This is Me: Finding My Voice

A blog to openly put all my feelings while I'm discovering and loving myself.

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  • 5 Year Plan

    Dear God,

    I wish you would give me a 5 year roadmap. I am so grateful that you are intentional and timely and have a plan. I wish I did. My parents are trying but they act as if money is just flowing. Like I have time to think about things besides rent. And they act like I’m wasting my life which I gusss is confirmation of a fear that I have. I wish I wanted to go to law school or become a doctor or make policy. I genuinely am ok with going up the corporate ladder. How hard to explain that? That my desire is not to become a CEO but to have enough time. And I know it shouldn’t bother me but I think it is touching a sensitive point. I know i am at times stubborn and think that I know everything. I’m trying to break out of that but a hard thing is I don’t think people understand. I didn’t think I’d live past 22 and now I am and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had dreams of being a CEO. Most of my life has been surviving or fighting to stay alive from my self.

    And know I’m being asked to become this ambitious oeorson who has 20 side jobs while doing the main thing. And most of the time I’m just fighting to stay alive. How do you explain that to your father who doesn’t even know you’ve been suicidal? Who knows about you but doesn’t know uou? How do you explain. That to friends when you feel like all you do is rant? How do you pray for that to go away or to show up to A God who doesn’t want to show you your future.

    I got a word that the wait is over. And I believed that that was true. They said “I’ve never seen so many doors opened” and I felt it. And I’ve had so many interviews. And now I’m wondering if I should’ve prayed to steward well. I made it to round 2 to a couple. And I haven’t heard back. And I’m wondering if I missed my shot. What if the door opened and I wasn’t prepared so I couldn’t go through?

    And now, now I’m in a train. That was over 3 hours delayed. With food that I’m praying isn’t spoiled. Wondering what I’m doing with my life. I have an interview tomorrow with a CEO and I want to be confident because I really want the job but I don’t know.

    My unemployment has run out. And everyone (ny parents) are like take this time to get ahead of the curve, to create a business, to generate money. And I wish they can see that I’m just trying to survive. That I wish I had that ambition but I’m just trying to stay afloat. My father and I only really talk about money. He has this view that as my father I would only talk to him about career advice. But my father believes in capitalism and making money is the goal in life. And getting to heaven. 

    I don’t want to be known as someone who worked. I don’t want my identity to be work. But k want to be comfortable. I want to work for my purpose. I just don’t want that to be my life.

    And I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I’m sad that I can’t think too far past tomorrow. But that’s where faith comes in guess. I wish that I was someone who wanted to get an MBA and do all that. But I really just want to enjoy life. And if I’m being honest, I don’t know the last time I’ve enjoyed life for longer than a week.

    I was asked about my 5 year plan in an interview. I don’t think he was cool with it.  I just don’t know what to say. Work hard 

    I think now I just feel like a failure. Like I’m failing everyone around me. But I’m trying. I just want to grow in God. And be the person he wants me to be. It’s not that ambition isn’t in me. It’s that I’ve spent the past year staying afloat. It has only been God and me. Maybe when it all fades and I have a job I can think of the future. But , in a strange way, I’m just focused on the present while simultaneously angry about my actions in the past and worrying that I’m not prepared for a future I haven’t entered.

    Life is complicated. People are complicated. people think my intentions are not what they are. I think people’s are as well. Sigh. I don’t know. I feel like I’m spiraling because I’m tired. I’m tired of the pity. Of the what she’s doing wrong. Increase my faith, I guess. I don’t even think faith is the problem. This feels like a humiliation ritual.

    There’s my lament I guess.

  • Late Night Thoughts

    My head is overrun with thoughts. And I think it’s time to break out. I want a sound mind.

    I just came back from a retreat hosted by the women’s ministry at my church. And I realized a couple of things:

    1. It was spiritual gifts themed! My top 5 are
      • Exhortation
      • Teaching
      • Intercession
      • Administration
      • Leadership

    Am I surprised about any of these? Teaching kinda, but not really. It is feeling very preachy. But this is also not great for my ego.

