This is Me: Finding My Voice

Dear God,

I wish you would give me a 5 year roadmap. I am so grateful that you are intentional and timely and have a plan. I wish I did. My parents are trying but they act as if money is just flowing. Like I have time to think about things besides rent. And they act like I’m wasting my life which I gusss is confirmation of a fear that I have. I wish I wanted to go to law school or become a doctor or make policy. I genuinely am ok with going up the corporate ladder. How hard to explain that? That my desire is not to become a CEO but to have enough time. And I know it shouldn’t bother me but I think it is touching a sensitive point. I know i am at times stubborn and think that I know everything. I’m trying to break out of that but a hard thing is I don’t think people understand. I didn’t think I’d live past 22 and now I am and I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had dreams of being a CEO. Most of my life has been surviving or fighting to stay alive from my self.

And know I’m being asked to become this ambitious oeorson who has 20 side jobs while doing the main thing. And most of the time I’m just fighting to stay alive. How do you explain that to your father who doesn’t even know you’ve been suicidal? Who knows about you but doesn’t know uou? How do you explain. That to friends when you feel like all you do is rant? How do you pray for that to go away or to show up to A God who doesn’t want to show you your future.

I got a word that the wait is over. And I believed that that was true. They said “I’ve never seen so many doors opened” and I felt it. And I’ve had so many interviews. And now I’m wondering if I should’ve prayed to steward well. I made it to round 2 to a couple. And I haven’t heard back. And I’m wondering if I missed my shot. What if the door opened and I wasn’t prepared so I couldn’t go through?

And now, now I’m in a train. That was over 3 hours delayed. With food that I’m praying isn’t spoiled. Wondering what I’m doing with my life. I have an interview tomorrow with a CEO and I want to be confident because I really want the job but I don’t know.

My unemployment has run out. And everyone (ny parents) are like take this time to get ahead of the curve, to create a business, to generate money. And I wish they can see that I’m just trying to survive. That I wish I had that ambition but I’m just trying to stay afloat. My father and I only really talk about money. He has this view that as my father I would only talk to him about career advice. But my father believes in capitalism and making money is the goal in life. And getting to heaven. 

I don’t want to be known as someone who worked. I don’t want my identity to be work. But k want to be comfortable. I want to work for my purpose. I just don’t want that to be my life.

And I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I’m sad that I can’t think too far past tomorrow. But that’s where faith comes in guess. I wish that I was someone who wanted to get an MBA and do all that. But I really just want to enjoy life. And if I’m being honest, I don’t know the last time I’ve enjoyed life for longer than a week.

I was asked about my 5 year plan in an interview. I don’t think he was cool with it.  I just don’t know what to say. Work hard 

I think now I just feel like a failure. Like I’m failing everyone around me. But I’m trying. I just want to grow in God. And be the person he wants me to be. It’s not that ambition isn’t in me. It’s that I’ve spent the past year staying afloat. It has only been God and me. Maybe when it all fades and I have a job I can think of the future. But , in a strange way, I’m just focused on the present while simultaneously angry about my actions in the past and worrying that I’m not prepared for a future I haven’t entered.

Life is complicated. People are complicated. people think my intentions are not what they are. I think people’s are as well. Sigh. I don’t know. I feel like I’m spiraling because I’m tired. I’m tired of the pity. Of the what she’s doing wrong. Increase my faith, I guess. I don’t even think faith is the problem. This feels like a humiliation ritual.

There’s my lament I guess.