This is Me: Finding My Voice

Hi God,

I know this post is earlier than normal, but I feared it wouldn’t get done if not now.

I woke up with a heavy heart and knew I didn’t get the North Carolina job. I tried to believe but I think you were preparing me.

I wrote the songs today, just so I wouldn’t forget lol. The song was breathe but also surrounded. Twofer.

I don’t know what this means, but accepting that he is God. Yea.

I actually didn’t’ find out until after my interview for another job which I didn’t do great. And it was so funny, because I was ok with not doing great because I knew that the job for me was in North Carolina. Immediately after I log off, I see the email. And then these 2 songs came on

A very CCM mood.

It was funny, I was sad for 10 minutes and now the primary emotion is tired.

My faith isn’t that God won’t do it. It’s why this path. Why the long road? I’m trying to figure out what else I can do. And it’s so perfect that I’m on the fast because I just wanted to eat chocolate and popeyes and cry. But I sat with it. Talked with God. I wasn’t angry or crying reckless like I’ve done in the past. Still confused because I thought North Carolina was the place but hey! And I think a fear of mine is that I didn’t hear you at all. So now I’m doubting the voice in my head. Because it just led me to a lie. Or maybe a not yet.

I don’t know, you aren’t telling me explicitly what to do. I was annoyed about having nothing to rely on concerning my future 9 months ago and I’m still annoyed. Because I’m ready, I just want to know what. Or even what good is it to constantly have to not work. Just sit in unemployment and rejection. How much more breaking down do I need for it to be satisfactory for my loving father

…I guess I am a little angry lol. welp. But more just hurt. And embarrassed. I told so many people this was the job. And now it’s not. And now I have to see pity and hear the questions in their heads. “what is wrong with her”. lol. What is wrong with me?

I did eat leftovers. I wasn’t going to eat at all but that would be reckless to go 24 hours without food. My body is still a temple even if I feel like a loser. I also don’t think I’ll go to the gym today. Or maybe I will I don’t know.

Today, I’m just going to be sad. Tomorrow I’ll clean my room and bathroom (what I was supposed to do) and Wednesday I’ll go back on the job hunt.

It’ll be 10 months on Sunday. And I know I’m not a failure but I sure as hell feel like it. I am not doubting your plan I’m just tired. Tired of that slight disappointment when I don’t get the job as well as reaffirmation in the lie that I’m a failure.

I feel like the past 2 months I’ve really seen the value of a partner because friends are great, but I’ve never felt so alone. But waiting on that too ahaha.

I’m going back to sleep or snooze or I don’t know. The tears are forming again.

I trust you God. This is just tiring.

Tisa