This is Me: Finding My Voice

This week I have felt at peace. And it’s scaring me. I wonder if I’m becoming too comfortable in it.

I got laid off in April. I have been unsuccessfully looking for a new job since. I’ve felt a roller coaster of emotions. Betrayal, embarrassment, anger, sadness, hopelessness. But now I feel at peace. But also, comfortable. And that scares me.

Let me explain. So, even before I got laid off, I was looking for new employment. My job was toxic, but I also wasn’t good at it. I doubted myself, wasn’t looking to grow and I was miserable. They started “soft firing” me by not giving me any work and I felt like a waste of space being somewhere for 8 hours and not contributing anything.

When I got laid off, my first thought was where was the money going to come from. After a couple of days I just felt a deep sadness. And embarrassment. Why me? Why was I not good enough? And through this came bitterness. Bitterness of everyone who got a job before I did. Bitterness of me thinking I chose the wrong major, wrong school, wrong everything. I was angry at the world, at God, and at myself.

But this week. I’m at peace. Which is crazy because this is the first month in which my savings is drained. I have no idea how I’m paying December rent, but I know it will get paid. If this is what I needed to fully trust God, then let it be. The issue is now I’m getting comfortable. I need an income to live but I’m ok with the no’s now.

I’m also scared. Scared to fail. Scared that I won’t be good at it. Or good enough. I had an interview this week and during it I could feel my brain saying abort mission. And I don’t want to live in fear. Because I’m not a slave to fear. Because I’m a child of God.

So, I’m preparing and studying and trying to focus on the present and not the future. And trusting God that the right job will come and it won’t take me away from him. But I’m at peace. And I’m happy about that :).