This is Me: Finding My Voice

A blog to openly put all my feelings while I'm discovering and loving myself.

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  • Maundy Thursday

    Worthy is your name, Jesus
    You deserve the praise
    Worthy is your name.

    Jesus Washes the Disciples’ Feet

    1Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. 2During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him, 3Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, 4rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. 5Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him. 6He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, do you wash my feet?” 7Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” 8Peter said to him, “You shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no share with me.” 9Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!” 10Jesus said to him, “The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean, but not every one of you.” 11For he knew who was to betray him; that was why he said, “Not all of you are clean.”

    12When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? 13You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. 14If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. 15For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. 16Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. 18I am not speaking of all of you; I know whom I have chosen. But the Scripture will be fulfilled, ‘He who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me.’ 19I am telling you this now, before it takes place, that when it does take place you may believe that I am he. 20Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever receives the one I send receives me, and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me.”
    – John 13:1-20

    …

    The Passover with the Disciples

    7 Then came the day of Unleavened Bread, on which the Passover lamb had to be sacrificed. 8So Jesus sent Peter and John, saying, “Go and prepare the Passover for us, that we may eat it.” 9They said to him, “Where will you have us prepare it?” 10He said to them, “Behold, when you have entered the city, a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him into the house that he enters 11and tell the master of the house, ‘The Teacher says to you, Where is the guest room, where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?’ 12And he will show you a large upper room furnished; prepare it there.” 13And they went and found it just as he had told them, and they prepared the Passover.

    Institution of the Lord’s Supper

    14 And when the hour came, he reclined at table, and the apostles with him. 15And he said to them, “I have earnestly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. 16For I tell you I will not eat it until it is fulfilled in the kingdom of God.” 17And he took a cup, and when he had given thanks he said, “Take this, and divide it among yourselves. 18For I tell you that from now on I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.” 19And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” 20And likewise the cup after they had eaten, saying, “This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood. 21But behold, the hand of him who betrays me is with me on the table. 22For the Son of Man goes as it has been determined, but woe to that man by whom he is betrayed!” 23And they began to question one another, which of them it could be who was going to do this.

    Who Is the Greatest?

    24 A dispute also arose among them, as to which of them was to be regarded as the greatest. 25And he said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those in authority over them are called benefactors. 26But not so with you. Rather, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. 27For who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves.
    – Luke 22:7-27

    Today is Maundy Thursday. I don’t know what Maundy means (and Google isn’t really helping). But after reading the passage, I know what I took from this day was the focus Jesus made on serving others.

    Today, I sat with what it really means for Jesus, who is fully God and fully human, who is our savior, to wash feet. Namely, his disciples’ feet. On his last day, he is still teaching them. Teaching them about communion through Passover, a meal that they were all familiar with. Having mercy on Judas by not exposing him as the betrayer in that moment. Even correcting them when the disciples were arguing about who is greater. The central theme of his ministry was service and caring for others done through love.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about service. Well, I’ve been thinking about Judas, if I’m being honest. Because his view on Jesus wasn’t the truth his heart was hardened. He couldn’t see the beauty in the service when that woman poured alabaster oil on his [Jesus] feet. He didn’t see the beauty of service.

    I think about Jesus’ disciples. How he washed all of their feet, from Matthew the tax collector to the fisherman, to the zealot, to Judas the betrayer. The ones society considered the highest to the lowest. The extremist and the betrayer. And he washed all of their feet, with no inkling of favoritism. In other words, he served them all faithfully and with no animosity.

    Even when he knew he was going to be betrayed, he still served. Because he knew that God would get the glory. And he wasn’t serving to feel better about himself. He was serving because God is love and he knew who he was thru God. And because God is love, he was serving from love (1 John 4:8).

    8Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. ‘
    1 John 4:8

    Not only that, in this moment he was exhibiting verses that haven’t even been written yet.

    4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
    – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 
    – Galatians 5:22-23

    I can only imagine what Jesus was feeling in that moment. But he wasn’t rude. He was patient with Peter, kind to Judas. He was about to endure so much for us. And those are also fruit of the spirit. He was the living scriptures because he is the word (John 1:1)

    My heart has really been breaking with the global news. And the United States’ role in it. I’m shocked by how evil people are acting and how they continually use the Lord’s name in vain. And this week, something I’ve really been reflecting on is that God loves them all so much. And Christ died for them too. And his mercy endures forever. I mess up a lot of times, but it’s because of God’s grace and mercy that I continue. And that same grace and mercy is to these people. But I really hope and pray that the peacemakers come through. Even when I want to pray for death, I remember that vengeance is God’s. I’m challenged by the fact that if they (Trump, Hegseth, etc) all asked for forgiveness and repented, he would grant it to them. That’s what this week is about. God’s service especially for the ones who don’t deserve it and are repentant. Our sins put the nails in his hands. I don’t want to be like Judas and have a version of God that isn’t real. I also need to believe that the gospel transofrms hearts. It changees people. When we live out the gospel, it changes our hearts and other people. Wehn we read the words, it pricks our spirit.

