This is Me: Finding My Voice

Judas to Betray Jesus

14 Then one of the twelve, whose name was Judas Iscariot, went to the chief priests 15and said, “What will you give me if I deliver him over to you?” And they paid him thirty pieces of silver. 16And from that moment he sought an opportunity to betray him.

So today was an interesting day. When I sat with these verses, the first thing that came to mind was how much is 30 pieces of silver. There are differing amounts, but the range is $90-$450. Not a lot.

And then I read a post talking about how, on Wednesday, it looks like nothing was happening from Jesus’ perspective, but Judas betrayed him. And it was used to bring motivation, that when you don’t know what’s going on, things are working behind the scenes. And that’s great. I believe that. But a word that’s been in my heart is suddenly. How sudden this all happened. On Palm Sunday, he was being praised and welcomed with the people singing Hosanna, and by Wednesday, the betrayal was set. So much can change with just a word.

Today especially, with the state of the world, God has really been convicting me of seeing Judas in me. How many times do I betray Jesus with my sin. Do I sell him out for little? And I try to justify it by looking at someone else’s sin and proclaiming that theirs is worse but that doesn’t matter. Because my sin put him on that cross. My sin made him endure 39 lashes and die a sinner’s death.

A really strong one that He’s convicting me of is derived from purity culture. It’s really sad, but every time I see a couple, my first thought is: did they wait until marriage? And that’s not good. That’s not Christian. I saw a couple of marriages where the husband died a couple of months later. But I saw that they had kids before marriage and immediately thought that they had sinned. But that’s not what Jesus did. And that’s the sin of judgment. And I think it’s wrapped up in my own shame and thoughts around sex and relationships that I’m still unpacking and unlearning.

But in these moments, I also have to remember that Jesus died for Judas too. I saw a TikTok that said (paraphrasing from @alislyfeee)

“Judas was full of waiting, of expectation. Of prayers that felt ignored. He didn’t become “evil” overnight. He became tired. tired of believing that God would move one way and seeing him move another. Silence didn’t make him numb. It made him hard…and that’s the tragedy. not that he sinned, but that he believed his sin was louder than mercy…He had a heart that lost hope and didn’t know how to find its way back to grace”

And I act like a Judas daily by betraying Jesus. Especially in this season. Today is officially 365 days (formerly known as a year) of being laid off. And I don’t want my disappointment and waiting to make my heart harder and turn me away from God. And believing that God doesn’t care in the waiting. Knowingly and unknowingly.

I’ve also been seeing how Judas had different expectations of Jesus than what he actually was. And when Jesus didn’t show up like that, he got angry and disappointed. And I don’t want that to happen with me. That my own expectations (similar to Judas’s, actually, of him casting away all people in authority and starting new) don’t dilute Jesus. That Jesus loved the tax collector and the prostitute. And he saw everyone in between.

Thank you Jesus. That you’re not like man. That you’re the standard of righteousness. Of good. Help me, Lord to not betray you with my words, thoughts, and mind. Even in this waiting, when my heart feels heavy and I don’t understand. Remind me that you are still worthy of it all. Let me not see Judas as a villain, but as a human who let his own desires and anger betray you, something that I do. Let me never forget that you love me more than I ever could. You died for me. You resurrected for me. Thank you for Holy Wednesday. For sitting with how my sin made you die a sinner’s death. Thank you for loving me enough to do it.
– In Jesus’ Name