This is Me: Finding My Voice

A blog to openly put all my feelings while I'm discovering and loving myself.

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  • Distracted (1/22/26)

    Hi God,

    Today was a weird day. As in, although I was fasting I was fully distracted all day. First, I went to bed extremely late (4 AM) and woke up at 12. And then I’ve just been distracted. I haven’t heard back from the job and my devotion ended so I’ve just been…bleh. I played Sims a lot today. I don’t know it was weird. And I found a new card game (no gambling lol) that’s also taken a lot of my time. I think I also use distractions to stop worrying. And I think to think about the fact that I don’t know what I am doing.

    God told me to read Psalms all year. I was supposed to read Psalm 27. I didn’t read it until 6pm.

    I think when I worry, I try to distract myself instead of sitting with why I am worried. Right now, I think this job in North Carolina is the job God has called me. But what if it’s not? I would then be starting from square 1. And what if it is? TGhen I would be starting over.

    Right now, what’s really scary is that I don’t know. And I’m tired of waiting. And I’m especially worried because I’ve told. And what if it isn’t? But what if it is?

    I’m worried because I don’t know. And for me, trust comes with knowledge. Which is why certain aspects of faith (knowing God will show up) is easy versus the other parts (when or how it’ll look).

    And I don’t know what I’m supposed to pray because all I really want is for this season to be over. And I’m so scared of being hurt or disappointed again. Because this isn’t the first time, I’ve had hope that the job was it. Or that I don’t need to search anymore and then when I get the rejection email I have to pick myself up and start over. It takes strength to continue to start over, but I am tired. I want this to be over.

    And if I’m being honest, I think my time and season in New York is coming to an end. But, I’ve told God. I won’t move until he tells me to. I just want him to tell me.

    I’ll end with a prayer. Because I think I need that right now

    ” Father Lord. Thank you. You are a good God and a good father. I thank you Lord that even in an unproductive day you are still speaking and seeking me. You still crave intimacy with me. Right now, I don’t know the future. But you do. And I’m trying to prepare my heart for pain, but I really just want to trust in you and not worry and not focus on pain. Trust that this path is the right path. Help me to rest in you. To find comfort in you during the unknown. During the “Why” days. Or the “how much longer” days. I pray and ask that this North Carolina job is mine, only if it’s in your will (but I think it is). But if it’s not, give me the strength to pick myself up and say it is well and start over. I am afraid of how much longer this will take. But when I am afraid, I put my trust in you. So help me to trust you wholeheartedly. Even in my fears and doubts to trust you. I feel like my faith is a mustard seed. I think yes but then immediately “what if no”. I give it all to you. And the next couple of days, show me and remind me how good you are and how good it can get. And when this season ends, let me not keep the journey to myself, but let me share so that others can be inspired and see that the God I serve is real. I love you. Thank you for loving me first.”
    in Jesus’ name.

    Amen.

  • Bleh (1/21/26)

    Dear God,

    Hi lol.

    Today was a lazy day. I caught up on all of my sleep (almost 8 hours woohoo!)

    I also woke up a little ill today. And it’s probably because it’s so cold. And I did absolutely nothing except apply to jobs and sleep. I was really tired.

    So, remember that yes thing. I thought it was about a job I had already applied for but what if it’s not? What if it’s a new one? Sigh, I don’t know.

    I don’t like not knowing. But I feel like I do but what if it’s not?

    I also watched a sermon on Psalm 26

    I did go to the gym! And I did write a blog about the servant’s heart.

    But otherwise, nothing has changed.

    I also had a song, but I forgot (grr)

    See you tomorrow!

    Tisa Ibori

  • A Servant’s Heart

    What am I doing it for?

    A question that I’ve been sitting with today. God gave me a warning last night through someone else’s dream about how I was causing fractures instead of unity in the church. And this morning I think he revealed it’s because I’m not going after it with a servant heart posture.

    And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
    – Mark 10:42-45     ESV

    Jesus gathered them all together and said to them, “Those recognized as rulers of the people and those who are in top leadership positions rule oppressively over their subjects, but this is not the example you are to follow. You are to lead by a different model. If you want to be the greatest, then live as one called to serve others. The path to promotion comes by having the heart of a bond-slave who serves everyone. For even the Son of Man did not come expecting to be served by everyone, but to serve everyone, and to give his life as the ransom price for the salvation of many.”
    – Mark 10:42-45 TPT

    Correction

    This past 2 weeks have been great for growing with God. But part of growing is also pruning and correction. I have a tendency to take correction as judgment. Similar to Cain, I have a tendency to take correction as rebuke/hatred. I don’t see correction as love. And I’m praying that God changes my heart so that I don’t get offended when people correct me. And maybe it’s my growing up and constantly getting criticized and thinking that I can’t do anything right and getting hypercriticized, so I now think that any correction/discipline is them picking on me.