    As Colossians 3 says
    12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 1

    Thanks Jesus. For showing me how to be of service. Help all of us to put on compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.

    I pray God that we Christians won’t be in a rush to compare who is greater, but who serves the most with a pure heart. Thank you for the cross, God. Thank you for the example you set. Teach us how to live that every day. God, transform our lives with the gospel. With the good news. Let us not be the same. I pray for compassion for those who claim they are Christians. I pray you remember us. And Father help us to repent and turn from our wicked ways. Sin is sin, no matter how small or “important” we think it is. Help all of us from America to Australia. Ireland to Antarctica. Seek your face. And as goodness and mercy is chasing us, let us also extend it to others. Thank you for washing the feet. Thank you for serving. Let us not serve without centering you, hence burnout. Let us serve through the type of self love you exhibited. And as tomorrow is Good Friday and you died a sinners’ death, remind us that it’s not the end.

    All these things I pray in Jesus’ name
    – Amen.

  • Servant Heart: Self-Love

    In January, I wrote a post about having a servant’s heart and the traits needed to cultivate that. I was previously convicted that my stubbornness was causing fractures and for unity, I need to have a servant’s heart.

    This post, I think, especially with Holy week, I’ve also been sitting, juggling having a servant’s heart and being selfless, while also loving yourself. This is sad for me to say but when I hear a servant’s heart, my first thought is: What about me? Especially when thinking of that verse: Love your neighbor as yourself. You can’t give from an empty glass.

    Maybe the better question is how do we love ourselves without becoming selfish? and while also maintaining a position of servitude? And not participating in self-hate?

    We had a book club for my church this Saturday. And someone that I value and look up to was constantly serving. She got there early, helped usher in and serve food. She gave up her seat when elders came and served food to someone who was injured. And no one forced her and she didn’t do it for the accolades or well done. She did it because she was trying to emulate Christ. And if you talk to her, she is very confident

    I guess for me, the issue is I’m all or nothing. And that may not be true. I’m realizing that when I am serving others, it’s to get something. Whether it’s a thank you, an accolade, or (and this sounds really bad) for people to see me as so selfless. And that’s not selfless. But that’s also not loving myself. Because I’m still trying to get affirmation and worth from them. I also think that’s why Jesus was selfless so efficiently. Because he knew who he was so well.

    Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, 4rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist.
    John 13:3

    “Do you understand what I have done to you? 13You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. 14If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. 15For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. 16Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.
    John 13:13-17

    Before Jesus washed the garments, John noted something really interesting. That Jesus knew that his Father had given him full control. I think another interpretation of this verse is that Jesus knew fully who he was in God and knew his authority in God. Because of this, he was able to be fully selfless because he wasn’t looking to get anything from the people he was serving.

    Marc Jones discusses the difference between self-love and self-hate noting that,

    “The person who eats and sleeps is showing a form of self-love in so far as he is preserving his life. One does not need to be a Christian to possess this type of self-love. Of course, with sin, people can and do show self-hate when they starve themselves or even destroy their bodies through gluttony…When a person goes to the doctor and takes medication for an illness, he is doing so out of self-love. When we laugh with friends, we are showing self-love. When we put on warm clothes on a cold day, we are showing self-love. And so, much self-love is the result of a natural principle in all of us that compels us to seek to preserve the quality of our life.”

    “Sinful self-love is actually a form of self-hatred. When we place ourselves on God’s throne, we are doing what is in our worst interest. This type of self-love hurts, destroys, kills, and leads to unhappiness and judgment. All sins are a result of this warped love.”

    The good self-love we ought to attain to is what Charnock calls “a gracious self-love.” Speaking of the three types of self-love, he says, “The first is from nature, the second from sin, the third from grace. The first is implanted by creation, the second the fruit of corruption, the third is by the powerful operation of grace” (Works, 1:224). To truly love ourselves, we must love ourselves as God would have us love ourselves. We love ourselves truly when we love ourselves on his terms.

    When we are in Christ and doing everything to the glory of God, we are truly loving ourselves. We are loving ourselves even more than the natural self-love that is in every creature, both man and animal, because we are thinking of eternity and not just this present evil age.

    For example, our Lord says to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:24–25). This is true self-love: to deny oneself — which is to relinquish sinful self-love — in order to gain one’s life.

    It’s a great article. Everyone should check it out (No One Loved Himself Like Jesus | Desiring God).

