This is Me: Finding My Voice

Dear God,

Today I’m completely in my head. And I can’t get out. It feels like all the insecurities I’ve spent months dismantling all came back and I’m drowning in my thoughts.

I think it all started when my cousins came. And I don’t know, when family comes I’m just aware of how “different” I am. I don’t know, it’s something that I’ve wrestled with I guess for all of my life. I have an idea of how relationships should be and then get sad when it doesn’t happen in real life. But I think with my cousins it goes deeper. Like (and I think this is going to sound horrid), I see how people who grow up with their cousins act and I’m like I want this. And I’m just like oh it’s because we didn’t grow up in the same country, we hardly see them face to face. And then I see how my sisters get along with them and how I don’t. And I have to sit with the uncomfortable fact. Personality wise, there’s something wrong with me. I desperately want to connect with people, and my personality isn’t that of connectivity. And it’s like…yea others cannot be compatible with others but family? and it’s not my genetics because both my sisters are good at this. Ugh it’s been 25 fucking years, and I can’t seem to get it right. I can’t connect well with people. Days like this, I wish I can do a deep dive into my brain and figure out why I am this way. I don’t want to be this way. I want to be personable. To make connections. And I think, when I’m face to face with them, it’s like a mirror of my flaws. And I hate it. So so so so much.

I’m trying not to hate myself but goddamn. Why is it only me. I wish I was different. I know I need to honor myself, but I’m jealous hearing the laughs. And if it’s supposed to be like this, can I not care? Can I be content in my aloneness. I feel serious FOMO and I don’t even know why. I want to love myself. See myself the way you [God] sees me but this…this really sucks. And I can’t get out of it.

And then the job search. You know, after the 1-year mark I’ve fallen into a pit of discouragement. It’s a weird tension. Knowing and believing that you are abba father while also not feeling I’m getting out of this pit of unemployment. This is the first month where I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to pay rent. And I’m also just over this. I don’t know what else to do. And if I’m honest, I’m taking this personal. I saw this TikTok of how you can be unemployed with an ivy-league degree. and wow. Yea. I don’t know what else I can do. Because that’s me. Unemployed. with this ivy-league degree. For over a year. And I feel shame. I don’t know what I can do.

I don’t know what else I can do. I’ve prayed and prayed and nothing in this sector of my life is changing. Every time there seems to be a door opened and I get hope up, that’s not the right door. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Embarrassed to be me. Similar to the cousins, there is just something about me. I’ve interviewed for 3 jobs. And I went into the jobs not even believing I’ll get them. If I’m honest God, I know you haven’t abandoned me, but I do feel for reasons unknown, you just want me here. Broken. not having anything. Ok so there’s no financial security. I have no trust but to lean on you. Cool. Will it ever end. Will I have to live my life always scavenging for money? Billionaires get money and money and I can’t even pay my under 2K in rent monthly. And I just got a notification. I didn’t make it to round 2 of an interview. Lol. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m just steady discouraged. Discouraged that things can change. Discouraged that my personality can attract love. Discouraged that I’ll ever get a bloody job in this environment. And I’m not trying to fucking compare. I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’ve done the networking, the prayers, and nothing is working. there is always someone better, someone more anointed, someone smarter, someone wiser. I just feel like I’m constantly reminded of how much I suck. How much I’m less than. And yes these might be lies but they surely feel like the truth. And it feels like this week it’s just been confirmed. My dad always said I’m destined for greatness. And it feels like maybe those were just words not a prophesy or declaration. If I don’t find a job soon, I’ll have to move back home. Especially because my roommate is leaving in the summer. I’ll have to exchange my freedom and enjoyment for so much different pain. And nothing I do seems to change this truth. My life is not in my hands. I don’t know why try. I can apply. But if it’s not the point why bother? Why do anything? I’ve been applying for over a year. I’ve been trying to be a less awkward and weird human for most of my life. Nothing has changed. I still feel lonely. I still feel like shit. I still feel excluded. Why fucking try. I still feel like deep love isn’t meant for someone like me.

And I’m angry. right now, if I’m honest, I’m angry at God. Because why me? If not the job just give me the money. the 10-20k. Why does me being comfortable seems to be such a bad thing. Why can’t I have it all? Why can’t wealth, relationships, and joy be a part of my Christian experience? Why does my relationship with you have to be contingent on suffering? Why do I have to see others have what I desire?

And I guess here’s part 3 or whatever. During this season I have become such a judgmental stick in the ass. I’m angry at other Christians for not practicing love to non-Christians and here I am. Consistently angry at Christians. Feeling like I don’t openly judge like them. But I do. Right now, I’m feeling punished for my walk. I’m not counting it joy. I’m seeing it as shackles. This doesn’t feel like freedom. And I think the issues is that I’m looking for something to justify. Like wow I’m so holy and you can see this because I have this job or this relationship and that’s not correct. Or true. And I guess I’m angry because there’s nothing proving that Jesus is the way in my life. My life if I’m honest sucks. And I don’t even feel free. I just feel stuck. I guess my relationship is that word. Stuck.

There was a time during the fast when I felt so close to God. Talking and I wasn’t even happy all the time. Joy/anger/grief. Now I just feel stuck. Stuck in this circle of life. Nothing I can’t change. I can keep on applying, I’ll keep on getting rejected. I can keep on trying to form a relationship. They can choose not to pursue. I can even choose to kill myself. Nothing in my life will change except death. I can choose to pray and worship God and read my bible. Not my choice and decision what he does. He can be silent. He can give me a job that was triple my salary tomorrow. I can meet the love of my life tomorrow. But will he? Will you @God. The answer is probably not. Because while love is kind, it’s patient. And I don’t even fucking know why I’m writing this. As I’ve been writing this in a coffee shop I’ve already cried twice. It feels stupid. Words are just words. They don’t have to engage with the world. Three times tears.

The prayer team frustrates me. I see the church going in a dangerous path. I’m praying and nothing changes. I feel powerless. And then I feel like I’m thinking of myself too much. And then I feel like I’m not doing enough. And then I’m trying to find my purpose in the world and identity in God. But I’m just thinking of what weird 25 year olds hates going to the club? And then I think about how I can’t go the club with my cousins and sister on Sunday because I have to be consecrated for church on Sunday. Because I’m serving. I don’t want to but I’m obeying God. And it feels worthless. I feel useless. I hear from the prayer team about how situations change when they pray and that’s not what happens with me. I feel stupid. I feel useless. I

It’s not even that I want to give up. I just don’t know what else I can do. Pray? I don’t know what God wants for me. And me not knowing seems to be part of the plan. Life just doesn’t feel good. Correction, it’s not life, I don’t feel good.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why my life is this way. I am so tired. I am so tired. And it feels like I’m supposed to be tired in this journey for God knows how long. And its endurance. And I should be joyful because perseverance! endurance! But I’m comparing hard. And so unsatisfied with my life. And I’m trying to change what I can control. But it seems God wants me here. And I don’t know why.

I don’t know why as a daughter of the most high, I have to suffer. This doesn’t feel like love. I don’t know how much more I have to endure4. I don’t know why I have to potentially leave New York. I don’t know why I have to feel lonely. I don’t know why I compare. I just want it to stop. I want a full year of just joy. no pain, no suffering, no savings being depleted. no worrying about when my income is coming in. no thinking about financial stability.

But alas. This is my life. And I don’t have a choice. I can’t even fucking give up. Lol. Woe is me. Fyi I cried a total of 6 times writing this. I’m so over this shit.