    1. I have a really selfish view of love
      • So, after some sitting and processing with God (during the retreat), I realized I have a really selfish view of love. For me, love is viewed and seen through a lens of comparison.
        • We talk about how Jesus is the well that never runs dry. Well, because I view love through a lens of comparison, I’m constantly comparing my relationships to others’. If they seem closer to someone, I want that. If they do more things, I want that. The root is I’m torturing myself because I blame myself for the relationship not being “close”. And then the greed comes in. Because I’m greedy for their time and resources.
        • And I also have this fear that I’m not enough. And I think that makes me do things more as a way to buy people’s love. But it gets weird because I’d say that 80% of the time it’s genuine, but sometimes… sometimes it is for a selfish cause.
        • I want to genuinely be satisfied in my relationships, but sometimes…they don’t feel deep or intimate. And I don’t have people I talk to daily. Or often. And I get annoyed by people easily. And when I do try to go deeper, it feels…inauthentic. I don’t know. A lot of my friends from college are not friends anymore. Or I outgrew them. And it feels like this is my fault. Yes, people outgrow, but everyone? And it’s lonely. And hard. And I guess the root is that Jesus isn’t my center. Jesus isn’t my well. He’s the expensive water at the restaurant that’s going to cost substantially more, so I take tap, but it’s not as filling. And I don’t know. It feels the older I get, the more I crave relationships but I’m not good at sustaining them. Or maybe a better phrase is that I’m not good at sustaining the deep ones, and when they do get deep, I latch onto them at an obsessive level until I get bored or disinterested. And I look for the shiny new toy (another friend) until the cycle starts again.
      • How I got there was by thinking about God and my relationship. A couple of weeks ago, a divine word was spoken over me: “The wait is over”. I believed (and still do) that it meant that I would be receiving a new job soon. And so many doors have opened, job-wise. But I was thinking, what if I’m wrong? What if it’s not this? What if I’m in this period of joblessness longer? And although I may say that God will not abandon or forsake me, in my heart I doubt that. A lot.
        • I do think, after sitting with it, that my belief that God will abandon me is connected to the lack of love I have in myself. I always see myself as the last choice, and I also compare myself to others and am always falling short. Even this list is all things I need to improve and not positive traits.
    2. I don’t know how to rest in God.
      • I guess, with not being employed and not having something to do for 8 hours, I thought I’ve been resting in God. But that’s not true. When I went to the retreat, I truly rested in God. My body felt rejuvenated, and I guess I’m realizing that resting for me is shown when my mind is not racing. I slept before 1 every day. The minute I came back to NY I couldn’t sleep until 4AM.
      • And I think resting for me is seeing God’s glory. Being in nature. Not being stuck in my room. Worshipping. Talking to people. And not talking about hardships, just talking about life and “small talk”. And I laughed. And I worshipped. And I rested. And it was so so so needed. I didn’t realize how much heaviness I was carrying until I came back. My thoughts haven’t stopped rushing. So maybe it’s not I don’t know how to rest, but more it’s hard for me to fully rest in God.

    I’m also being really hard on myself. And I don’t know how to stop. Because I think I feel if I act a certain way, then things won’t change. Or things/people won’t leave me if I’m not. I guess the fear is that once I show my authentic/flawed self, people don’t want to stay. But I don’t want to lean on God, but I do want community. And because I yearn, I also will do whatever it takes to keep it, even if that means neglecting my true self. And this kinda reinforces that I (me) won’t ever find true love.

    I also learned that I’m truly suffering from ego. Self-doubt, low self-esteem, and excessive pride to mask. So yea…that’s great

    In this entire blog, I didn’t write one positive thing. And I still can’t if I’m being honest. This journey of self-love is really hard. And I think it’s harder without a path.

    It’s time to sleep.

  • Lack of Trust

    These have been hard 2 days. Since the unemployment chapter has started, these low moments are not uncommon. And if I’m being honest, these low moments were there well before I got laid off.

    I think about my life and I thought life would be easier. That I would feel more stable, confident. These low moments remind me of how hard it is. Imagine: My biggest enemy being someone that I can’t escape. I’m stuck with me. 24/7.

    Right now I’m navigating jealousy. And the issue is that my jealousy is rooted in lack of trust with God. Lack of trust in this…path I didn’t ask to be on. But I can take blame for some of that. It’s my DNA. My characteristics. My thought process. Things you gave,e. I just want to fit in. To be normal. To belong.

    And because I feel like an outcast, I’m jealous of others’ lives who have what I want. The friends, the personality. The confidence. All of it. I just…really wish that I wasn’t me. I want to be extraverted. I want to…not be me.

    And the lack of trust is because I don’t trust me as a good thing. Like why would people want to hang with me? I don’t want to hang with me.

    The traits that you’ve given me makes me feel like you hate me. I want to change myself so much and have to trust you that the way I’m made is for your glory. I don’t trust that love will find me the way I desire. And I have to grieve that I guess.

    I don’t know. Life is hard. So hard.

    I need a therapist.

  • Silence

    My relationship with God right now is complex and real.

    On one hand, He is my Savior and I do believe that he loves me. On the other hand, I feel invisible. I’m so tired. Of not being employed. Of seeing others receive answered prayers. But it’s more than that. I think in November, I was like ok will find part time. Now, it feels useless. I don’t want to be a teacher. All the interviews I get I bomb. I’m praying and asking and asking for a job to open up or for me to get money. Silence. He hasn’t told me to start a business. He hasn’t told me this is the job. It’s just been silence. So, here I am. 7 days from having to pay rent. Angry at this silence because I don’t know why.

    Is the anger enough for me to say there’s no God? No. I just don’t know what to do. My moral system and conscience are intertwined with the bible so even if I was to step away, my moral foundation is the bible. The options as I see it are believed in God but be miserable, don’t believe and do things that I wouldn’t do and be miserable. I unfortunately can’t see a way in which I won’t be miserable.

    the silence sucks. I feel ignored. Abandoned. I don’t know why this is my path. I just want security. why6 is that so much. Why isn’t that for me? Didn’t you say if he dresses the lilies with beauty and splendor how much more will he clotnhe you? I don’t know anyore this is my life i guess. everytime i want tos ay why there’s so many verses so i guess I’ll be miserable for God.