    But bringing it back, Jesus was always exhibiting gracious self-love by being selfless. Because he was doing things to the will of God. As Mark Jones writes,

    Our Lord is the preeminent example of gracious self-love. He truly practiced what he preached: “In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’” (Acts 20:35). Here Paul highlights the importance of gracious self-love when we help the weak: “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” If we want to be blessed, then we are not going to attain that through carnal self-love but through gracious self-love.

    So after writing his, I’m realizing I need to start practicing gracious self-love. So I can be a blessing to others. I pray that by being selfless and practicing self-love the way Jesus did, I will be gracious and a blessing towards others. The way Jesus was. I want to be able to wash those higher, the same level as me, and especially those who society considers below me. Not because I feel like I’ll look better, but to glorify the name of God.

  • Holy Wednesday

    Judas to Betray Jesus

    14 Then one of the twelve, whose name was Judas Iscariot, went to the chief priests 15and said, “What will you give me if I deliver him over to you?” And they paid him thirty pieces of silver. 16And from that moment he sought an opportunity to betray him.

    So today was an interesting day. When I sat with these verses, the first thing that came to mind was how much is 30 pieces of silver. There are differing amounts, but the range is $90-$450. Not a lot.

    And then I read a post talking about how, on Wednesday, it looks like nothing was happening from Jesus’ perspective, but Judas betrayed him. And it was used to bring motivation, that when you don’t know what’s going on, things are working behind the scenes. And that’s great. I believe that. But a word that’s been in my heart is suddenly. How sudden this all happened. On Palm Sunday, he was being praised and welcomed with the people singing Hosanna, and by Wednesday, the betrayal was set. So much can change with just a word.

    Today especially, with the state of the world, God has really been convicting me of seeing Judas in me. How many times do I betray Jesus with my sin. Do I sell him out for little? And I try to justify it by looking at someone else’s sin and proclaiming that theirs is worse but that doesn’t matter. Because my sin put him on that cross. My sin made him endure 39 lashes and die a sinner’s death.

    A really strong one that He’s convicting me of is derived from purity culture. It’s really sad, but every time I see a couple, my first thought is: did they wait until marriage? And that’s not good. That’s not Christian. I saw a couple of marriages where the husband died a couple of months later. But I saw that they had kids before marriage and immediately thought that they had sinned. But that’s not what Jesus did. And that’s the sin of judgment. And I think it’s wrapped up in my own shame and thoughts around sex and relationships that I’m still unpacking and unlearning.

    But in these moments, I also have to remember that Jesus died for Judas too. I saw a TikTok that said (paraphrasing from @alislyfeee)

    “Judas was full of waiting, of expectation. Of prayers that felt ignored. He didn’t become “evil” overnight. He became tired. tired of believing that God would move one way and seeing him move another. Silence didn’t make him numb. It made him hard…and that’s the tragedy. not that he sinned, but that he believed his sin was louder than mercy…He had a heart that lost hope and didn’t know how to find its way back to grace”

    And I act like a Judas daily by betraying Jesus. Especially in this season. Today is officially 365 days (formerly known as a year) of being laid off. And I don’t want my disappointment and waiting to make my heart harder and turn me away from God. And believing that God doesn’t care in the waiting. Knowingly and unknowingly.

    I’ve also been seeing how Judas had different expectations of Jesus than what he actually was. And when Jesus didn’t show up like that, he got angry and disappointed. And I don’t want that to happen with me. That my own expectations (similar to Judas’s, actually, of him casting away all people in authority and starting new) don’t dilute Jesus. That Jesus loved the tax collector and the prostitute. And he saw everyone in between.

    Thank you Jesus. That you’re not like man. That you’re the standard of righteousness. Of good. Help me, Lord to not betray you with my words, thoughts, and mind. Even in this waiting, when my heart feels heavy and I don’t understand. Remind me that you are still worthy of it all. Let me not see Judas as a villain, but as a human who let his own desires and anger betray you, something that I do. Let me never forget that you love me more than I ever could. You died for me. You resurrected for me. Thank you for Holy Wednesday. For sitting with how my sin made you die a sinner’s death. Thank you for loving me enough to do it.
    – In Jesus’ Name

  • Holy Tuesday

    The Authority of Jesus Challenged

    23 And when he entered the temple, the chief priests and the elders of the people came up to him as he was teaching, and said, “By what authority are you doing these things, and who gave you this authority?” 24Jesus answered them, “I also will ask you one question, and if you tell me the answer, then I also will tell you by what authority I do these things. 25The baptism of John, from where did it come? From heaven or from man?” And they discussed it among themselves, saying, “If we say, ‘From heaven,’ he will say to us, ‘Why then did you not believe him?’ 26But if we say, ‘From man,’ we are afraid of the crowd, for they all hold that John was a prophet.” 27So they answered Jesus, “We do not know.” And he said to them, “Neither will I tell you by what authority I do these things.

