This is Me: Finding My Voice

Hi God.

It’s been a day. Couldn’t sleep until 430 and woke up at 1030. Then went back to sleep until 1. It’s not like I’m doing anything right?

These feelings will pass but right now I’m very much over it. When I woke up this song was in my head (thanks Holy Spirit).

I want to believe it and in my head I know this. I’m just angry. I read Psalm 28 and fell asleep to a sermon on it. I don’t know it’s just been a day.

I did do laundry today! And showed and brushed my teeth! And the song was “For my good”. I need to remind myself that God hasn’t forsaken me. Even though it really looks like it.

I also wrote a prayer out loud. And that was really helpful. Just writing it and remembering that he (God & Jesus) understands, especially because Jesus went through the same emotions I did.

And then my cousin, whom I love with all my heart (she lost her job in September and didn’t start looking until December) called me and told me that she found a new one. And now that she can afford it (she’s in London) her and her sister are coming to the States in April.

I am extremely happy and ecstatic for her. That being said, after the call I broke down and cried. And it wasn’t a cry it was a laugh cry. Because it just feels like I’m not enough for anyone.

And I think this situation showed that I still have some envy and bitterness. Some backstory, me and this cousin are the same age and growing up I was always compared to her. And it feels like I lost again in not being enough. She looked for a month…a month! It’s been month 10 for me and I’m back to square 1. Again. So now I have to believe that God’s favor is still on me. That I’m not forgotten just because someone I know got the same blessing that I’ve been praying for. And that’s really hard. Because I feel like a failure. And that I’m being overlooked.

I’m ignoring everyone’s texts. And I feel bad. But I just don’t have the energy to communicate. I know people are going to want to be helpful but right now I don’t want to hear it gets better or keep on waiting.

I am waiting. I’m just tired right now but I’ll be back soon. I’m just over it. And I feel like Christians sometimes don’t give space to allow others to grieve freely. Sometimes it feels like we think grieving is the opposite of God or we think grieving means we don’t trust and believe.

I’m really tired so I’m going to sleep.