfish view of love
      • So, after some sitting and processing with God (during the retreat), I realized I have a really selfish view of love. For me, love is viewed and seen through a lens of comparison.
        • We talk about how Jesus is the well that never runs dry. Well, because I view love through a lens of comparison, I’m constantly comparing my relationships to others’. If they seem closer to someone, I want that. If they do more things, I want that. The root is I’m torturing myself because I blame myself for the relationship not being “close”. And then the greed comes in. Because I’m greedy for their time and resources.
        • And I also have this fear that I’m not enough. And I think that makes me do things more as a way to buy people’s love. But it gets weird because I’d say that 80% of the time it’s genuine, but sometimes… sometimes it is for a selfish cause.
        • I want to genuinely be satisfied in my relationships, but sometimes…they don’t feel deep or intimate. And I don’t have people I talk to daily. Or often. And I get annoyed by people easily. And when I do try to go deeper, it feels…inauthentic. I don’t know. A lot of my friends from college are not friends anymore. Or I outgrew them. And it feels like this is my fault. Yes, people outgrow, but everyone? And it’s lonely. And hard. And I guess the root is that Jesus isn’t my center. Jesus isn’t my well. He’s the expensive water at the restaurant that’s going to cost substantially more, so I take tap, but it’s not as filling. And I don’t know. It feels the older I get, the more I crave relationships but I’m not good at sustaining them. Or maybe a better phrase is that I’m not good at sustaining the deep ones, and when they do get deep, I latch onto them at an obsessive level until I get bored or disinterested. And I look for the shiny new toy (another friend) until the cycle starts again.
      • How I got there was by thinking about God and my relationship. A couple of weeks ago, a divine word was spoken over me: “The wait is over”. I believed (and still do) that it meant that I would be receiving a new job soon. And so many doors have opened, job-wise. But I was thinking, what if I’m wrong? What if it’s not this? What if I’m in this period of joblessness longer? And although I may say that God will not abandon or forsake me, in my heart I doubt that. A lot.
        • I do think, after sitting with it, that my belief that God will abandon me is connected to the lack of love I have in myself. I always see myself as the last choice, and I also compare myself to others and am always falling short. Even this list is all things I need to improve and not positive traits.
    2. I don’t know how to rest in God.
      • I guess, with not being employed and not having something to do for 8 hours, I thought I’ve been resting in God. But that’s not true. When I went to the retreat, I truly rested in God. My body felt rejuvenated, and I guess I’m realizing that resting for me is shown when my mind is not racing. I slept before 1 every day. The minute I came back to NY I couldn’t sleep until 4AM.
      • And I think resting for me is seeing God’s glory. Being in nature. Not being stuck in my room. Worshipping. Talking to people. And not talking about hardships, just talking about life and “small talk”. And I laughed. And I worshipped. And I rested. And it was so so so needed. I didn’t realize how much heaviness I was carrying until I came back. My thoughts haven’t stopped rushing. So maybe it’s not I don’t know how to rest, but more it’s hard for me to fully rest in God.

    I’m also being really hard on myself. And I don’t know how to stop. Because I think I feel if I act a certain way, then things won’t change. Or things/people won’t leave me if I’m not. I guess the fear is that once I show my authentic/flawed self, people don’t want to stay. But I don’t want to lean on God, but I do want community. And because I yearn, I also will do whatever it takes to keep it, even if that means neglecting my true self. And this kinda reinforces that I (me) won’t ever find true love.

    I also learned that I’m truly suffering from ego. Self-doubt, low self-esteem, and excessive pride to mask. So yea…that’s great

    In this entire blog, I didn’t write one positive thing. And I still can’t if I’m being honest. This journey of self-love is really hard. And I think it’s harder without a path.

    It’s time to sleep.

  • Lack of Trust

    These have been hard 2 days. Since the unemployment chapter has started, these low moments are not uncommon. And if I’m being honest, these low moments were there well before I got laid off.

    I think about my life and I thought life would be easier. That I would feel more stable, confident. These low moments remind me of how hard it is. Imagine: My biggest enemy being someone that I can’t escape. I’m stuck with me. 24/7.

    Right now I’m navigating jealousy. And the issue is that my jealousy is rooted in lack of trust with God. Lack of trust in this…path I didn’t ask to be on. But I can take blame for some of that. It’s my DNA. My characteristics. My thought process. Things you gave,e. I just want to fit in. To be normal. To belong.

    And because I feel like an outcast, I’m jealous of others’ lives who have what I want. The friends, the personality. The confidence. All of it. I just…really wish that I wasn’t me. I want to be extraverted. I want to…not be me.

    And the lack of trust is because I don’t trust me as a good thing. Like why would people want to hang with me? I don’t want to hang with me.

    The traits that you’ve given me makes me feel like you hate me. I want to change myself so much and have to trust you that the way I’m made is for your glory. I don’t trust that love will find me the way I desire. And I have to grieve that I guess.

    I don’t know. Life is hard. So hard.

    I need a therapist.

  • Silence

    My relationship with God right now is complex and real.

    On one hand, He is my Savior and I do believe that he loves me. On the other hand, I feel invisible. I’m so tired. Of not being employed. Of seeing others receive answered prayers. But it’s more than that. I think in November, I was like ok will find part time. Now, it feels useless. I don’t want to be a teacher. All the interviews I get I bomb. I’m praying and asking and asking for a job to open up or for me to get money. Silence. He hasn’t told me to start a business. He hasn’t told me this is the job. It’s just been silence. So, here I am. 7 days from having to pay rent. Angry at this silence because I don’t know why.

    Is the anger enough for me to say there’s no God? No. I just don’t know what to do. My moral system and conscience are intertwined with the bible so even if I was to step away, my moral foundation is the bible. The options as I see it are believed in God but be miserable, don’t believe and do things that I wouldn’t do and be miserable. I unfortunately can’t see a way in which I won’t be miserable.

    the silence sucks. I feel ignored. Abandoned. I don’t know why this is my path. I just want security. why6 is that so much. Why isn’t that for me? Didn’t you say if he dresses the lilies with beauty and splendor how much more will he clotnhe you? I don’t know anyore this is my life i guess. everytime i want tos ay why there’s so many verses so i guess I’ll be miserable for God.