    The Parable of the Two Sons

    28 “What do you think? A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ 29And he answered, ‘I will not,’ but afterward he changed his mind and went. 30And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but did not go. 31Which of the two did the will of his father?” They said, “The first.” Jesus said to them, “Truly, I say to you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes go into the kingdom of God before you. 32For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes believed him. And even when you saw it, you did not afterward change your minds and believe him.

    The Parable of the Tenants

    33 “Hear another parable. There was a master of a house who planted a vineyard and put a fence around it and dug a winepress in it and built a tower and leased it to tenants, and went into another country. 34When the season for fruit drew near, he sent his servants to the tenants to get his fruit. 35And the tenants took his servants and beat one, killed another, and stoned another. 36Again he sent other servants, more than the first. And they did the same to them. 37Finally he sent his son to them, saying, ‘They will respect my son.’ 38But when the tenants saw the son, they said to themselves, ‘This is the heir. Come, let us kill him and have his inheritance.’ 39And they took him and threw him out of the vineyard and killed him. 40When therefore the owner of the vineyard comes, what will he do to those tenants?” 41They said to him, “He will put those wretches to a miserable death and let out the vineyard to other tenants who will give him the fruits in their seasons.”

    42Jesus said to them, “Have you never read in the Scriptures:

    “‘The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone;

    this was the Lord’s doing, and it is marvelous in our eyes’?

    43 Therefore I tell you, the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people producing its fruits. 44And the one who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; and when it falls on anyone, it will crush him.”

    45When the chief priests and the Pharisees heard his parables, they perceived that he was speaking about them. 46And although they were seeking to arrest him, they feared the crowds, because they held him to be a prophet.

    Today was a good day. I didn’t read it until later but I think just reflecting on the power of the cross and the blood. Like the song says, Nothing but the blood of Jesus could wash away my sins. And I’m eternally grateful for that, but I don’t act like I am. And I want to sit with the goodness of that. That he was perfect and then chose to die a sinner’s death so I can have eternal life.

    The pamphlet I’ve been following says that Holy Tuesday shows use that Jeuss exposes leaders who protect their power rather than pursue truth. And the first time I read that, I was like: that’s not me. But at times it has been. And just thinking of Jesus. He was about tto die and he still chose truth over comfort. But he did it in a loving way that he didn’t call them out by name. The Pharisees weren’t even fully sure, they had to perceive it. but he did it in a way that you would only be offended (not convicted) if you were the one in the wrong.

    I also love how in these parables, we see that Jesus is a God of the oppressed and oppressor. But the oppressed or shamed or outcasted seek his righteousness more because there wasn’t this stigma of protecting power or keeping up a false image. They were aware of how bad they were because society constantly told them. And yet, when Jesus is sharing these parables, it’s not to judge the Pharisees. It’s to give them a chance at repentance and to try righteousness.

    They took it offensively because they didn’t want to change. They didn’t want to deal with the fact that their behavior wasn’t godly, and they valued their position more than the truth.

    I thank you Jesus that even when you call out sin, it’s never to judge or bring shame, but it’s for us to seek repentance. Even when you knew death was near, you still were brave and courageous. Because you loved the Pharisees. And you desired better for them in your teachings. Help us to follow your ways.

  • Holy Monday

    Jesus Cleanses the Temple

    12 And Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who sold and bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold pigeons. 13He said to them, “It is written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer,’ but you make it a den of robbers.”

    14 And the blind and the lame came to him in the temple, and he healed them. 15But when the chief priests and the scribes saw the wonderful things that he did, and the children crying out in the temple, “Hosanna to the Son of David!” they were indignant, 16and they said to him, “Do you hear what these are saying?” And Jesus said to them, “Yes; have you never read, “‘Out of the mouth of infants and nursing babies you have prepared praise’?” 17And leaving them, he went out of the city to Bethany and lodged there.

    Jesus Curses the Fig Tree

    18 In the morning, as he was returning to the city, he became hungry. 19And seeing a fig tree by the wayside, he went to it and found nothing on it but only leaves. And he said to it, “May no fruit ever come from you again!” And the fig tree withered at once.

    20When the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither at once?” 21And Jesus answered them, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. 22And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

    So today is Holy Monday. And when I read this, I was in a cafe working on this screenplay. It’s been hard doing things not for monetary gain. Even when I have been writing, the back of my mind is thinking of what if someone buys it? What if it’s Oscar-nominated? What if I become famous? And that isn’t the point. The point is to process a fear that I have and remember that God is with me. And not to be afraid of starting and being bad. Because I’ve never taken a class. It’s another way to put God above all the riches and treasures.