  • So Over This

    Warning: There is explicit language in this post.

    Dear God,

    Today I’m completely in my head. And I can’t get out. It feels like all the insecurities I’ve spent months dismantling all came back and I’m drowning in my thoughts.

    I think it all started when my cousins came. And I don’t know, when family comes I’m just aware of how “different” I am. I don’t know, it’s something that I’ve wrestled with I guess for all of my life. I have an idea of how relationships should be and then get sad when it doesn’t happen in real life. But I think with my cousins it goes deeper. Like (and I think this is going to sound horrid), I see how people who grow up with their cousins act and I’m like I want this. And I’m just like oh it’s because we didn’t grow up in the same country, we hardly see them face to face. And then I see how my sisters get along with them and how I don’t. And I have to sit with the uncomfortable fact. Personality wise, there’s something wrong with me. I desperately want to connect with people, and my personality isn’t that of connectivity. And it’s like…yea others cannot be compatible with others but family? and it’s not my genetics because both my sisters are good at this. Ugh it’s been 25 fucking years, and I can’t seem to get it right. I can’t connect well with people. Days like this, I wish I can do a deep dive into my brain and figure out why I am this way. I don’t want to be this way. I want to be personable. To make connections. And I think, when I’m face to face with them, it’s like a mirror of my flaws. And I hate it. So so so so much.

    I’m trying not to hate myself but goddamn. Why is it only me. I wish I was different. I know I need to honor myself, but I’m jealous hearing the laughs. And if it’s supposed to be like this, can I not care? Can I be content in my aloneness. I feel serious FOMO and I don’t even know why. I want to love myself. See myself the way you [God] sees me but this…this really sucks. And I can’t get out of it.

    And then the job search. You know, after the 1-year mark I’ve fallen into a pit of discouragement. It’s a weird tension. Knowing and believing that you are abba father while also not feeling I’m getting out of this pit of unemployment. This is the first month where I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to pay rent. And I’m also just over this. I don’t know what else to do. And if I’m honest, I’m taking this personal. I saw this TikTok of how you can be unemployed with an ivy-league degree. and wow. Yea. I don’t know what else I can do. Because that’s me. Unemployed. with this ivy-league degree. For over a year. And I feel shame. I don’t know what I can do.

    I don’t know what else I can do. I’ve prayed and prayed and nothing in this sector of my life is changing. Every time there seems to be a door opened and I get hope up, that’s not the right door. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Embarrassed to be me. Similar to the cousins, there is just something about me. I’ve interviewed for 3 jobs this week. And I went into the jobs not even believing I’ll get them.

    If I’m honest God, I know you haven’t abandoned me, but I do feel for reasons unknown, you just want me without work. Broken. not having anything. Ok so there’s no financial security. I have no trust but to lean on you. Cool. Will it ever end? Will I have to live my life always scavenging for money? Billionaires get money and money and I can’t even pay my 2K monthly rent.

    And I just got a notification. I didn’t make it to round 2 of an interview. Lol.

    I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m just steady discouraged. Discouraged that things can change. Discouraged that my personality can attract love. Discouraged that I’ll ever get a bloody job in this environment. And I’m not trying to fucking compare. I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’ve done the networking, the prayers, and nothing is working. there is always someone better, someone more anointed, someone smarter, someone wiser. I just feel like I’m constantly reminded of how much I suck. How much I’m less than. And yes these might be lies, but they surely feel like the truth. And it feels like this week it’s just been confirmed.

    My dad always said I’m destined for greatness. And it feels like maybe those were just words not a prophesy or declaration. If I don’t find a job soon, I’ll have to move back home. Especially because my roommate is leaving in the summer. I’ll have to exchange my freedom and enjoyment for so much different pain. And nothing I do seems to change this truth. My life is not in my hands. I don’t know why try. I can apply. But if it’s not the point why bother? Why do anything? I’ve been applying for over a year. I’ve been trying to be a less awkward and weird human for most of my life. Nothing has changed. I still feel lonely. I still feel like shit. I still feel excluded. Why fucking try. I still feel like deep love isn’t meant for someone like me.

    And I’m angry. right now, if I’m honest, I’m angry at God. Because why me? If not the job just give me the money. the 10-20k. Why does me being comfortable seems to be such a bad thing. Why can’t I have it all? Why can’t wealth, relationships, and joy be a part of my Christian experience? Why does my relationship with you have to be contingent on suffering? Why do I have to see others have what I desire?

    And I guess here’s part 3 or whatever. During this season I have become such a judgmental stick in the ass. I’m angry at other Christians for not practicing love to non-Christians and here I am. Consistently angry at Christians. Feeling like I don’t openly judge like them. But I do. Right now, I’m feeling punished for my walk. I’m not counting it joy. I’m seeing it as shackles. This doesn’t feel like freedom. And I think the issues is that I’m looking for something to justify. Like wow I’m so holy and you can see this because I have this job or this relationship and that’s not correct. Or true. And I guess I’m angry because there’s nothing proving that Jesus is the way in my life. My life if I’m honest sucks. And I don’t even feel free. I just feel stuck. I guess my relationship is that word. Stuck.

