This is Me: Finding My Voice

Right now I feel empty. I’m in church right now and I feel deeply lost. I feel like I’m losing a battle even though God has already won the battle: I’m deep in comparison battle. I feel like I’m losing a battle. I’m slowly falling into self hatred. I just don’t know why anyone would like me. I feel so ugly, so unworthy. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m wasting my time and life. Maybe because it was it was Valentine’s Day and it emphasized the love. But I don’t love myself. And this has been a decade+ long battle. And Everytime I feel like it gets better, it gets worse. I don’t know I’m so tired. God be my strength.

I watched heated rivalry last night. And I crave intimacy. And I don’t know. I have friends but it feels like they don’t know me or have time to know me. And then I think of shows and people and see that and I’m a little jealous…a lot jealous.

I keep on singing if I feel your heart but never feel your hand, I still have all. But I don’t believe that. I keep on singing that Jesus is my everything, and yet I crave more. I’m unsatisfied with life. And I blame God a little bit (I know that’s bad), but mainly me because if I’m honest, a lot of my problems are me problems. The part I blame God is the personality an characteristics.

But I started going to the gym more often. And I was really proud of myself! But now I’m eating sugar and processed foods. Now I don’t have energy to cook so I’m ordering out. And that’s me. That’s laziness. But idk I’m giving up a lot.

Be my everything Jesus. Because I’m not losing hope in you. I’m losing hope in me.

Open my eyes to see that you have given me all that I needed. That you have answered my desires. Even if I can’t see it, you’re moving. Even if I don’t feel it, you’re working.