    But what does it mean, when the one who created me, who knows me from the inside out and still loves and desires me, corrects me out of love? And I don’t take it as love but as criticism?

    And how does this connect to being a good servant? Well, one I have to be open to feedback and correction. About me. And I think I’ve spent so much time protecting myself because I feel like I’m the only one who has always protected me or looked out for me. But I think there’s also fear. fear that I’m not loved with correction. In the book “The Faithful Ones: Lessons for the Prodigal’s Older Brother”, author Shade Sabitu writes that Cain was,

    “Confronted with God’s determination of what was holy and acceptable and what was not, and his mind was immediately tormented with doubts about who he was and where he stood with God. To him, there was no way God could have enough love for both him and his brother. He could not stand the assumption that God saw something worthy in Abel that He didn’t see in him”

    Similar to Cain, I tend to believe that when God corrects me, he is saying he doesn’t love me. But, I think, if I’m being honest, I take correction as people saying that I’m not worthy. But those are lies of the enemy.

    “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.”
    – Proverbs 19:20     ESV

    A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.
    – Proverbs 17:10     ESV

    Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you.
    – Proverbs 9:8     ESV

    The question is why bring this up when discussing servant’s heart? Because a core aspect of being a servant is humility.

    In the different version of Mark 10:42-45, the word servant, bondslave, and slave are seen as interchangeable. Although there are differences in terms of pay expectations and choice of freedom, the consensus that both versions agree on is that the person is bound to a master.

    So, if the master says you aren’t doing something well, shouldn’t I trust that the master knows best and fix what I was doing to reflect the desire of the master? Similarly, if I am to have a servant’s heart, should I not have the same attitude when people who I trust (whether it’s a teacher, friends, or family) correct me? And not just accept the correction but love them and have a glad heart when they do it.

    Proverbs 12:1 ESV states that Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.” And right now, I don’t love it because I take it too personally. I want to learn from Cain and not let doubt or hypersensitivity turn into envy/a hardened heart.

    Humility

    I have valued knowledge and knowing things my entire life. But I think that even though I try not to, I do think that I am better than people because of what I know. Just being honest. It’s not good. It’s quite wrong because it’s also not true. And I am very grateful to God that God showed me my pride and I have asked to have a servant’s heart.

    The danger is the church. I grew up in the church and although I feel like I try not to emulate the church hurt that was put on me (it wasn’t gentle correction and it wasn’t biblical but it was using God to justify it), I am doing that. And that’s really hard. I said this in a previous post, but I am acting like a Pharisee especially in thinking that my way is the only way.

    I was reading Psalm 25 and verse 4 says Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. And I thought that was just about my life and my choices. And it is. But it’s about everything in life. And I think the humbling (and hard) part for me is also realizing that my way isn’t the only way. God has numerous ways and paths to do things or to achieve his goals. Truthfully, I think the only thing that has one path is how to receive salvation (through Jesus) which he states in John 14:6.

    But then who am I? To try and force God into one way or style. And he gives clear commandments. And more importantly, God created us to be wonderfully and fearfully made as the versions of us he created us to be. Which means others will interpret things differently than I will or do things differently than me. And that doesn’t mean that its wrong or ungodly, it’s just a different path.

    And I think part 0of that humility is not thinking I’m the only one who God can use and call. I wrote about the walking around the church like Jericho. And if I’m being honest, I think that I’ve kind of had an inflated ego. I’m realizing that my problem isn’t necessarily obedience (even though I tend to struggle at times with that), it’s not having an inflated ego that God used me. And I think that comes from childhood years of feeling unseen and abandoned and feeling unspecial. And I don’t know how to navigate this. The honor of being called and chosen and the enjoyment that our relationship is more intimate while also still being humble to know the King of kings chose me with an assignment. Sigh this is hard. Because I don’t want to neglect and ignore the growth, but I also don’t want to be inflated about the growth and my role.