    Anyways, so reading this verse. When people talk about Jesus flipping tables, it’s to highlight how justified anger is ok. But there was a specific part of the verse that really stood out to me today, “…it is written, my house shall be called a house of prayer”. And yea. When we break apart what prayer is, it’s ultimately talking with God and having a relationship with God and building and developing it. I think Jesus is saying that the house will be a place where people strive to have a relationship with God. And, more importantly, he died on the cross so we can have a personal relationship. Even today I was thinking that by dying, Jesus made a way for us to have eternal life through the resurrection.

    The other verse made me think of fear and faith. The disciples were amazed at how he was able to make a tree stop giving nutrients, and he was like you have to have faith and not doubt. It convicted me a little, to be honest. I’m on the prayer team and sometimes when people come up to me with a prayer request, I doubt God can really do it, especially if it’s been a long time. So I’m going to stop doubting my power and authority with God. I have authority for mountains to be moved. I need to have faith and not doubt. Help my faith to be stronger than my doubt.

    But I’m thinking of this in relation to Jesus dying. He’s trying to impart all these lessons before death. It reminds me of how parents try and prepare you for life before you become an adult. Jesus was dropping gems about faith and reverence and holiness. And he’s still teaching us because he’s alive. But I can imagine the disciples not realizing the importance of the moment.

    Slow me down, Jesus, to see the lessons in the moment. To be present.

  • Palm Sunday

    Hello!

    So, during Holy Week, I’m going to try and blog about something that happened/reflected that day up until Resurrection Sunday (Easter).

    Today was Palm Sunday. I woke up ehh. It’s also interesting because growing up we didn’t really celebrate Palm Sunday so I think I’m still trying to see the significance of it.

    But I think something else that’s happening is I’m a little angry/mad at God. Or just overwhelmed with church. I don’t know, I think I’ve been seeking the glory of being on the church platform more than seeking God. And this month will be good for me because I’m not praying on the altar until the 26th of April. But I don’t know, I sometimes wonder if I’m going to the altar to “perform” instead of a relationship. Even in my down times, I catch myself daydreaming about prayer points to speak. There’s a sense of belonging there, but also a sense of power.

    Church was good, but long. With baptisms, strong worship, and a long word it was beautiful. And baptism Sunday always gets me. It’s so beautiful seeing people declare publicly that Jesus is Lord and Savior.

    The last song of worship really got me. Like my mind was desheveled after. Because I don’t know if that’s true for me right now.

    The lyrics is:

    Lord here is my life
    I lay it all down
    I’d rather have Jesus

    All of the treasures
    Could never measure
    Just give me Jesus

    And it was really hard for me to sing that. Because the truth of the matter is, all I have right now is Jesus, and that doesn’t feel like enough. During Palm Sunday, I was reminded that Jesus entered Jerusalem as a humble King. a selfless king. And that’s been my keyword of the week. That love is selfless and serving. And even writing this, I’m reminded of how selfish I’m being by not giving it to Jesus. I’m thinking of the money and power I could have/am not receiving, because he won’t give it to me, instead of thinking of what he’s already given me. I’m so focused on my situation that I can’t look up to marvel at God. Because the storm is heavyy and I’m going through it. But I don’t want temptation to take me away from Jesus. Or that Jesus stops being the center.

    After, I hung out with a friend. And that was really good and also revealing. I think sometimes when you’re a Christian, it’s hard to distinguish gossip from conversation. And she made me see that:
    a) Our church has a system (or lack of system) problem. And I think that is causing friction because no system means no one knows how to shepherd
    b) When God puts something on my mind, I must pray and seek His will on whether he wants me to speak on it. I must also remember that I’m here for such a time as this. Sigh, it’s just, sometimes I don’t know if it’s my flesh or the Holy Spirit or whether I’m supposed to pray or speak. I guess this is discernment and prayer.

    After, my friend had a dinner situation. It was the 8-year anniversary of her grandma’s passing, and she wanted to honor her with a Sunday dinner and circle. It made me reflect on the selfless love and how in a lot of relationships I’ve been selfish in my thinking and wants for that. And also letting people in. But I also want to honor my aunt and let them in. And the food was BUSSSIN.

    I’m now going to watch the season finale of Paradise. But I do pray that I seek God, while still praying and seeking systems and changes in my church. I also pray that I get the fruit of kindness and selflessness (in a nonpainful way)

  • Life Update: 3/22/26

    Today started off really well. And now I’m in my head. Lol.

    So, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this in other blogs, but I serve on the prayer team at my church. And that has come with its highs and lows, but I do think I’m right where God wants me to be.

    That being said, I try to consecrate myself in preparation (fasting the day before and now that the weather is nice, walking to church and praying). One worry I always have when I’m at the altar is that I am going to be praying off of my might and not by the Spirit. I know that I want the glory and desire praise because I want validation that I’m enough. But what I desire more is that God gets the glory. So, it’s been a fear if I’m being honest. That the words I’m saying are mine and not God’s.

