This is Me: Finding My Voice

Hello!

So, during Holy Week, I’m going to try and blog about something that happened/reflected that day up until Resurrection Sunday (Easter).

Today was Palm Sunday. I woke up ehh. It’s also interesting because growing up we didn’t really celebrate Palm Sunday so I think I’m still trying to see the significance of it.

But I think something else that’s happening is I’m a little angry/mad at God. Or just overwhelmed with church. I don’t know, I think I’ve been seeking the glory of being on the church platform more than seeking God. And this month will be good for me because I’m not praying on the altar until the 26th of April. But I don’t know, I sometimes wonder if I’m going to the altar to “perform” instead of a relationship. Even in my down times, I catch myself daydreaming about prayer points to speak. There’s a sense of belonging there, but also a sense of power.

Church was good, but long. With baptisms, strong worship, and a long word it was beautiful. And baptism Sunday always gets me. It’s so beautiful seeing people declare publicly that Jesus is Lord and Savior.

The last song of worship really got me. Like my mind was desheveled after. Because I don’t know if that’s true for me right now.

The lyrics is:

Lord here is my life
I lay it all down
I’d rather have Jesus

All of the treasures
Could never measure
Just give me Jesus

And it was really hard for me to sing that. Because the truth of the matter is, all I have right now is Jesus, and that doesn’t feel like enough. During Palm Sunday, I was reminded that Jesus entered Jerusalem as a humble King. a selfless king. And that’s been my keyword of the week. That love is selfless and serving. And even writing this, I’m reminded of how selfish I’m being by not giving it to Jesus. I’m thinking of the money and power I could have/am not receiving, because he won’t give it to me, instead of thinking of what he’s already given me. I’m so focused on my situation that I can’t look up to marvel at God. Because the storm is heavyy and I’m going through it. But I don’t want temptation to take me away from Jesus. Or that Jesus stops being the center.

After, I hung out with a friend. And that was really good and also revealing. I think sometimes when you’re a Christian, it’s hard to distinguish gossip from conversation. And she made me see that:
a) Our church has a system (or lack of system) problem. And I think that is causing friction because no system means no one knows how to shepherd
b) When God puts something on my mind, I must pray and seek His will on whether he wants me to speak on it. I must also remember that I’m here for such a time as this. Sigh, it’s just, sometimes I don’t know if it’s my flesh or the Holy Spirit or whether I’m supposed to pray or speak. I guess this is discernment and prayer.

After, my friend had a dinner situation. It was the 8-year anniversary of her grandma’s passing, and she wanted to honor her with a Sunday dinner and circle. It made me reflect on the selfless love and how in a lot of relationships I’ve been selfish in my thinking and wants for that. And also letting people in. But I also want to honor my aunt and let them in. And the food was BUSSSIN.

I’m now going to watch the season finale of Paradise. But I do pray that I seek God, while still praying and seeking systems and changes in my church. I also pray that I get the fruit of kindness and selflessness (in a nonpainful way)