    There was a time during the fast when I felt so close to God. Talking and I wasn’t even happy all the time. Joy/anger/grief. Now I just feel stuck. Stuck in this circle of life. Nothing I can’t change. I can keep on applying, I’ll keep on getting rejected. I can keep on trying to form a relationship. They can choose not to pursue. I can even choose to kill myself. Nothing in my life will change except death. I can choose to pray and worship God and read my bible. Not my choice and decision what he does. He can be silent. He can give me a job that was triple my salary tomorrow. I can meet the love of my life tomorrow. But will he? Will you @God. The answer is probably not. Because while love is kind, it’s patient. And I don’t even fucking know why I’m writing this. As I’ve been writing this in a coffee shop I’ve already cried twice. It feels stupid. Words are just words. They don’t have to engage with the world. Three times tears.

    The prayer team frustrates me. I see the church going in a dangerous path. I’m praying and nothing changes. I feel powerless. And then I feel like I’m thinking of myself too much. And then I feel like I’m not doing enough. And then I’m trying to find my purpose in the world and identity in God. But I’m just thinking of what weird 25 year olds hates going to the club? And then I think about how I can’t go the club with my cousins and sister on Saturday because I have to be consecrated for church on Sunday. Because I’m serving. I don’t want to tbh but I’m obeying God. And it feels worthless. I feel useless. I hear from the prayer team about how situations change when they pray and that’s not what happens with me. I feel stupid. I feel useless. I just feel like a broken vessel. I think I’m obeying God but I don’t feel or see the fruits.

    It’s not even that I want to give up. I just don’t know what else I can do. Pray? I don’t know what God wants for me. And me not knowing seems to be part of the plan. Life just doesn’t feel good. Correction, it’s not life, I don’t feel good.

    I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why my life is this way. I am so tired. I am so tired. And it feels like I’m supposed to be tired in this journey for God knows how long. And its endurance. And I should be joyful because perseverance! endurance! But I’m comparing hard. And so unsatisfied with my life. And I’m trying to change what I can control. But it seems God wants me here. And I don’t know why.

    I don’t know why as a daughter of the most high, I have to suffer. This doesn’t feel like love. I don’t know how much more I have to endure. I don’t know why I have to potentially leave New York. I don’t know why I have to feel lonely. I don’t know why I compare. I just want it to stop. I want a full year of just joy. no pain, no suffering, no savings being depleted. no worrying about when my income is coming in. no thinking about financial stability.

    But alas. This is my life. And I don’t have a choice. I can’t even fucking give up. Lol. Woe is me. Fyi I cried a total of 6 times writing this. I’m so over this shit.

    Thanks for hearing the prayer of my heart, I guess.

  • Love ughhhhh

    So this love thing sucks. Because it’s hard. Because I don’t want to. Because it’s frustrating. My cousins are in town. And I love them because I have to, but also I’m closer to one than the other. And I don’t ever have 1:1 time to catch up. And the other one is, to say it blankly, annoying. She asks a lot of questions, is very touchy and infiltrative, and is just always talking about how different New York is from London. I think it’s a combination of I need space and too much invasion. I think I also take time to warm up. I have a relationship with one and not the other.

    I think I’m also trying to find the difference between gossip and ranting. I don’t know. Today and other days I’m reminded that I need to focus on the log in my own eye instead of the speck in others. And it’s so funny, I consistently be talking trash about how other Christians are so judgmental, but look at me. Doing the exact same damn thing. Just in a different format. Sin is still sin. And

    Lord help me to love. Holy Spirit take over. Because my flesh is weakkkkkkkkkk

  • Help Us to Love

    This has been a really profound week for me. I didn’t realize it but Holy Week left me on a high with a deeper appreciation for God. This week brought me back to my reality lol.

    First off, my friend is annoying me. I think my period is coming but I also think I need space (which I’ve been taking). It also made me think about how sometimes I see friendship as a 1way place for me to rant). But when they do rant I’m so uninterested. I don’t know, unless it’s something that benefits me I just don’t care or if I don’t bring the topic up. But that’s not real love. Sigh I need to be better. Less selfish. But also thank you Jesus for the revelation. I just need to ask God to help me to be a better friend.

    Now, prayer team…Sigh. I think it’s more that a lot of the women’s version of love doesn’t fit or doesn’t meet my biblical standards of love. It’s getting to the point where I dread going to movies. Because a) not sure how it connects truly to prayer and b) we trail off from the topic to whatever is on the hearts in terms of feeling. But I also know I’m in serious danger of judging and I think that’s also something I want to dig deeper. But I think, the thing I have to hold myself accountable on is am I still walking in love despite my feelings?

    And then the world. Living in America is so hard. Because our leaders don’t act in love and they use his name in vain for their wicked things. And I’ve been praying for the world, but if I’m honest I’ve lost hope. I don’t’ believe people can change or walk in love. Seeing people use God to justify their hatred. I don’t know ugh I get frustrated because we don’t want to do the hard work of letting the bible be transformed.

    Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
    – 2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV

    We are supposed to be new creations! And I know God is not saying oh if you have these biases or phobias then you’re too far gone. But what I know he’s saying is that you can’t stay the same. You have to let Christ transform you. And becasue Christ is love (1 John 4:8), we need to let love transform us.

    I feel like two dangerous things are happening with Christians. 1) we minimize the power of love and 2) we don’t let the Holy Spirit move. When we evangelize, it’s not supposed to be of fear (repent or you’re going to hell).

     27When the jailer woke and saw that the prison doors were open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself, supposing that the prisoners had escaped. 28But Paul cried with a loud voice, “Do not harm yourself, for we are all here.” 29And the jailer called for lights and rushed in, and trembling with fear he fell down before Paul and Silas. 30Then he brought them out and said, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” 31And they said, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.” 32And they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all who were in his house. 33And he took them the same hour of the night and washed their wounds; and he was baptized at once, he and all his family. 34Then he brought them up into his house and set food before them. And he rejoiced along with his entire household that he had believed in God.

    So context for this passage. Paul and Silas are in prison. And it’s midnight and they are choosing to rejoice and to sing. An earthquake then occurs opening their cells.

    There are two acts of love in this passage: Paul stopping the jailer from killing himself and then after, the jailer washing their wounds while also providing shelter and food. But Paul and Silas evangelized to him. They didn’t say you’re a horrible person and you need Jesus or else you’re going to hell. They showed him love and then spoke the truth (The good news). And how did he respond? He was transformed. And how do we know that? By his actions of love. He took them, washed their wounds, brought them is his house, set food, and rejoiced. All actions of love.

    I think another thing was the selflessness of Paul. He could have chosen not to say anything and escaped. But he chose what Jesus would do. To care about others. To love your neighbor as yourself. To pray for your enemy. It doesn’t make sense. It’s seen as weaker. But we don’t worship someone who was king on Earth. We worship someone who choose to make serving a pillar of his identity.

    This brings me to my second point: Holy Spirit. is really hard because I think we [the church] have become so focused on needless quabble that we don’t know

     15Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth. 16But avoid irreverent babble, for it will lead people into more and more ungodliness
    – 2 Timothy 2:15-16

    I think of topics this week like 2819 church, LGBTQ, Donald Trump. And I think we as a church (across US and the world) don’t know how to live in harmony with each other. But I also think that some of us have a pride issue where we think that a) it has to be our way and I need to be in control and b) It’s my way or no way. But is that love?

    14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. 17Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
    – Romans 12:14-16 ESV

    I’m not saying we need to excuse sin. But I’m saying it’s not our job to change people or transform. We can’t! We are supposed to act in love. To live in harmony with others. And always serving. The Holy Spirit convicts.

    And honestly, I don’t know our roles as Christians with calling people out on sins. I think this is where accountability in relationship comes from. But I also don’t know the role of the Church. I think when people talk about sin, a lot of times they are talking about people who don’t know Jesus/aren’t Christians. And they don’t have to follow the rules of Jesus because they haven’t chosen him. And the Holy Spirit can’t work in them. As Paul says

    12For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? 13God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”
    – 1 Corinthians 5:12

    And I feel like this is where Christians get stuck. They see people who don’t know Christ yet and instead of walking in love with them and letting love be the pull that brings them to Christ, they choose to fearmonger instead? Is that what Jesus did? What if we prayed and still treated them with love? They are not subjugated with the same rules as us. Their lives aren’t freedom, but they’re in bondage. And with prayer they will come to Christ and be free. But until then, they’re not subjugated to our laws.

    At times, I feel like (and I’ve probably said this in other posts) people treat Christianity as an exclusive club. They claim they want people in but only if they fit the criteria. And I think this is also why people are frustrated with Christians. God made us all different, of different race and cultures. And he did that intentionally. We all have our backgrounds and our own experiences with sin. Which means we also have our own convictions and our own depths of self-control with things.

    I think the dangerous thin is when we try and make our own personal convictions law. Or we say things that aren’t love and try to say they are because it’s a feeling. I’m reminded of when people were calling Beyonce demonic and that anyone who goes to her tour isn’t a Christian. And I can’t help but think is that love? is that kind? is that not rude? (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) The bible never says that love is mean and yet, some of the nastiest and meanest people are Christians in the name of God. We have to be better. If I was a non-Christian and I saw that, I wouldn’t want to be a Christian. Because that’s mean. I think it’s dangerous to even say who is and who isn’t a Christian based off of the songs they put out. Jesus says only I can determine salvation and it really (in my opinion) be as prevalent because our love isn’t something that’s exclusive to non-Christians only.

    1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

    4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
    – 1 Corinthians 13:1-7

    We (Christians) can prophesy, sing for hours, and fast and pray for weeks. But it doesn’t matter if we are not choosing to love everyday. And it’s not just our neighbors. It’s the people that annoy us. That frustrate us. And I’m not saying there’s no boundaries or what not. I’m just saying that being rude or cocky or uncompassionate is not love.