    Anyway, the service was beautiful. It was God-ordained. My friend preached a very powerful sermon, and it really made me sit and think. It was needed especially in this season.

    I still don’t have a job. Or even job prospects. And the 1-year anniversary is April 1 (Also during Holy week lol). And this has been really tough, especially when I serve. Because when people come to me and ask for prayer, and their prayer gets answered, a little part of me is like, what about my request? What about my prayers? Where are you God in my situation?

    I was reminded in the sermon that Jesus wants to heal more than just physical suffering. And I’ve been reminded that God is selfless. Like intrinsically. And although God is moved by our faith and powerful enough to remove the suffering, sometimes we just have to live with the tension that walking with Jesus means waiting.

    So, after the sermon is the altar call. And God has been doing these “fun” things where he makes me do unorthodox ways. This time, he was directing me to pray for someone I didn’t know, but not through her, through her daughter-in-law. So, I had to motion her and pray. It was awkward because I’m just pointing and waiting, but God gets the glory.

    Also please pray for my church. People are carrying heavvvy burdens. I pray we have the right tools and capabilities to go deeper with God and be a place of deliverance.

    Afterwards, I had an impromptu brunch with the speaker and her family, and it was really nice (and they paid for me, FAVORRRR!). And brunch was great. And we just talked. And it made me realize how much I’ve missed them. But in a way that type of friendship. Or just chatting.

    Don’t get me wrong, my friends are great, but we don’t really talk after service. I don’t know, I don’t want to compare or also think that me missing some friends means that I don’t value or love my current friends.

    And then on my way home, someone stopped me and asked me to help them buy baby formula. I wanted to say no, but then a voice said, “Love them like Jesus”. And baby formula is EXPENSIVE. $56. Oh my gosh…And I was so worried that I was being scammed, or how I would pay for it. Help my focus shift to I thank God that he was able to use me for his glory. I hope she [Tina] is ok.

    Anyways, after I saw this tiktok (username @ms_dapherede) and it really helped:
    Pride says: I did this on my own. All by myself
    False Humility: I’m nothing & I didn’t do anything
    Godly humility: God gave me the ability & I use it faithfully

    Anyways, I felt great. On cloud 9. And I was tired, but I try not to sleep because my sleep schedule is sensitive so if I sleep, it’s hard for me to sleep at night. The next thing I know, I wake up confused. Like hella confused. Not sure what day it is, where I’m at. It took me like 5 minutes to remember that it was Sunday. I feel like if I were employed, I would have rushed to get ready for work. Guess there was a silver lining. lol.

    Anyways, I wake up confused and HORNYYYY. Like bruhhh. And again, not really sure what God feels about eroticas, but I felt like if I was watching them to ease, maybe not. So now I’m frustrated that I don’t even have anything tempting me, it’s just biology. And then after, I get sad. And lonely. And I don’t know why or what to do with this. But I speak Jesus. And that’s where I’m at right now. Like I want someone, but it doesn’t feeel (and look) like someone wants me. And that I have daydreams of finding someone at church. But my church has no single men. They come boo’d up. And I also think I’ve given up on that. Obviously I desire it but I guess I don’t believe it’s for me? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t believe I’m worthy enough to be loved or they’ll leave once they get close enough. Seeing people yearn and be intimate with each other makes me happy and sad because I can’t imagine that for me. Ain’t that something?

    My sister was speaking to my mom and her friend. I’m always a little jealous, I don’t really know how to talk about my life or let people in. I think I always feel like I’m going to be judged/I feel like a failure because I’m unemployed and unmarried. I don’t know. But I guess I get a little jealous because she talks with them freely.

    I know it’s a lie that I’m lonely. I’ve been speaking Jesus over my mind. And then also I’ve been getting these boils on my armpits. I don’t know how to stop them and I think the hair makes it worse. But I can’t shave because then it’ll aggravate it. The only option is laser hair and I don’t have the money right now. And my nosebleeds are getting more random and happening daily. My friend said it may have to do with exercise/walking which…hmmm. I think I’m frustrated because I’ve gone to doctors and nothing has changed. It’s gotten worse or stagnant. I’ve prayed with authority and it’s stayed the same. I think I’ve accepted this is my life instead of believing you can heal me. Help my mind.

    But that’s all I have. I want to pray for myself, the world, and others. It’s scary right now because it feels and looks so hopeless and bleak. It feels like the oppressor eill win. Something I have to remind myself is that the oppressor isn’t my enemy the devil is. And God cares for theme to. And he also cares for the oppressed.

    So this has been good to write the daily thoughts. And process outloud.

