This is Me: Finding My Voice

In my previous post, I mentioned how I was bored. Well, I spoke too soon because soon a new emotion came in the nighttime: hopelessness. And I think even beyond hopelessness anger at myself. I feel like a waste of space.

I know I’m not, but that’s my feeling right now. I don’t know. It’s Friday night and I’m at home, haven’t spoken to anyone or have any plans. And I was ok with that, but I feel like I’m wasting life.

I just feel like there’s something wrong with me. I mentioned the friend who ghosted me in college. I don’t know if I can’t read humans because that happens more often. Or I think I’m closer friends with someone than we are. Anyways I get ignored, ghosted a lot. And yes, I can blame it on people but if it happens numerous times, it’s a pattern right?

I don’t know, I cried about it a lot. I feel like a failure in a lot of aspects. But I think the scarier emotion is that I feel like a waste of space. I’m wasting my 20s, my youth because I don’t know what I’m doing. And I feel ashamed.

Most times I don’t mind being alone. Until it turns into loneliness. And fear that it will always be like this. that I’m meant to do life alone. I guess that’s why whenever someone mentions dating or marriage with me. I just can’t see it. And to be honest I don’t think others can either. It feels like I’m the exception. And with friends? I’m always there but never chosen, y’know. Like never the one asked on a trip, or to hang randomly. always a guest never a bridesmaid (lol) I’m on the list but never chosen.

I wish I was like those people who knew what they wanted to be since 6 or they had a close-knit friend group that they do trips with. But I’m not.

And if I’m being honest, I think I hate myself for not being like that. I hate myself for being like…this

Here comes the tears.

I don’t want to hate myself. I want to love myself. But that feeling that I’m a waste is just nagging on me.

I don’t know what you’re doing God but I’m here.

Help me to see myself and love myself the way you see me. Because right now I’m filled with shame and sadness and just hatred.