This is Me: Finding My Voice

Today I woke up and my heart was heavy. And I don’t think I got the job. Granted, this could be over worrying, but they were supposed to reach back out on Wednesday. It’s Friday now. Normally when that happens, you didn’t make it and they forgot to send the “We regret to inform you” email.

I’m sad and tired. And I’m just tired. It’s really funny, there was a sermon i watched after having my prayer breakdown (crying and screaming while praying). I’ll tag it below. The song “Even if” by Naomi Raine and Anthony Evans has also been playing.

Lol, as I’m writing the recruiter just reached out telling me they’re at an offsite and haven’t had chance to debrief…welp.

I know God is looking at me like you always worry before it happens and for why? But this morning was beautiful in because I was fasting, I couldn’t go to other distractions and just had to talk to him. Normally what happens is I ignore these feelings or say it is well and then wake up at 5 AM and have a full breakdown (it’s happened at least twice in the past 9 months ahaha)

I think one thing that I’ve realized is I feel undesirable. Relationally and professionally. So, every time I get a no, it’s confirmation that I’m not desired and no one is telling me what’s wrong with me. So then I started to believe my hope was in vain and preparing myself for disappointment. Which is so funny because it would’ve hurt twice. I need to stop doing that.

God, I thank you that you love me even in my flaw state and with all my insecurities. That, you are good to me. Forgive me when I have been impatient and forgetting that your time isn’t my time. Help me to endure whatever comes.