    “1. Jesus was kind, even when people didn’t understand Him. The people were perpetually confused about who Jesus was and why He was in their midst. Yet Mark 6:34 records that, when He “saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.” The arrogant challenged Him; He responded with kindness (Luke 10:25–26). The needy drained Him; He responded with kindness (Luke 8:43–48). Roman soldiers and religious zealots killed Him; He responded with kindness (Luke 23:34).

    Jesus was prepared to be misunderstood, so He could have patience and kindness with non-Christians as He explained how to have a relationship with God. We need to remember that as His followers we, too, will be misunderstood. Jesus warned us, “If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you” (John 15:18). Even when hated or misunderstood, we should always respond with kindness.”
    How should a Christian relate to non-Christian friends? | GotQuestions.org

    Now, for our Christian brothers/sisters. And I’m thinking out loud here. But there is a line between holding our brothers/sisters accountable and trying to play God in their lives. I feel like there is kindness in the truth.

    15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
    – Matthew 18:15-20     ESV

    What stands out to me is Jesus saying to do this if the sin is against you. But what if it’s just observational? I then think it’s prayer but not to get involved directly unless they tell you. Because that’s where judgment comes from but also may not be our role. I think praying is a powerful act of love. We don’t have to always be directly involved. Just as we pray for our leaders without ever meeting them, we can pray for our brothers/sisters. We are not Jesus and we don’t know their convictions. What we can do is for them to listen to the Holy Spirit. And this is something I also need help with because I want to be right. But I might be doing more harm than good. So I’m going to work on praying if I see a brother/sister in sin unless it is against me directly.

    This was really helpful. For me. To breakdown love. Before I end in a prayer, I wanted to put down verses to help with our actions to love.

    1 Corinthians 13:4-7; Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

    Colossians 3:8-10;12-15  8But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. 9Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator…12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 

    Romans 12:9-21: 9 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 13Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. 17Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

    Galatians 5:13-15;22-23 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. 14For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 15But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another…22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 

    Ephesians 4:25-32; 25Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and give no opportunity to the devil. 28Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

    Philippians 2:3-4; Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

    1 Thessalonians 5:11-15 Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. 12We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, 13and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. 14And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. 15See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. 

    Prayer

    Dear Heavenly father,

    I thank you for today. Today that I spent time with you and delved into love. This went way above all I thought I would get. I thank you Holy Spirit for speaking to me and for me writing. Love is not easy. And we can only do it through you Jesus. So, I pray for me and whoever is reading this that you will help us to love the way that you loved us. Help us have that selfless, agape, philia, eros, storge, and philautia love. Let us not just be hearers of the word, but doers as well. Father God, I pray that you show us what we have been calling love in our lives that isn’t actually love. That is pride, selfishness, greed masked up as love. I pray we will humble ourselves and repent. I pray we will be selfless like you were selfless. God, I pray for America that there will be a revival of love. That you will transform us and we will be love. we will be patient. We will be kind. we will not be rude. We won’t be irritable or resentful. That we won’t keep a record of wrongdoing. I pray we will help our neighbors, even when the neighbors don’t look like us. God, I pray against any spirit of hatred in all forms. I pray against any spirit of fear, but you have not given us the spirit of fear but of love, power, and self-control. Holy Spirit, I pray that in the pruning we won’t ignore loving because it’s hard. But in those times, we will truly lean on you. Loving the annoying person at church. The frustrating family member. And loving those who aren’t Christian too. I pray our love brings them to Christ, like Paul and Silas brought that God. Thank you for being love. I pray in our love for you we will also stop our sinful ways. Thank you that you loved that world that you gave your Son. And thank you Jesus for living a perfect life and dying a sinner’s death for me. Let our love not be passive. Let our love speak for the oppressed. Let our love when necessary, flip tables. Let it be authentic to the way that you’ve made us. Let it not be for money or for fame or power but let love be that your name will be glorified.
    Help me to love.
    In Jesus’ Name
    – Amen

  • Good Friday & Easter

    Hello hello hello!

    So…

    Lemme explain. I had every intention of doing a Good Friday post on the actual date. But then…my phone hit my laptop and cracked the screen and it was unusable. And it was weird I felt like I should be freaking out. And I kind of started to. But I felt this voice saying don’t worry, I got it. And I called my friend and she told me about this buy nothing chats on Facebook. I opened, said my need and an old woman gave me her laptop. And it’s so crazy. Because she was a woman of faith and on the laptop there’s so many stickers of faith on it. And that’s a good reminder.

    On Good Friday, I’m reminded of the brutal beating and lynching Jesus took for me. I don’t know if I never read it but it was so visually brutal. And you did it all for me, but for all the people in the world. those who know you and those who will never know you.

    Easter Sunday was great. Unfortunately, I got sick. But I was still able to go to church and serve. I was just full of Dayquil and prayers.

    I’m really happy and grateful that I took the week to really sit with Holy week and focus on it and not do job applications or whatnot. And I want to do that every week. Because it’s not just the resurrection that’s great. It’s the days leading up to it.