    Help us God. Be with us God. Thy will be done. Let us feel your love in all aspects. Remember your people. We need you. Remember us like you did in the 1930s, in the 1950s. God please help us and show us your love. Help me to trust you. To believe that when I seek you, you will answer with the right response.

  • Thank You

    Dear God,

    I asked you to help me see that the wait was worth it. This week you have shown me the value of friendships. Friends who see me as I am and who I’m striving to be. Friends who will spend resources and money if that means spending time with me.

    I know that I have been worried about so many spiritual terms such as demons, over-spiritualization, and what truly matters. Thank you for reminding me that friendship is a place to see you. Friendship is also a form of worship. A form of viewing your love.

    Although I may not be where I want to be, I’m not away from your presence. I’m not away from your love.

    My heart is full of gratitude for the people who you have placed in my life. May I always remember this feeling and always give you the glory.

  • Strength in Weakness

    Ok so.

    I have a problem.

    As you may know, I’m pretty involved in my church. And I also serve in some ministries.

    The problem is I’m getting irritated with people. Meaning that I don’t want to be around them. And I’m currently trying to discern if it’s a them issue or me.

    This has happened in the past. And when it’s with non-Christians, it’s because they were moving too close in personal space. This isn’t that.

    I get irritated. I feel like they’re being disingenuous or Jesus is their entire personality. As I was writing this, God (Holy Spirit?) put this scripture on my heart. I’m trying to be better at discerning God’s voice v. my own.

    But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
    – 1 Samuel 16:7 ESV

    So what does this mean for me? I don’t know, but let’s break it down together. Appearance/height means that Samuel had seen this formula work. Ie, he saw leaders that were handsome/strong and equated that with success. God is saying that it’s always been heart posture because that is humility and dependence on God.

    I wonder, in my situation, if because I have seen people who were “on fire” in public but in private weren’t or the opposite, that it’s rubbing me the wrong way. Or even if it comes off as performative, when it’s not. Or maybe it is performative.

    I don’t know. But what I know is that my behavior isn’t loving.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

    And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love
    – 1 Corinthians 13:8-13

    But I also wonder if I’m conflating love with friendship. I think I’m realize that I’m friendly/act lovingly towards friends and people that I can see friendship with.

    “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
    – John 13:34

    Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
    – Colossians 3:13

    Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
    – Romans 12:10

    Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
    – 1 Peter 4:8

    Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
    – 1 John 4:7

    Lol so the bible also doesn’t agree with my behavior, which means that God also doesn’t like it. And I think I knew that because I’ve been feeling conviction. But basically I need to honor these 2 people above my feelings for myself. And I think normally I “honored” by not being around them. I can’t do that lol. I see them weekly.

    So now I think the question is how do I love them when my flesh so badly doesn’t want to.

    Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
    – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

    Lol I guess the big thing is that this is a weakness. My tendency to be stubborn. And sidenote I know some people don’t like to say “oh I sstruggle with this or am this”. I personally do just so I know what I’m going through. I try not to take ownership but…yea.

    Anyways, a weakness of mine is that at times I am stubborn and easily irritated. So what do I do. I have to lean on God’s grace because it is sufficient.

    So here’s a prayer

    Dear heavenly father,

    A lot is going on in the world. A lot of chaos. Of uncertainty. But through it all. A constant is that you are God. And you are good. And you are faithful. Right now I feel a multitude of emotions. Frustration that a lot of my friends I don’t see often, and the people I do see I don’t consider them friends. But my life is in your hands. I repent of the way I’ve been treating your children. Even if it’s neutral/slightly abrasive, it is not love. And I know better. True repentance is changed behavior so I’m leaning on you to change my behavior. To remind me that I don’t know their intentions unless you reveal it to me. Help me not to lean on my flesh but on the spirit. And even if I don’t trust, help me to still act in ways of love. This is a weakness of mine, but in my weakness, you are strong.
    I love you. Thank you for loving me.
    In Jesus’ Name.

    Amen

  • Scared to Speak

    So, I watched a podcast episode and it made me think of a lot of things. And maybe this space can also be a place for me to unpack.

    So, fyi, it’s not a Christian podcast. But the 2 hosts and their guests are all Christian. And one of them is a recent Christian, but she didn’t want to say it or talk about her journey because she didn’t want there to be judgment because she wasn’t going to stop doing her (her official words were I’m not changing who I am). And then the three of them had a really interesting conversation that I want to dig deeper into. Because I do think it’s worth discussing. Because my heart kinda broke that she felt she had to hide her being a Christian because it doesn’t fit into others’ boxes. But it is interesting when your life is so public because your sin is also public.

    I was talking to my aunt about this, and she brought up an interesting point. In my parents’ generation, when they became Christians, they stopped anything that they thought was unholy. Drinking? no more. Clubbing? No more. They dropped it and went to church. But that was also their culture. Family and relationships were built on obedience, not intimacy.

