This is Me: Finding My Voice

Hey!

Lol, I thought I’d be gone for awhile. Turns out I have gotten used to writing my feelings out so here goes. There’s no concrete structure, just ramblings.

Today at church, something that stood out to me was making my body a house of worship, a place of Bethel and where God lives. Worship did spontaneous and sang this song.

But, during worship I really started to think about what I need to do to make my body a place where God lives. And there’s 2 big things (I’m sure there’s more)

1. Comparison/jealousy/envy
2. Surrendering to his will concerning the job.

Yeah, so concerning the first bullet point. I realize that I compare a lot. But it’s also generational. A lot of Nigerian culture is being compared to people who look more successful, whether that be in school, relationships, or makeup. And it’s accepted within society, but no one discusses how miserable and unsatisfied you get. And if God calls us to be satisfied, how can those 2 things reside? But it feels generational because my mom did it to me. A lot. Like, growing up, I was compared to my cousins who live in different countries. Friends who went to the same church. Nothing I did was enough. And fast-forward to now, and I’m doing it to myself. Not only by comparing myself to others who get accolades, but also by feeling like my life is a waste because I’m not reaching those achievements. An example that came today. I’m on the prayer team, and I guess I always felt more chosen because I can pray or do altar calls. During pre-service prayer, a good friend of mine prayed. And it was powerful. And then she spoke for generosity. And that was powerful. And instead of being grateful to see how God was moving through her, I was jealous that it wasn’t me. And insecure. I felt like my spotlight had faded. That I wasn’t special anymore. And my heart was bitter if I’m being honest. Why her? And why not me? And I’m grateful that I caught it, but what happens if that feeling comes back? Or I start throwing shade? Or it builds up to resentment? I already feel like I ruin relationships, I don’t want to let my own insecurities be the catalyst for the ruins of others.

And it also doesn’t make me like myself. Right now, I resent myself. And erring on to hate if I’m being honest. For every decision I’ve made, it feels like the wrong one. My personality feels like one big character flaw. The intimacy I desire in relationships isn’t there and I see other relationships and just assume they have something that I don’t have. I also wonder if I have autism but that’s a different post. I also need a therapist desperately.

Now unto surrendering. No exaggeration, I’ve applied to over 600 jobs and gotten probably 30 interviews. I’ve only made it to the 3rd/4th round maybe 5 times. And I’ve started applying for barista/waitressing jobs yesterday, along with subbing. And I’m wondering if I have to accept a job that’s paying significantly less. I don’t know, but I think I have to say yes. But I feel like that’ll bring resentment and anger. Anger that others get these big promotions and higher paychecks, and I have less. But again, that’s a me thing. I had a good convo with a friend who was waiting on a job after graduation. She did retail while waiting and said that it really developed her. And maybe that’s what this is. Sigh I don’t know.

I’ve also gotten lazy again. It’s been 24 hours since the fast ended and I’m falling back to old routines. Fast.

I’m sorry, God. For wasting this body. Help me to honor you with it.