    Anyways, that’s all I have.

    Byeee.

  • Maundy Thursday

    Worthy is your name, Jesus
    You deserve the praise
    Worthy is your name.

    Jesus Washes the Disciples’ Feet

    1Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. 2During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him, 3Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, 4rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. 5Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him. 6He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, do you wash my feet?” 7Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” 8Peter said to him, “You shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no share with me.” 9Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!” 10Jesus said to him, “The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean, but not every one of you.” 11For he knew who was to betray him; that was why he said, “Not all of you are clean.”

    12When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? 13You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. 14If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. 15For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. 16Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. 18I am not speaking of all of you; I know whom I have chosen. But the Scripture will be fulfilled, ‘He who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me.’ 19I am telling you this now, before it takes place, that when it does take place you may believe that I am he. 20Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever receives the one I send receives me, and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me.”
    – John 13:1-20

    …

    The Passover with the Disciples

    7 Then came the day of Unleavened Bread, on which the Passover lamb had to be sacrificed. 8So Jesus sent Peter and John, saying, “Go and prepare the Passover for us, that we may eat it.” 9They said to him, “Where will you have us prepare it?” 10He said to them, “Behold, when you have entered the city, a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him into the house that he enters 11and tell the master of the house, ‘The Teacher says to you, Where is the guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?’ 12And he will show you a large upper room furnished; prepare it there.” 13And they went and found it just as he had told them, and they prepared the Passover.

    Institution of the Lord’s Supper

    14 And when the hour came, he reclined at table, and the apostles with him. 15And he said to them, “I have earnestly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. 16For I tell you I will not eat it until it is fulfilled in the kingdom of God.” 17And he took a cup, and when he had given thanks he said, “Take this, and divide it among yourselves. 18For I tell you that from now on I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.” 19And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” 20And likewise the cup after they had eaten, saying, “This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood. 21But behold, the hand of him who betrays me is with me on the table. 22For the Son of Man goes as it has been determined, but woe to that man by whom he is betrayed!” 23And they began to question one another, which of them it could be who was going to do this.

    Who Is the Greatest?

    24 A dispute also arose among them, as to which of them was to be regarded as the greatest. 25And he said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those in authority over them are called benefactors. 26But not so with you. Rather, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. 27For who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves.
    – Luke 22:7-27

    Today is Maundy Thursday. I don’t know what Maundy means (and Google isn’t really helping). But after reading the passage, I know what I took from this day was the focus Jesus made on serving others.

    Today, I sat with what it really means for Jesus, who is fully God and fully human, who is our savior, to wash feet. Namely, his disciples’ feet. On his last day, he is still teaching them. Teaching them about communion through Passover, a meal that they were all familiar with. Having mercy on Judas by not exposing him as the betrayer in that moment. Even correcting them when the disciples were arguing about who is greater. The central theme of his ministry was service and caring for others done through love.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about service. Well, I’ve been thinking about Judas, if I’m being honest. Because his view on Jesus wasn’t the truth his heart was hardened. He couldn’t see the beauty in the service when that woman poured alabaster oil on his [Jesus] feet. He didn’t see the beauty of service.

    I think about Jesus’ disciples. How he washed all of their feet, from Matthew the tax collector to the fisherman, to the zealot, to Judas the betrayer. The ones society considered the highest to the lowest. The extremist and the betrayer. And he washed all of their feet, with no inkling of favoritism. In other words, he served them all faithfully and with no animosity.

    Even when he knew he was going to be betrayed, he still served. Because he knew that God would get the glory. And he wasn’t serving to feel better about himself. He was serving because God is love and he knew who he was thru God. And because God is love, he was serving from love (1 John 4:8).

    8Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. ‘
    1 John 4:8

    Not only that, in this moment he was exhibiting verses that haven’t even been written yet.

    4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
    – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 
    – Galatians 5:22-23

    I can only imagine what Jesus was feeling in that moment. But he wasn’t rude. He was patient with Peter, kind to Judas. He was about to endure so much for us. And those are also fruit of the spirit. He was the living scriptures because he is the word (John 1:1)

    My heart has really been breaking with the global news. And the United States’ role in it. I’m shocked by how evil people are acting and how they continually use the Lord’s name in vain. And this week, something I’ve really been reflecting on is that God loves them all so much. And Christ died for them too. And his mercy endures forever. I mess up a lot of times, but it’s because of God’s grace and mercy that I continue. And that same grace and mercy is to these people. But I really hope and pray that the peacemakers come through. Even when I want to pray for death, I remember that vengeance is God’s. I’m challenged by the fact that if they (Trump, Hegseth, etc) all asked for forgiveness and repented, he would grant it to them. That’s what this week is about. God’s service especially for the ones who don’t deserve it and are repentant. Our sins put the nails in his hands. I don’t want to be like Judas and have a version of God that isn’t real. I also need to believe that the gospel transofrms hearts. It changees people. When we live out the gospel, it changes our hearts and other people. Wehn we read the words, it pricks our spirit.

