This is Me: Finding My Voice

So I’ve never been in a relationship. And I’m 25. And it really bothers me. But I think what really bothers me is because I don’t feel desirable to others (particularly men).

First, let’s start with where I’m at right now. I have this tendency to have crushes out of boredom (I’m a lil delulu forgive me). Honestly, it starts from me feeling left out that I don’t like anyone. Especially because I want to like someone. And then I see someone who is either a) giving me attention or b) fits what I think I want in a partner. And it’s so funny because whenever I have conversations with these crushes there’s NO chemistry. Like they show no interest in me or the conversation is as dry as the desert. And then I’m like ok cool. crush…gone! Yay! Except….my brain is the queen of delulu. I start making up scenarios: them proposing, planning cute dates, sending me declaration of love. And I start falling in love with the idea of someone who’s not even real. And it would be fine except it’s like a mini heartbreak every time we chat because it reinforces the lack of attraction.

Sigh, I guess the reason why this is on my mind is because I just got off the phone with my I guess current “crush” and it was so ughh. He’s helping me with job apps (that’s for another blog) and the entire day I’ve just been creating up situations in my head. Tell me why I dreamed of getting called to the principal’s office for our son who was bullying a child… yea. And I guess I was living in la la land and then for the conversation to be a) so professional and b) no semblance of anything was disheartening but not surprising. And it’s not even his fault. It’s his right not to like me. It’s just painful that I know this and my brain is still like maybe….

Like this reminds me of the Tori Kelly song “all in my head” except I know it isn’t real. And he’s not the first…ughhh. I’ve ruined friendships over my delulu brain. It helps that I won’t be seeing him for a long time but ughhhhh. The core issue is the same

Now, the overall issue. I don’t think it’s possible for me to be loved romantically. Idk man, I don’t want to be alone. But that’s just the way life is going. And you know what, I’ve tried the apps, in-person, it just doesn’t click. And i know there’s nothing wrong with me, that love is a coincidence, but it’s weird when nothing is working and romantic love for me only exists in my mind. It’s actually not weird, its sad…yea.

I’m also a Christian. And i think a gripe I have with God is why so long. I’m not desperate, I want quality love but why not now. Why do people find their helpers quickly and I have to wait for so long. And idk I kind of wish the desire wasn’t there but then I’d feel weird that I can’t relate to this feeling others around me can. But in some ways that is how I feel because I’m literally forcing myself to have a crush to feel something. And I guess that’s a feeling of normalcy. But I would also like that feeling to reciprocate. Sigh. And it’s so funny because my friends released a very intimate podcast about a disagreement they had within their marriage, and it reminded me how hard marriage and love is.

But I want it. I want romantic love. I have self-love, familial love, platonic love. And yes, they’re not perfect but they do fulfill me. But romantic love is a different type of fulfillment. And I want that love to want me so badly. But it doesn’t want me. At least not right now. And I have to be at peace with that.

I just wish that my brain was.