This is Me: Finding My Voice

My relationship with God right now is complex and real.

On one hand, He is my Savior and I do believe that he loves me. On the other hand, I feel invisible. I’m so tired. Of not being employed. Of seeing others receive answered prayers. But it’s more than that. I think in November, I was like ok will find part time. Now, it feels useless. I don’t want to be a teacher. All the interviews I get I bomb. I’m praying and asking and asking for a job to open up or for me to get money. Silence. He hasn’t told me to start a business. He hasn’t told me this is the job. It’s just been silence. So, here I am. 7 days from having to pay rent. Angry at this silence because I don’t know why.

Is the anger enough for me to say there’s no God? No. I just don’t know what to do. My moral system and conscience are intertwined with the bible so even if I was to step away, my moral foundation is the bible. The options as I see it are believed in God but be miserable, don’t believe and do things that I wouldn’t do and be miserable. I unfortunately can’t see a way in which I won’t be miserable.

the silence sucks. I feel ignored. Abandoned. I don’t know why this is my path. I just want security. why6 is that so much. Why isn’t that for me? Didn’t you say if he dresses the lilies with beauty and splendor how much more will he clotnhe you? I don’t know anyore this is my life i guess. everytime i want tos ay why there’s so many verses so i guess I’ll be miserable for God.