What am I doing it for?
A question that I’ve been sitting with today. God gave me a warning last night through someone else’s dream about how I was causing fractures instead of unity in the church. And this morning I think he revealed it’s because I’m not going after it with a servant heart posture.
And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
– Mark 10:42-45 ESV
Jesus gathered them all together and said to them, “Those recognized as rulers of the people and those who are in top leadership positions rule oppressively over their subjects, but this is not the example you are to follow. You are to lead by a different model. If you want to be the greatest, then live as one called to serve others. The path to promotion comes by having the heart of a bond-slave who serves everyone. For even the Son of Man did not come expecting to be served by everyone, but to serve everyone, and to give his life as the ransom price for the salvation of many.”
– Mark 10:42-45 TPT
Correction
This past 2 weeks have been great for growing with God. But part of growing is also pruning and correction. I have a tendency to take correction as judgment. Similar to Cain, I have a tendency to take correction as rebuke/hatred. I don’t see correction as love. And I’m praying that God changes my heart so that I don’t get offended when people correct me. And maybe it’s my growing up and constantly getting criticized and thinking that I can’t do anything right and getting hypercriticized, so I now think that any correction/discipline is them picking on me.
But what does it mean, when the one who created me, who knows me from the inside out and still loves and desires me, corrects me out of love? And I don’t take it as love but as criticism?
And how does this connect to being a good servant? Well, one I have to be open to feedback and correction. About me. And I think I’ve spent so much time protecting myself because I feel like I’m the only one who has always protected me or looked out for me. But I think there’s also fear. fear that I’m not loved with correction. In the book “The Faithful Ones: Lessons for the Prodigal’s Older Brother”, author Shade Sabitu writes that Cain was,
“Confronted with God’s determination of what was holy and acceptable and what was not, and his mind was immediately tormented with doubts about who he was and where he stood with God. To him, there was no way God could have enough love for both him and his brother. He could not stand the assumption that God saw something worthy in Abel that He didn’t see in him”
Similar to Cain, I tend to believe that when God corrects me, he is saying he doesn’t love me. But, I think, if I’m being honest, I take correction as people saying that I’m not worthy. But those are lies of the enemy.
“Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.”
– Proverbs 19:20 ESV
A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.
– Proverbs 17:10 ESV
Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you.
– Proverbs 9:8 ESV
The question is why bring this up when discussing servant’s heart? Because a core aspect of being a servant is humility.
In the different version of Mark 10:42-45, the word servant, bondslave, and slave are seen as interchangeable. Although there are differences in terms of pay expectations and choice of freedom, the consensus that both versions agree on is that the person is bound to a master.
So, if the master says you aren’t doing something well, shouldn’t I trust that the master knows best and fix what I was doing to reflect the desire of the master? Similarly, if I am to have a servant’s heart, should I not have the same attitude when people who I trust (whether it’s a teacher, friends, or family) correct me? And not just accept the correction but love them and have a glad heart when they do it.
Proverbs 12:1 ESV states that Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.” And right now, I don’t love it because I take it too personally. I want to learn from Cain and not let doubt or hypersensitivity turn into envy/a hardened heart.
Humility
I have valued knowledge and knowing things my entire life. But I think that even though I try not to, I do think that I am better than people because of what I know. Just being honest. It’s not good. It’s quite wrong because it’s also not true. And I am very grateful to God that God showed me my pride and I have asked to have a servant’s heart.
The danger is the church. I grew up in the church and although I feel like I try not to emulate the church hurt that was put on me (it wasn’t gentle correction and it wasn’t biblical but it was using God to justify it), I am doing that. And that’s really hard. I said this in a previous post, but I am acting like a Pharisee especially in thinking that my way is the only way.
I was reading Psalm 25 and verse 4 says Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. And I thought that was just about my life and my choices. And it is. But it’s about everything in life. And I think the humbling (and hard) part for me is also realizing that my way isn’t the only way. God has numerous ways and paths to do things or to achieve his goals. Truthfully, I think the only thing that has one path is how to receive salvation (through Jesus) which he states in John 14:6.
But then who am I? To try and force God into one way or style. And he gives clear commandments. And more importantly, God created us to be wonderfully and fearfully made as the versions of us he created us to be. Which means others will interpret things differently than I will or do things differently than me. And that doesn’t mean that its wrong or ungodly, it’s just a different path.
And I think part 0of that humility is not thinking I’m the only one who God can use and call. I wrote about the walking around the church like Jericho. And if I’m being honest, I think that I’ve kind of had an inflated ego. I’m realizing that my problem isn’t necessarily obedience (even though I tend to struggle at times with that), it’s not having an inflated ego that God used me. And I think that comes from childhood years of feeling unseen and abandoned and feeling unspecial. And I don’t know how to navigate this. The honor of being called and chosen and the enjoyment that our relationship is more intimate while also still being humble to know the King of kings chose me with an assignment. Sigh this is hard. Because I don’t want to neglect and ignore the growth, but I also don’t want to be inflated about the growth and my role.
I saw someone say this (It was actually Percy Jackson: The Last Olympian) and I think it rings true: You are not the hero. And I think part of my desire to be seen also is a desire to be the main character. To be the hero. But I’m not. Jesus is. He’s the one who saved all of humanity, the one who saved me. And I am honored and also confused on why he chose me. And right now, it’s not the yes that’s the issue, I guess it’s the heart posture.
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,[b] 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,[c] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
– Philippians 2:1-8
So, to be a servant is considering others more significantly. And maybe this is selfish, but how do I consider others more while also simultaneously loving myself and seeing myself the way Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit see me? Because it feels like I go on extremes. I’m either extremely self-deprecating or I think I’m so above everything. Sigh, I just want to honor God but sometimes it feels like I’m consistently messing up. But maybe that’s the problem. I’m centering myself and my “progress” instead of centering God and what he wants.
Conclusion
Ok. To be a servant is a lot. And I only touched on two themes: Humility and Correction. But there’s more. And what is true is that I have a lot to work on, but also that there’s joy in this. Joy in the progress. And the beautiful thing is that I’m not doing it by myself. And I think what God wants is my honest and authentic self. I see things that I have to be mindful of for unity. In Ephesians 4, Paul writes
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift.
We are a body of Christ and when there is discomfort or Jesus is the center. And for the body of Christ to work, we all must have a servant’s posture. And that also means looking inward to what God is trying to tell all of us about things he’s correcting for his glory.
So, to answer the question that I wrote up in the beginning of this article, what am I doing it for? It has to be for God. But also, to fulfill the Great Commission and to keep unity. But also, realistically. If Jesus the King of Kings, prince of peace, mighty God, Everlasting Father, and so many more names (S/o Isaiah 9:6) humbled himself daily and was seen as the servant’s servant, how much more I? And you? And if Jesus, the son of God, washed the feet of his disciples, including the one who would betray him and the who would deny him, how much more me to those who annoy me or hurt me?
God help us. And he will. If we ask.
Would love to hear others thoughts on this topic! Iron sharpens iron and I love different perspectives 🙂
This is Me: Finding My Voice 
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