    Fast forward to now, when, through intimacy, the desire to sin goes away for people. People can’t give up sins cold turkey. And I think it’s dangerous to expect that. Because if not, that can bring up condemnation and judgment. And I’m not saying one approach is better than the other one. Honestly, I’m not sure if Jesus prefers one over the other. (And if I think he does, I will read). I think there is also beauty in people realizing that their actions are sinful and choosing to repent internally and externally.

    I think the concern comes with a couple of topics:

    1. Judgment/Condemnation
    2. Glorifying sin
    3. No relational correction
    4. Inauthenticity

    I don’t know, it just breaks my heart that some Christians can’t live their lives as they are and allow themselves to be molded. And actions have consequences. Yes. But the consequences from people (other Christians) tend to be harsher than God’s. Sometimes it feels like when someone calls themselves a Christian singer or actor, they immediately become a people marker of holiness instead of Jesus. And because they are human, they will fail. But their failure is now a failure of Christianity instead of their humanity.

    I’m reminded of Kirk Franklin and how a lot of Christians don’t like him because his life is not polished. And I have the opposite view. I admire him for allowing us to see the humanity in his walk with Christ. The falls and coming back up. But that’s rare. And I’ve been thinking about this. At work, most people don’t show up their authentic self. There’s a level of professionalism to make everyone comfortable (a standard that’s set in White wealth). This same thinking also occurs in the church and has been one of the problems in churches. But is that what Jesus would want? Us to dress up ourselves so others are comfortable.

    In church, the word sanctification is thrown around a lot. The definition I use is the process of becoming pure through a relationship with God the father, son, and Holy Spirit. It’s a never-ending process because we can’t ever fully get pure and holy.

    In Romans, Paul talks about sanctification. He says,
    For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
    Romans 6:20-23

    But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
    Galatians 5:16-24

    From my understanding, Paul is saying a couple of points:

    • Through salvation, we are no longer in bondage to sin
    • When we accept Jesus, we get the Spirit. The Spirit is the one to help us to resist our flesh. When we walk by the Spirit (daily, not a marathon), that is how we don’t submit to flesh.
      • The Spirit will manifest itself through the fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control).
    • The more we are intimate in our relationship with the Spirit, the more evident the fruit will be in our lives. More of the fruit leads to us (Christians) becoming more pure and eternal life.

    I think this is beautiful. And I think the beautiful thing about Christianity is that it ultimately is a relationship with God. Meaning everyone’s journey will look different.

    An example is alcohol. People can argue about whether you can drink as a Christian. What is irrefutable is that drunkenness is a sin (and goes against the fruit of the Spirit [self-control]). Now then, if I, as a Christian, have a drink of wine in my house, that is good. But then, different standards happen when a gospel singer has a drink publicly.

    And I also don’t want this to come across like all actions (and sins) have no consequences. Because that’s not true. I am saying that when these people (except pastors, I’m mainly speaking about celebrities) become singers or podcasters, most of the time they are people who are using God’s gift. They are still humans. People just project them higher. And then when they fall, there’s a sense of glee because they showed their humanity, instead of a desire to help or pray for them to get back up.

    I know pastors who hide their alcohol when members come. Not because they have convictions, but because they don’t know how it’ll get perceived. And I think that’s dangerous. Because we’re still living in bondage. It would be different if they didn’t already drink, but hiding something, not to God but to man, to appear Christian…isn’t that a dangerous slope? And there are so many other lenses (cultural, region of living, family, etc…) How can we say someone isn’t a Christian if they do something that we don’t agree with? And what if it is something that God hasn’t consecrated yet?

    I don’t know. And this may not make a lot of sense. This post is rushed and not structured well, and will probably get edited. It just…it broke my heart that someone felt that she couldn’t be public with her faith because of her past. Isn’t that what Jesus was trying to stop?

    And I truly don’t know what the right approach is. Because I know when you stop doing something cold turkey, there is space for resentment and anger towards others. And it’s also weird because sometimes people on platforms are platforming a persona. And yet, we are condemning them and “taking” away their salvation, something only Jesus can do.

    I just pray we don’t become the Pharisees or Sadducees. That we have Jesus’ eyes and discernment in everything. And we are happy when another one of our brothers/sisters says yes to Jesus instead of trying to fix their lives to fit how we see Jesus in. One thing I’ve found is that Jesus is truly Emmanuel: God with us. And nothing goes to waste. Not even our sin. As much as we may not want it to be, sometimes people will find Jesus in a podcast rather than a church at first. And through the podcast, they’ll have the courage to go to church. But we can’t shame others when their relationship doesn’t look like ours or what we perceive the standard to be.