This is Me: Finding My Voice

A blog to openly put all my feelings while I'm discovering and loving myself.

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  • Jonathan: The unbitter crown prince

    A couple of weeks ago, I watched the movie David (great movie). I really enjoyed it, but one theme that really struck me was Jonathan and David’s relationship. Although the movie didn’t portray how close of a relationship they had, they highlighted Jonathan’s unselfishness and him stepping outside gladly for David to take his place as king.

    As I’m feeling a lot of bitter and envy and why me, I’m reminded of Jonathan. And rereading his story a couple of things stood out to me about the life of Jonathan.

    1. The age gap. I didn’t realize just how much older Jonathan was than David. Based on scholars’ estimates, Jonathan was around 30 years older than David. Which meant that when David killed Goliath in his teens, Jonathan was in his 40s, approaching 50. To have trained and prepared to be king well into your adult years, training for your birthright. And then to have that taken away, not even because of your mistakes, but because of your father’s (1 Samuel 15:28). And I don’t want to assume that he knew this when he saw David killing Goliath or David playing the harp for his father. All we know is that after David had killed Goliath and spoken to Saul, Jonathan’s soul was knit to David’s. Jonathan loved David as himself, even going so far as to make a covenant with David, and stripped his royal clothes and armor (sword, bow, belt) off to give to him (1 Samuel 18:1-4). Jonathan could have acted as if he were too mature, too wise to listen or be in a friendship with David. Yet he humbled himself and didn’t let age be a hindrance to a God-ordained relationship.
    2. Family Defiance: If it wasn’t for Jonathan, David would have died. Many instances. I wish they had highlighted that more in the movie (they gave all of it to Eliab, which… that’s a story for another day). But the weight of that is, I think, sometimes ignored, especially in modern times. The punishment for being “rebellious” was stoning (Deuteronomy 21:18-21), and if they thought that you hit or cursed your parent, they’d put you to death to remove the evil (Leviticus 20:9). Jonathan, growing up and following God, knew the consequences to his actions. And yet in 1 Samuel 19, when Saul tells Jonathan and his servants to kill David, Jonathan immediately tells David and even persuades Saul to not kill him. Even after, when Saul has unsuccessfully killed David and David is ranting to Jonathan, although Jonathan can’t believe his father would plot to kill without notifying him, he believes and trusts David, an act that was very uncommon in those times (1 Samuel 20: 1-4). Even after Saul tells Jonathan that he won’t be king as long as David is alive (1 Samuel 20:30) he still didn’t stop helping David, even going as far to question his father saying “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” (1 Samuel 20:32). He later honored his word with David and warned him not to come back, and they mourned together (1 Samuel 20:35-42).
    3. Honor: But never did it state that Jonathan’s heart became bitter or that his anger went to David or to God. He honored his covenant with David, and he honored God by obeying, even though it meant that what he thought his purpose was thwarted. I would love to know what he was feeling in that moment. Was he feeling rejected by God? Was he confused? Or was he so in touch with God that he understood that God was the ultimate king and it was an honor to serve him in whatever way?
    4. Friendship: Jonathan was the ultimate friend. In the wilderness, it’s said that Jonathan helped David to find strength in God. Which reminds me of Isaiah 40:31, where it says that they that wait for the Lord shall renew their strength. It also reminds me that God will send people to help us to find/renew our strength. Back to Jonathan. Saul, his father, is still hunting David. Saul’s actually the reason he’s in the wilderness. And now Jonathan knows that David is to be king. He could’ve blown his cover to Saul. He could’ve also complained to David about his new reality. But he goes to help his friend find strength. He doesn’t try to fight his battle, because that’s not his place. Instead, he does what a friend is supposed to do and reminded him who his God was and the purpose for his life. Jonathan tells David, “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.” (1 Samuel 23:17) Jonahtan obviously didn’t know he would have to die for David’s destiny to go on but he was willing to abdicate (or sacrifice) the throne for David to be king. And then they made another covenant before God. We don’t know what the covenant stated, but that shows the strength of their friendship. The encouragement of it, but God also being the center of their relationship. This was also their final encounter before Jonathan and Saul both died in battle against the Philistines (1 Samuel 31)

