This is Me: Finding My Voice

Ok so.

I have a problem.

As you may know, I’m pretty involved in my church. And I also serve in some ministries.

The problem is I’m getting irritated with people. Meaning that I don’t want to be around them. And I’m currently trying to discern if it’s a them issue or me.

This has happened in the past. And when it’s with non-Christians, it’s because they were moving too close in personal space. This isn’t that.

I get irritated. I feel like they’re being disingenuous or Jesus is their entire personality. As I was writing this, God (Holy Spirit?) put this scripture on my heart. I’m trying to be better at discerning God’s voice v. my own.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
– 1 Samuel 16:7 ESV

So what does this mean for me? I don’t know, but let’s break it down together. Appearance/height means that Samuel had seen this formula work. Ie, he saw leaders that were handsome/strong and equated that with success. God is saying that it’s always been heart posture because that is humility and dependence on God.

I wonder, in my situation, if because I have seen people who were “on fire” in public but in private weren’t or the opposite, that it’s rubbing me the wrong way. Or even if it comes off as performative, when it’s not. Or maybe it is performative.

I don’t know. But what I know is that my behavior isn’t loving.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love
– 1 Corinthians 13:8-13

But I also wonder if I’m conflating love with friendship. I think I’m realize that I’m friendly/act lovingly towards friends and people that I can see friendship with.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
– John 13:34

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
– Colossians 3:13

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
– Romans 12:10

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
– 1 Peter 4:8

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
– 1 John 4:7

Lol so the bible also doesn’t agree with my behavior, which means that God also doesn’t like it. And I think I knew that because I’ve been feeling conviction. But basically I need to honor these 2 people above my feelings for myself. And I think normally I “honored” by not being around them. I can’t do that lol. I see them weekly.

So now I think the question is how do I love them when my flesh so badly doesn’t want to.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
– 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Lol I guess the big thing is that this is a weakness. My tendency to be stubborn. And sidenote I know some people don’t like to say “oh I sstruggle with this or am this”. I personally do just so I know what I’m going through. I try not to take ownership but…yea.

Anyways, a weakness of mine is that at times I am stubborn and easily irritated. So what do I do. I have to lean on God’s grace because it is sufficient.

So here’s a prayer

Dear heavenly father,

A lot is going on in the world. A lot of chaos. Of uncertainty. But through it all. A constant is that you are God. And you are good. And you are faithful. Right now I feel a multitude of emotions. Frustration that a lot of my friends I don’t see often, and the people I do see I don’t consider them friends. But my life is in your hands. I repent of the way I’ve been treating your children. Even if it’s neutral/slightly abrasive, it is not love. And I know better. True repentance is changed behavior so I’m leaning on you to change my behavior. To remind me that I don’t know their intentions unless you reveal it to me. Help me not to lean on my flesh but on the spirit. And even if I don’t trust, help me to still act in ways of love. This is a weakness of mine, but in my weakness, you are strong.
I love you. Thank you for loving me.
In Jesus’ Name.

Amen