This is Me: Finding My Voice

A blog to openly put all my feelings while I'm discovering and loving myself.

recent posts

about

  • Dear God (1/11/26)

    Dear God,

    Right now Naomi Raine’s song “Be with Me” is playing. She has a verse in the bridge “Fear has no choice but to bow down, darkness gives way to the light now, heaven and earth they respond to the sound, whatever I speak that’s what it’ll be.”

    I’m having a hard time believing that.

    I feel like a failure. I feel like a waste of space and time. Like I can’t get anything right. I don’t know.

    It’s been over 9 months since I got laid off from my job. A job that I didn’t like and felt like I sucked at.

    And it feels like every job alive have come in secret agreement that I suck and they won’t tell me so I can continue on this public humiliation trial.

    I graduated a couple of years ago and the major I completed was not one synonymous with making money (African-American Studies). But I got a good job right after college. ANd I worked hard. And failed a lot. That job and I wasn’t compatible and I sucked at it. Made careless mistakes, didn’t visualize the data. 3 months before I left I was placing bets on how many months until they fire me. Luckily I got laid off for the severance package 🙂 ahaha I kid. They only gave 6 weeks 😦

    But it’s been 9 months. and i am still unemployed. My savings is depleted. Credit card debt is high and I’m just confused. I didn’t want to get laid off. I want to have an income. But with all the interviews and all the rejections I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. And failing at everything I touch.

    I think what makes it feel like it’s me is that others have gotten job. My old coworkers who got laid off the same time as me found jobs/are employed. People that started the job search later found new roles.

    And I guess what’s hurting more is that one opportunity I have is a lower paying job with the same amount of work. It feels like this time off is to start worse than I was before. I don’t know what I did and am doing wrong. It feels like the waiting resulted in a worse position and if I’m honest I’m not grateful. I know I should be but I’m not. I’m bitter. I’m not trying to treat you like a genie, but the waiting was worth that? less in an already expensive place? I haven’t even gotten the job and I’m acting bitter.

    And the worst part is everyone expects me to have a 5 year plan titled exactly. And to be honest I didn’t expect to live past 21 so everything is new. And it’s not like i don’t want to plan, it’s just that I don’t know. Genuinely. I desperately want to know. I’m begging to know what my life is supposed to be. But i don’t know how to plan and I’ve asked. So alas. Here I am. planless, jobless, and moneyless :). it’s not all bad. I just don’t like having a plan.

    I went back home for Christmas/New Years. Its where my parents live. This is also the first time I’ve been home for longer than a week. It was a lot. But the issue is this: its is just a small southern town in the Northeast. All my friends I grew up with are engaged, married, or in serious relationships. And here I am. Desperately single. So single I’m having a hard time believing it’ll ever happen (I know I’m young yadayadayada).

    But it’s not just that. It’s the fact that no one even tries. At the baby shower, everyone was trying to set up my younger sister up and not me. It feels like everyone doesn’t believe marriage, or relationships, or even love is for me. I think that’s what hurt. Something that I believe (love isn’t for me/I’m not enough/there’s something wrong with me) and I feel like that fear got confirmed many times. And it’s always getting confirmed. I feel invisible. and unseen. and unloved.

    And then the secret is. What if what i desire doesn’t desire me. I’ll be honest. I’m a black Nigerian woman and I would like someone black and Nigerian. A fear of mine is that because I don’t look like those people, I’ll never be enough. I don’t care about makeup or do it daily. I have a more street style. I just feel like at times my personality derails love. And the only people that would want me are white guys into Nubian girls. It’s funny until it’s not. Or i have to settle. You said those who wait will not be put to shame and I feel ashamed the more I wait. Ashamed of me.

    Finally, everyone and their mother wants to be my mentor. And I’m sick of it. I realized that the reason why it hurts so much is because they don’t see me as a friend and they’re kind of rejecting me as a friend. Like I’m not enough. that i need to be saved. that just constantly needs advice. I don’t know how to fix that, and I should be grateful but i don’t know. it kind of messes me up knowing that people don’t necessarily want to do life with me they just want to advise me on life.

    I don’t know tbh what I’m feeling i just feel like i suck. Yea

    I don’t feel like enough. I know you love me. But right now I don’t know why. I feel like I suck.

    Like I’m a waste of space.

    Thanks God. Help me God.

  • It is Well

    Hi. It’s been a while.

    I’m still here. We thank God.

    Happy new year.

    I’m still unemployed. The past month has been good. I’ve remained hopeful, I’ve had interviews, and occupied myself with other things (like subbing, sims, etc). I’m trying to eat healthier and go to the gym more.

    But today? Today is hard. I woke up heavy. I’m tired and over it. And it might be because I had back-to-back interview days and then woke up with nothing in my calendar.