    In a phase in my life where I am feeling emotions of bitterness and envy, it’s always inspiring to see the bible correspond exactly to your situation. So this is my prayer:

    Help me father lord, to submit to your will like Jonathan knowing that you have the final say and it will turn out good. God I am also asking you to forgive me. Forgive me when I have made my heart bitter, thinking that you don’t like me and that people are taking what I think I am owed. Remind me that everything in this Earth is yours and I am merely a steward. Mold my heart till it looks like yours. Flesh out the bitterness and envy, and give me peace and satisfaction. Help me to be like Jonathan and say yes and be an encourager, a friend, and even go as far to defy law if it means obeying you. Lord, I pray that you bring me friends like Jonathan, but that I, too, in my relationships, be a Jonathan. Keeping you at the center and showing ferocious loyalty, encouragement, faith, and devotion towards my friendships and relationships. In Jesus’ name.

  • Tired Pt. 3 (1/28/26)

    Hi God,

    Happy Wednesday! Humpp dayyyy

    Today started out heavy. I woke up to my dad angry at me that I didn’t call him to tell him happy birthday at 10 AM. His birthday is today. Anyways after I got over that, I sat in my bed for hours. Luckily, my temp company called, and I got a same day assignment, which forced me out of my house.

    Leaving my house, I felt a multitude of emotions. Anger, bitterness, hopelessness. But leaving I felt peace and acceptance.

    First, the kids were kindergartners/1st graders and they were insanely cute. Secondly, the song by mercy me “even if” kept on playing in my head. And I think that’s my mindset. One of the lyrics is “I know the sorrow, I know the hurt could all go away if you just say the word but even if you don’t, my hope is you alone” And I guess that’s my prayer. That my hope will be in you even if it doesn’t look good. The root of my feelings is feeling abandoned. I have to remind myself that you’re a faithful God.

    The jealousy/envy thing is starting to bring up issues. The assignment was a private school and I just looked up tuition. $65K. A year. And I got angry again. And I need to let it go. I’m comparing myself and thinking my life would be better if I had money to spend like that. And although yea I wouldn’t have some problems, other problems would arise. I need to be satisfied in my situation.

    I don’t think I sat still. I updated my profile on Upwork. Have received no hits (even paid). I just don’t like not having income.

    I did respond to friend’s text. And that was nice. Kinda how I know this isolation is over.

    I also went to the gym. Have been more consistent.

    I think I’m going to explore grieving. And how Job grieved. And what do you want me to get from that.

    I’m sore from the gym (and I did order popeyes…) And I’m not going to pretend I’m going to sleep now because…I’m not.

    Thanks God. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow. And even if it’s not, you’re still with me.

    Love

  • Tired Pt 2 (1/27/26)

    Hi God.

    It’s been a day. Couldn’t sleep until 430 and woke up at 1030. Then went back to sleep until 1. It’s not like I’m doing anything right?

    These feelings will pass but right now I’m very much over it. When I woke up this song was in my head (thanks Holy Spirit).

    I want to believe it and in my head I know this. I’m just angry. I read Psalm 28 and fell asleep to a sermon on it. I don’t know it’s just been a day.

    I did do laundry today! And showed and brushed my teeth! And the song was “For my good”. I need to remind myself that God hasn’t forsaken me. Even though it really looks like it.

    I also wrote a prayer out loud. And that was really helpful. Just writing it and remembering that he (God & Jesus) understands, especially because Jesus went through the same emotions I did.

    And then my cousin, whom I love with all my heart (she lost her job in September and didn’t start looking until December) called me and told me that she found a new one. And now that she can afford it (she’s in London) her and her sister are coming to the States in April.

    I am extremely happy and ecstatic for her. That being said, after the call I broke down and cried. And it wasn’t a cry it was a laugh cry. Because it just feels like I’m not enough for anyone.

    And I think this situation showed that I still have some envy and bitterness. Some backstory, me and this cousin are the same age and growing up I was always compared to her. And it feels like I lost again in not being enough. She looked for a month…a month! It’s been month 10 for me and I’m back to square 1. Again. So now I have to believe that God’s favor is still on me. That I’m not forgotten just because someone I know got the same blessing that I’ve been praying for. And that’s really hard. Because I feel like a failure. And that I’m being overlooked.

