This is Me: Finding My Voice

These have been hard 2 days. Since the unemployment chapter has started, these low moments are not uncommon. And if I’m being honest, these low moments were there well before I got laid off.

I think about my life and I thought life would be easier. That I would feel more stable, confident. These low moments remind me of how hard it is. Imagine: My biggest enemy being someone that I can’t escape. I’m stuck with me. 24/7.

Right now I’m navigating jealousy. And the issue is that my jealousy is rooted in lack of trust with God. Lack of trust in this…path I didn’t ask to be on. But I can take blame for some of that. It’s my DNA. My characteristics. My thought process. Things you gave,e. I just want to fit in. To be normal. To belong.

And because I feel like an outcast, I’m jealous of others’ lives who have what I want. The friends, the personality. The confidence. All of it. I just…really wish that I wasn’t me. I want to be extraverted. I want to…not be me.

And the lack of trust is because I don’t trust me as a good thing. Like why would people want to hang with me? I don’t want to hang with me.

The traits that you’ve given me makes me feel like you hate me. I want to change myself so much and have to trust you that the way I’m made is for your glory. I don’t trust that love will find me the way I desire. And I have to grieve that I guess.

I don’t know. Life is hard. So hard.

I need a therapist.