    As Colossians 3 says
    12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 1

    Thanks Jesus. For showing me how to be of service. Help all of us to put on compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.

    I pray God that we Christians won’t be in a rush to compare who is greater, but who serves the most with a pure heart. Thank you for the cross, God. Thank you for the example you set. Teach us how to live that every day. God, transform our lives with the gospel. With the good news. Let us not be the same. I pray for compassion for those who claim they are Christians. I pray you remember us. And Father help us to repent and turn from our wicked ways. Sin is sin, no matter how small or “important” we think it is. Help all of us from America to Australia. Ireland to Antarctica. Seek your face. And as goodness and mercy is chasing us, let us also extend it to others. Thank you for washing the feet. Thank you for serving. Let us not serve without centering you, hence burnout. Let us serve through the type of self love you exhibited. And as tomorrow is Good Friday and you died a sinners’ death, remind us that it’s not the end.

    All these things I pray in Jesus’ name
    – Amen.

  • Servant Heart: Self-Love

    In January, I wrote a post about having a servant’s heart and the traits needed to cultivate that. I was previously convicted that my stubbornness was causing fractures and for unity, I need to have a servant’s heart.

    This post, I think, especially with Holy week, I’ve also been sitting, juggling having a servant’s heart and being selfless, while also loving yourself. This is sad for me to say but when I hear a servant’s heart, my first thought is: What about me? Especially when thinking of that verse: Love your neighbor as yourself. You can’t give from an empty glass.

    Maybe the better question is how do we love ourselves without becoming selfish? and while also maintaining a position of servitude? And not participating in self-hate?

    We had a book club for my church this Saturday. And someone that I value and look up to was constantly serving. She got there early, helped usher in and serve food. She gave up her seat when elders came and served food to someone who was injured. And no one forced her and she didn’t do it for the accolades or well done. She did it because she was trying to emulate Christ. And if you talk to her, she is very confident

    I guess for me, the issue is I’m all or nothing. And that may not be true. I’m realizing that when I am serving others, it’s to get something. Whether it’s a thank you, an accolade, or (and this sounds really bad) for people to see me as so selfless. And that’s not selfless. But that’s also not loving myself. Because I’m still trying to get affirmation and worth from them. I also think that’s why Jesus was selfless so efficiently. Because he knew who he was so well.

    Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, 4rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist.
    John 13:3

    “Do you understand what I have done to you? 13You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. 14If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. 15For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. 16Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.
    John 13:13-17

    Before Jesus washed the garments, John noted something really interesting. That Jesus knew that his Father had given him full control. I think another interpretation of this verse is that Jesus knew fully who he was in God and knew his authority in God. Because of this, he was able to be fully selfless because he wasn’t looking to get anything from the people he was serving.

    Marc Jones discusses the difference between self-love and self-hate noting that,

    “The person who eats and sleeps is showing a form of self-love in so far as he is preserving his life. One does not need to be a Christian to possess this type of self-love. Of course, with sin, people can and do show self-hate when they starve themselves or even destroy their bodies through gluttony…When a person goes to the doctor and takes medication for an illness, he is doing so out of self-love. When we laugh with friends, we are showing self-love. When we put on warm clothes on a cold day, we are showing self-love. And so, much self-love is the result of a natural principle in all of us that compels us to seek to preserve the quality of our life.”

    “Sinful self-love is actually a form of self-hatred. When we place ourselves on God’s throne, we are doing what is in our worst interest. This type of self-love hurts, destroys, kills, and leads to unhappiness and judgment. All sins are a result of this warped love.”

    The good self-love we ought to attain to is what Charnock calls “a gracious self-love.” Speaking of the three types of self-love, he says, “The first is from nature, the second from sin, the third from grace. The first is implanted by creation, the second the fruit of corruption, the third is by the powerful operation of grace” (Works, 1:224). To truly love ourselves, we must love ourselves as God would have us love ourselves. We love ourselves truly when we love ourselves on his terms.

    When we are in Christ and doing everything to the glory of God, we are truly loving ourselves. We are loving ourselves even more than the natural self-love that is in every creature, both man and animal, because we are thinking of eternity and not just this present evil age.

    For example, our Lord says to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:24–25). This is true self-love: to deny oneself — which is to relinquish sinful self-love — in order to gain one’s life.

    It’s a great article. Everyone should check it out (No One Loved Himself Like Jesus | Desiring God).

    But bringing it back, Jesus was always exhibiting gracious self-love by being selfless. Because he was doing things to the will of God. As Mark Jones writes,

    Our Lord is the preeminent example of gracious self-love. He truly practiced what he preached: “In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’” (Acts 20:35). Here Paul highlights the importance of gracious self-love when we help the weak: “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” If we want to be blessed, then we are not going to attain that through carnal self-love but through gracious self-love.

    So after writing his, I’m realizing I need to start practicing gracious self-love. So I can be a blessing to others. I pray that by being selfless and practicing self-love the way Jesus did, I will be gracious and a blessing towards others. The way Jesus was. I want to be able to wash those higher, the same level as me, and especially those who society considers below me. Not because I feel like I’ll look better, but to glorify the name of God.