    I’m ignoring everyone’s texts. And I feel bad. But I just don’t have the energy to communicate. I know people are going to want to be helpful but right now I don’t want to hear it gets better or keep on waiting.

    I am waiting. I’m just tired right now but I’ll be back soon. I’m just over it. And I feel like Christians sometimes don’t give space to allow others to grieve freely. Sometimes it feels like we think grieving is the opposite of God or we think grieving means we don’t trust and believe.

    I’m really tired so I’m going to sleep.

  • Prayer of Feelings

    Dear God,

    I thank you that you are God of all. That there is only one of you. That I don’t have to go to various gods for various emotions or things. I can give it all to you. I thank you God that you are truly Kadosh-holiest of it all. I thank you Lord that you are worthy and mighty. That you are a good father. That you are a provider. That you are the prince of peace. That you are the way maker. That daily your mercies are new.

    Right now, God I am feeling a multitude of emotions. I have been waiting for almost a year for a new job. And it feels hopeless. And although I know that my hope should not be in temporary things but should only be in you (and it is), I do still feel feelings. Feelings of disappointment, feelings of anger, feelings of shame in myself. I’m thankful God that I can come to you in all states. I can come to you as I am. I am reminded of David and how many of his writings in Psalms are laments. I’m reminded of Jeremiah writing Lamentations.

    And most of all, I’m reminded of Jesus who was both God and man and still admitted that his soul was sorrowful and asked God to take the weight away from him (Matthew 26:37-38). I’m reminded that at the cross, Jesus asked you why you have forsaken him (Matthew 27:47). And if Jesus, who was perfect, could give you his emotions so can I. If Jesus, in his humanity, felt like you had forsaken him even though he knew you didn’t and knew his will, so can I.

    I don’t know what’s going on in my life. Workwise, I feel like a failure, in relationships I feel like a placeholder. Right now, I feel bogged down. I haven’t responded to any messages from people texting me. I just feel like I’m in a dark hole. I know you have a plan for me. I know it’s all working for my good. But I feel like a waste.

    It feels like my life is currently a nightmare that I’m trying to wake up from. But the nightmare is just rejections and financial instability. haha. God, I don’t understand but I trust you. I’m glad that I can give you all of it. I know your ways are higher than my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts. Every day I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I want to see myself and love myself the way you do, but it’s really hard. Really really hard. I feel like I’m always blubbering and messing up. Or I can’t cultivate strong relationships. You say that it’s not good for man to be alone. But I don’t even know what my place is. What if my purpose is just to bring people together to find their forever people, their friends. But what about me? I’m trying to be strong, but I don’t even know what strong is.

    Restore my confidence God. Confidence in you. Confidence in myself. Because I also don’t know what I’m doing and I think any choice I make is the wrong one. I don’t think this is how you want me to live but I don’t know. I don’t know what I really know besides that you are God and I am not. And that everything will work out for the good of those who trust him.

    Be my strength and shield. In you let my heart trust. Be my saving refuge. Be my shepherd.

    I hate the wilderness. But I grow in it. I selfishly would like to grow in the mountains but not my will. I’m just tired. And I know you see my tiredness and you care. But can it be overrrrr. please? As I’m waiting upon you, let my strength be renewed. Let me run and not grow weary. Let me walk and not faint. Because right now I am weary. I am over it. Finito. So be with me. Let me continue to praise you before the breakthrough. Because, if I’m being honest I’m so scared of the future. It feels like I’m always waiting for something. And this morning I started seeing myself at 50 still waiting for a husband. Or waiting to have a child. And I think I was seeing it as you not loving me or punishing. So, help me to believe and feel like you love me. I’m just being honest God. I believe you love me but help my unbelief.

    It feels like the only person who truly wants to know me is you God. And that’s because you already know me. And if that’s what it is, let it be. It’s really lonely though. I’m really alone. I don’t even think I know how to be a friend. I just don’t like myself in this moment. Or for a while. Sigh. I know you desire me, but I don’t. Help me to. Desire myself.