    I trust God. It is well, but dang it this is sucks. It’s been almost 9 months. I believe that God is working and this will work out for his good, I’m just over it.

    And going on LinkedIn isn’t helping. Seeing people i went to college succeeding, founding startups, getting promoted and I don’t want to b jealous but I am. I feel that my life is a stalemate, and I don’t know next direction.

    But it is well with my soul.

    I am grateful that I serve a God that I can simultaneously know it will work out while feeling my human emotions. This isn’t the end, but it feels exhausting. Savings drained, credit card bills high, yet it is well.

    That’s all I have.

  • Peace

    This week I have felt at peace. And it’s scaring me. I wonder if I’m becoming too comfortable in it.

    I got laid off in April. I have been unsuccessfully looking for a new job since. I’ve felt a roller coaster of emotions. Betrayal, embarrassment, anger, sadness, hopelessness. But now I feel at peace. But also, comfortable. And that scares me.

    Let me explain. So, even before I got laid off, I was looking for new employment. My job was toxic, but I also wasn’t good at it. I doubted myself, wasn’t looking to grow and I was miserable. They started “soft firing” me by not giving me any work and I felt like a waste of space being somewhere for 8 hours and not contributing anything.

    When I got laid off, my first thought was where was the money going to come from. After a couple of days I just felt a deep sadness. And embarrassment. Why me? Why was I not good enough? And through this came bitterness. Bitterness of everyone who got a job before I did. Bitterness of me thinking I chose the wrong major, wrong school, wrong everything. I was angry at the world, at God, and at myself.

    But this week. I’m at peace. Which is crazy because this is the first month in which my savings is drained. I have no idea how I’m paying December rent, but I know it will get paid. If this is what I needed to fully trust God, then let it be. The issue is now I’m getting comfortable. I need an income to live but I’m ok with the no’s now.

    I’m also scared. Scared to fail. Scared that I won’t be good at it. Or good enough. I had an interview this week and during it I could feel my brain saying abort mission. And I don’t want to live in fear. Because I’m not a slave to fear. Because I’m a child of God.

    So, I’m preparing and studying and trying to focus on the present and not the future. And trusting God that the right job will come and it won’t take me away from him. But I’m at peace. And I’m happy about that :).

  • Authentically in Christ

    So I have a hard time with being authentically me. And during this transition of life, I think one lesson God is trying to teach me is that freedom in Christ means the privilege to be authentically the way God has created me.

    When I think back to April, I can’t help thinking how different of a mental place I was. I didn’t realize how much self-deprecation I have been doing. How scared I was to be authentically me. And how I constantly put on a mask. That mask led to me overcompensating my worth in relationships, in work, but also led to me trying to find reasons that I wasn’t worthy. But it also led to me consistently living in fear that those things will be gone

    And that’s not freedom. That’s bondage to shame.

    ‘So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” …Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. ‘
    John 8:31-32,34-36 ESV

    The phrase who the son sets free is free indeed. And when we talk about it in church, it is always in relation to sin. But I’ve been thinking about relationships. And what is needed to have a true genuine relationship with God. And how, in order to be authentic in life, I have to first be authentic with God.

    I hated myself. I was angry at God for making me this way. All my quirks, I couldn’t stand my personality. I was constantly comparing and believed that everyone’s lives were more worthy than mine. Treating others like their lives were more worthy. I didn’t express my opinions and people pleased so much that I didn’t even realize I wasn’t formulating opinions, I was just agreeing. And unbeknownst to me, I started to churn resentment within myself of others, and how successful their lives looked. Resentment of how others appeared to spur rewards for them being themselves while all I got when I replicated that formula was pain or failure, not my definition of success. And, if I’m being honest, I was frustrated. Frustrated at God for not letting me have what I saw others have. And I think that frustration built a belief that there was something wrong with me and nothing would fix that. So the only choice is to be miserable until death. Dramatic, yes but.

    And before I proceed, I don’t’ want to say that I don’t ever feel like that anymore. I’m human with years of self-esteem issues that have been building up and haven’t been healthily dealt with. But during htis months there has been a shift. What I can say now, honestly, is that I approach life with God’s love as my source and not my desire to fit in. As the verse says …And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” ‘
    Mark 12:30-31 ESV

    To experience love I have to first love God first and let that love in turn be the catalyst and motive of me loving others and more importantly, myself. But also, I think, to be real I have to be honest about my feelings and give it to him. So that I am not lying to myself. And that is hard because sometimes I don’t want to acknowledge the pain someone or something has caused. Or I don’t want to acknowledge how broken I am, or even how something from my past can still have an impact in my present. Because it’s frustrating and at times, embarrassing. Which is why I think in 1 Peter 5, Peter says to first humble yourself before casting all your anxieties (other versions have cares) unto him.