    Here I am. You say ask and you shall receive. So I’m asking for a job that’s exceedingly above all I can ask or think. That my mind would be calm. That I would stop believing that lie that I’m not enough. That I would not believe the lie that I’m a waste. I’m asking you to restore everything lost during this duration. Silence the noise in my mind God. Stop thinking that you’ve abandoned or forsaken me. Help me to be satisfied in my current situation. And help me not to grow resentful of this wilderness.

    Also help me to be mindful of my words, especially when I’m anger or overwhelmed.

    Thank you for loving me. Help me to love others the way you do, even those that are rude or mean or poopybutts. Help me to not judge others, but to see the log in my eye. I don’t know anymore. I feel like a failure. Help me to see the success story you see in me. Because I surely don’t.

    All these things I pray in Jesus’ name.

    Amen

  • Tired (1/26/26)

    Hi God,

    I know this post is earlier than normal, but I feared it wouldn’t get done if not now.

    I woke up with a heavy heart and knew I didn’t get the North Carolina job. I tried to believe but I think you were preparing me.

    I wrote the songs today, just so I wouldn’t forget lol. The song was breathe but also surrounded. Twofer.

    I don’t know what this means, but accepting that he is God. Yea.

    I actually didn’t’ find out until after my interview for another job which I didn’t do great. And it was so funny, because I was ok with not doing great because I knew that the job for me was in North Carolina. Immediately after I log off, I see the email. And then these 2 songs came on

    A very CCM mood.

    It was funny, I was sad for 10 minutes and now the primary emotion is tired.

    My faith isn’t that God won’t do it. It’s why this path. Why the long road? I’m trying to figure out what else I can do. And it’s so perfect that I’m on the fast because I just wanted to eat chocolate and popeyes and cry. But I sat with it. Talked with God. I wasn’t angry or crying reckless like I’ve done in the past. Still confused because I thought North Carolina was the place but hey! And I think a fear of mine is that I didn’t hear you at all. So now I’m doubting the voice in my head. Because it just led me to a lie. Or maybe a not yet.

    I don’t know, you aren’t telling me explicitly what to do. I was annoyed about having nothing to rely on concerning my future 9 months ago and I’m still annoyed. Because I’m ready, I just want to know what. Or even what good is it to constantly have to not work. Just sit in unemployment and rejection. How much more breaking down do I need for it to be satisfactory for my loving father

    …I guess I am a little angry lol. welp. But more just hurt. And embarrassed. I told so many people this was the job. And now it’s not. And now I have to see pity and hear the questions in their heads. “what is wrong with her”. lol. What is wrong with me?

    I did eat leftovers. I wasn’t going to eat at all but that would be reckless to go 24 hours without food. My body is still a temple even if I feel like a loser. I also don’t think I’ll go to the gym today. Or maybe I will I don’t know.

    Today, I’m just going to be sad. Tomorrow I’ll clean my room and bathroom (what I was supposed to do) and Wednesday I’ll go back on the job hunt.

    It’ll be 10 months on Sunday. And I know I’m not a failure but I sure as hell feel like it. I am not doubting your plan I’m just tired. Tired of that slight disappointment when I don’t get the job as well as reaffirmation in the lie that I’m a failure.

    I feel like the past 2 months I’ve really seen the value of a partner because friends are great, but I’ve never felt so alone. But waiting on that too ahaha.

    I’m going back to sleep or snooze or I don’t know. The tears are forming again.

    I trust you God. This is just tiring.

    Tisa

  • What If

    Yes, the world is dark-
    Yes, hope can seem futile

    But what if we chose to keep on believing
    not in people, or government, but in Yahweh

    Yes, sin has made the world fractured-
    In ways that we understand and can’t
    But the world has always been impacted by sin
    The only constant has been God’s goodness

    The same God that has been there when all the empires have fallen
    is the same one who was there when new countries risen.
    Who was there before our first breath
    And will be there for our last

    Who has seen genocides start and end
    but has also seen marriages start and newborns born

    So instead of sitting in darkness
    wondering why us
    wondering how much longer

    What if we sit with God
    and not only wait on him
    but be the change

    What if instead of waiting to die to get to heaven
    we bring heaven to Earth

    What if instead of letting the world take our seasoning
    we stand tall in us being the salt of the world?

    We let our light shine bright because we place our hope in something greater.

    Hmm. What if?

  • Shouts of Joy (1/25/26)

    Hi God,

    It’s me, your daughter.

    Happy snow day! I didn’t go outside once today but everytime I see snow it reminds me of the fact that no two snowflake are the same and how, like snowflakes, we are uniquely and wonderfully made (I hope that’s not a fake fact).

    Today was restful and insightful. I don’t know what time I slept but because church in person was cancelled I didn’t set an alarm. I woke up at 11:06 confused lol. But the word was really impactful (being salt of the earth and what that means).

    I’m trying to be better at seeing people’s journey through your eyes and not c0omparing it to mine. Ie when someone says they’re fasting to 12, my first thought is to be grateful that they’re taking that initial step and not why can’t they do more for God. Although I didn’t enjoy the way I was raised in the church, I’m realizing that I took a lot of their hardcore/all or nothing approach to you than I realized or wouldn’t have.

    I meditated on Psalm 27 again today. I thinkg we’ll move to Psalm 28 toomorrow (unleess you tell me no). The verses that really stood out to me were v.6 and 14. It reads as:

    And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the LORD;Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!
    – Psalm 27:6;14

    I know I said this in a previous post, but again today, I’ve just been singing shouts of praise with songs and melodies. But also reminding myself that fear doesn’t control me. I think that’s how I interpret the phrase “let your heart take courage”. I’m letting my heart believe that a job I haven’t heard back from is mine.

    I know I said I believe the North Carolina job is mine, but I’ve been wondering if it’s the Virginia one. Or am I acting like Abraham and impregnating Hagar instead of waiting for Isaac? Like I wasn’t going to study for the job interview, but I also want to be excellent as a child of God.

    Sigh, God give me clarity.

    I did make dinner! stew and rice and spinach. And it was great! The thing with the corporate fast is that I am realizing how little energy I have in the morning. Like I actually need to adjust and make sure I’m still taking care of my body (the temple).

    The no desserts part of fast is hitting. But it’s so funny because my skin is so much clearer lol. And I don’t have withdrawal craving. It is telling how much sugar I consumed daily. I think as the fast is winding down, something I’m not looking forward to is how much distractions there are in my life. Like I’ve loved this time with you unbothered. But I know I allow distractions from letting me seek your face. And not having social media, forcing my flesh not to eat, I don’t want to lose that intimacy.

    This is the last week of corporate fasting. The third week is usually where I find loopholes and “manipulate” the flesh so I’m not really sacrificing. Discipline is really hard for me. It’s like that verse says, “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41)”. And my flesh is weakkk. I already feel myself slipping with the gym and these blogs. And I really don’t want to slip with you God.

    Side note but these ads aren’t helping. Why did I see two ads for oreo thins? My favorite type of oreos. And I’ve never seen an ad before this fast started. And yesterday at my friend’s place, they had cheesecake, oreos cups. I really hadn’t been tempted until yesterday.

    Sigh, let’s pray I sleep earlier than normal and wake up at a good time.

    Love,

    Tisa

  • Don’t Look Back (1/24/26)

    Dear God,

    You know, I always come here to ask and complain but I never stop and see how you’re doing. So how are you God? What are you feeling? Someone reminded me that it’s important to stand still with you in silence.

    Today was calm. I’m realizing through this that I don’t do a lot lol. But it was my friend’s surprise bday party in Philly! It was originally supposed to be a sleepover but because of the snow I decided to come back early.

    But before even going back to Philly, my friend interviewed me for her school project (she’s in divinity school) and that was dope. And I feel like I have a lot of thoughts but no where to put them (besides this blog loll) and I want to be in conversation with people and talk.

    There was this song from this worship pastor that I’ve been coming back to. But it made me remember how great you are, the one from tribe of Judah. But what does that mean? That you are the lion from Judah? Examining that right now lol.

    One thing God has been showing me is how much I have to train my mind and body to do things even when I don’t feel like it. One thing that I’ve been slacking is nightly devotionals. But after listening to the song, I started 1 Chronicles! To dig specifically in the genealogy of Judah.

    I met up with a childhood friend who lives in Philly. The convo was brisk unfortunately and surface level and I felt bad because I made her come out in the cold but I think I need to remind myself that people will come out if I ask even for a moment. I’m probably (definitely) overthinking. I do that a lot.