    ‘ Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ‘
    1 Peter 5:6-10     ESV

    In this consistent casting, I started to see how a lot of my actions towards others were not through love but manipulation. Because I wanted to buy/win someone’s love. I wanted to feel worthy of something. Which causes me to go along with everything or not say my opinion, because I wasn’t keeping God at the center and doing actions thru his love that I’ve already received. It also didn’t allow me to acknowledge the unique ways God has created me. And more importantly, if I didn’t walk in that uniqueness then I was disobeying God’s command.

    It also made me see how scared I was to be me. I felt as if I would lose friendships. And I haven’t. I’ve actually grown closer. I stopped believing that no one liked me and started inviting people and hanging out with people. And I’m still working on this but I’m learning to stop comparing at others’ lives and to embrace mine. My friendships. And it’s hard. Especially when I see people having the life I envisioned. But sometimes my greatest enemy is my mind. I undervalue peoples love of me and overvalue their hatred, because if I’m being honest that’s how I treat myself. But no more. I latched onto people who treated me poorly because I saw their love as a prize instead of watering the love my true friends gave me freely. But no more

    To be genuinely me is freedom. Freedom that Christ died and resurrected for. Freedom that I have because I am an adopted child of God. But also, freedom that the devil doesn’t want for me.

    ‘For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, ‘
    Romans 8:14-16

    But I am also cognizant of the fact that in order to be authentically me, I need the Spirit to lead my actions. I need to surrender to God’s will and not mine. Daily. Give us today our daily bread.

    And I pray that I pick up my cross daily and surrender to God’s will and let him lead me.

    Shout out to this new stage: My authentic self.


  • Hello World!

    Hi! So I have a lot of feelings. Lol. And I am very bad at putting them out there. I’m hoping that this blog will give me space to put it all out there.

    Couple of things to know: I’m in my mid-twenties trying to figure it out. I am working on not needing people’s approval and praises unhealthily. I hope you enjoy (Talking to myself and who else finds it)

  • Feelings in the key of Ella Mai ( as of Nov 13 2025)

    So I’ve never been in a relationship. And I’m 25. And it really bothers me. But I think what really bothers me is because I don’t feel desirable to others (particularly men).

    First, let’s start with where I’m at right now. I have this tendency to have crushes out of boredom (I’m a lil delulu forgive me). Honestly, it starts from me feeling left out that I don’t like anyone. Especially because I want to like someone. And then I see someone who is either a) giving me attention or b) fits what I think I want in a partner. And it’s so funny because whenever I have conversations with these crushes there’s NO chemistry. Like they show no interest in me or the conversation is as dry as the desert. And then I’m like ok cool. crush…gone! Yay! Except….my brain is the queen of delulu. I start making up scenarios: them proposing, planning cute dates, sending me declaration of love. And I start falling in love with the idea of someone who’s not even real. And it would be fine except it’s like a mini heartbreak every time we chat because it reinforces the lack of attraction.

    Sigh, I guess the reason why this is on my mind is because I just got off the phone with my I guess current “crush” and it was so ughh. He’s helping me with job apps (that’s for another blog) and the entire day I’ve just been creating up situations in my head. Tell me why I dreamed of getting called to the principal’s office for our son who was bullying a child… yea. And I guess I was living in la la land and then for the conversation to be a) so professional and b) no semblance of anything was disheartening but not surprising. And it’s not even his fault. It’s his right not to like me. It’s just painful that I know this and my brain is still like maybe….

    Like this reminds me of the Tori Kelly song “all in my head” except I know it isn’t real. And he’s not the first…ughhh. I’ve ruined friendships over my delulu brain. It helps that I won’t be seeing him for a long time but ughhhhh. The core issue is the same

    Now, the overall issue. I don’t think it’s possible for me to be loved romantically. Idk man, I don’t want to be alone. But that’s just the way life is going. And you know what, I’ve tried the apps, in-person, it just doesn’t click. And i know there’s nothing wrong with me, that love is a coincidence, but it’s weird when nothing is working and romantic love for me only exists in my mind. It’s actually not weird, its sad…yea.

    I’m also a Christian. And i think a gripe I have with God is why so long. I’m not desperate, I want quality love but why not now. Why do people find their helpers quickly and I have to wait for so long. And idk I kind of wish the desire wasn’t there but then I’d feel weird that I can’t relate to this feeling others around me can. But in some ways that is how I feel because I’m literally forcing myself to have a crush to feel something. And I guess that’s a feeling of normalcy. But I would also like that feeling to reciprocate. Sigh. And it’s so funny because my friends released a very intimate podcast about a disagreement they had within their marriage, and it reminded me how hard marriage and love is.

    But I want it. I want romantic love. I have self-love, familial love, platonic love. And yes, they’re not perfect but they do fulfill me. But romantic love is a different type of fulfillment. And I want that love to want me so badly. But it doesn’t want me. At least not right now. And I have to be at peace with that.

    I just wish that my brain was.