    The surprise party was amazing! She was so surprised and felt loved. It was great seeing her cousins and friends love on her. I was grateful to see that and be a part of that.

    The don’t look back. I think when I see stuff like that I wonder if I am strong enough in relationships to have that. For people to know that and want to celebrate me like that. But that’s not the right mindset. I need to be grateful for my now and relationships and not envying others.

    Also a former crush is here. And although I have no feelings, something in me wants to go back to having feelings. I don’t know if it’s because i miss the feeling of desiring someone or because I’ve made rejection a part of me, but we’re not going back. Especially because we’re actually friends now and there’s no point ruining it for ghost feelings.

    I pray we get back to NY well. I pray for those homeless in this storm and that they get warmth and you will make a way for them. I pray for those who aren’t prepared for this snow storm that you will comfort them.

    Thanks God.

  • Be Still (1/23/26)

    First, I’m still cracking up about how you showed myself who I am and I need to stop worrying (read my last post for real time updates). I think it served as a good reminder about that you got me. I am protected and seen by you.

    I don’t know why I can’t remember the songs on my heart when I wake up. Last week I wwas so good and now I feel myself falling. Not just with this, but with going to the gym, cooking, etc. Now the motivation is low. Sigh and now I need to move beyond my flesh and desires.

    But today was calm. Still waiting for the job update. I did do a lot of excel skills refresh. i actually haven’t done excel in a very long time (since I got laid off and I need to make sure my skills are still as strong as I’ve claimed on my resume). I’m even trying to make a list, so I don’t make errors that I did in my previous job. Trying to learn lol.

    There’s a huge snowstorm which has changed some plans. I was supposed to go back to my parent’s home Sunday morning from my friend’s place in Philly. But now I’m doing a day trip to Philly and coming back before the storm hits. Oof.

    It was so funny because I was not thinking the storm was that big. But church got cancelled, plans got cancelled, apparently the grocery stores are empty. I’m in shock!

    My church had a prayer meeting today and it was powerful. And it’s so funny because we broke up in small groups and during the group this song came in my heart. And I know this was God because I haven’t heard this song in YEARS.

    But yea, I think that’s what I need. to open my eyes. I want to see you in everything. In the waiting, on the mountains, in the valleys. Everything. We then prayed about waiting and seeking your kingdom, and I also hope that I stay grateful and have a thankful heart. I need that lol.

    Reflecting on this week, every time we do a corporate fast the 2nd week is the calmest in terms of fasting, but you really correct me the most. This year, you showed me how much of a Pharisees I act and how much I judge others, especially if I subconsciously don’t agree with their decisions or their methods.

    Alright, I’m going to chill now. Thanks for a calm Friday.

  • I need to stop worrying

    Today I woke up and my heart was heavy. And I don’t think I got the job. Granted, this could be over worrying, but they were supposed to reach back out on Wednesday. It’s Friday now. Normally when that happens, you didn’t make it and they forgot to send the “We regret to inform you” email.

    I’m sad and tired. And I’m just tired. It’s really funny, there was a sermon i watched after having my prayer breakdown (crying and screaming while praying). I’ll tag it below. The song “Even if” by Naomi Raine and Anthony Evans has also been playing.

    Lol, as I’m writing the recruiter just reached out telling me they’re at an offsite and haven’t had chance to debrief…welp.

    I know God is looking at me like you always worry before it happens and for why? But this morning was beautiful in because I was fasting, I couldn’t go to other distractions and just had to talk to him. Normally what happens is I ignore these feelings or say it is well and then wake up at 5 AM and have a full breakdown (it’s happened at least twice in the past 9 months ahaha)

    I think one thing that I’ve realized is I feel undesirable. Relationally and professionally. So, every time I get a no, it’s confirmation that I’m not desired and no one is telling me what’s wrong with me. So then I started to believe my hope was in vain and preparing myself for disappointment. Which is so funny because it would’ve hurt twice. I need to stop doing that.

    God, I thank you that you love me even in my flaw state and with all my insecurities. That, you are good to me. Forgive me when I have been impatient and forgetting that your time isn’t my time. Help me to endure whatever comes.