    I saw someone say this (It was actually Percy Jackson: The Last Olympian) and I think it rings true: You are not the hero. And I think part of my desire to be seen also is a desire to be the main character. To be the hero. But I’m not. Jesus is. He’s the one who saved all of humanity, the one who saved me. And I am honored and also confused on why he chose me. And right now, it’s not the yes that’s the issue, I guess it’s the heart posture.

    So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 

    5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,[b] 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,[c] being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
    – Philippians 2:1-8

    So, to be a servant is considering others more significantly. And maybe this is selfish, but how do I consider others more while also simultaneously loving myself and seeing myself the way Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit see me? Because it feels like I go on extremes. I’m either extremely self-deprecating or I think I’m so above everything. Sigh, I just want to honor God but sometimes it feels like I’m consistently messing up. But maybe that’s the problem. I’m centering myself and my “progress” instead of centering God and what he wants.

    Conclusion

    Ok. To be a servant is a lot. And I only touched on two themes: Humility and Correction. But there’s more. And what is true is that I have a lot to work on, but also that there’s joy in this. Joy in the progress. And the beautiful thing is that I’m not doing it by myself. And I think what God wants is my honest and authentic self. I see things that I have to be mindful of for unity. In Ephesians 4, Paul writes

    I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift.

    We are a body of Christ and when there is discomfort or Jesus is the center. And for the body of Christ to work, we all must have a servant’s posture. And that also means looking inward to what God is trying to tell all of us about things he’s correcting for his glory.

    So, to answer the question that I wrote up in the beginning of this article, what am I doing it for? It has to be for God. But also, to fulfill the Great Commission and to keep unity. But also, realistically. If Jesus the King of Kings, prince of peace, mighty God, Everlasting Father, and so many more names (S/o Isaiah 9:6) humbled himself daily and was seen as the servant’s servant, how much more I? And you? And if Jesus, the son of God, washed the feet of his disciples, including the one who would betray him and the who would deny him, how much more me to those who annoy me or hurt me?

    God help us. And he will. If we ask.

    Would love to hear others thoughts on this topic! Iron sharpens iron and I love different perspectives 🙂

  • Many Voices (1/20/26)

    Hi God,

    Today’s song was the voice of God. Whew, thank you Lord that I have the privilege of hearing your voice anywhere. That I don’t have to always go to an altar to feel your presence.

    Because you do. You live in me through the Holy Spirit.

    Today was odd. Not in a bad way, just neutral. I had a substitute teaching opportunity this morning and my plan was to do my fast from 7am to 6pm and eat beforehand. Well, jokes on me because I woke up late and barely had any time to get ready before catching my train. So I guess I honored the 6-6 (actually more like a 6-7 but will get there later). And then guess what? The train was delayed…for 30 minutes. I had to take another train and uber to get there on time.

    While I was there, I wasn’t even subbing. I was just proctoring which meant signing kids in when they went to the bathroom and watching them take their standardized test. Without a phone. For 9 hours. It was excruciatingly boring.

    But the good thing is, I got closer to you. I read a great book about the prodigal son’s brother (The Faithful Ones: Lessons for the Prodigal’s Older Brother, you should check it out). The book reminded me about how God’s favor and grace is an infinite well and how I should not be jealous when other people receive things I desire because God loves me and God has favored me everyday even if I don’t consider those favor (example Cain got to live a long life, something Abel never did). It also encouraged me to be my brother’s keeper as Jesus is the ultimate keeper.

    So yea. Ended working at 5. I was trying to get something to eat for 6 before prayer meeting. The buses were being slow so I ended up getting to the restaurant at 645 and ate at 7.

    Prayer team was good. It was interesting- the song being Voice of God because I heard it through other people’s dream, tv shows, and your word. But it was still loud.

    After that I had a really good chat with a friend and actually ended really late (hence why the late post)

    Something I noticed is that there was a radio today of your songs speaking to me in my head. And although I wasn’t in the bible explicitly, you were still speaking through books and others. I’m glad you don’t have one medium that we’re limited to hearing your voice.

    Thanks God!

    I don’t have much else to say. I’m going to sleep.

    Gn!

    Tisa Ibori

  • Yes (1/19/26)

    Hi God,

    Happy MLK Jr Day! I pray his dream someday becomes our reality, but we will continue to work for your kingdom.

    Sooo, these were the songs today. Feels like you had a point about obedience and yes. Hmm.

    It’s so interesting because I feel like you’re trying to prepare me before I have to say the yes or it has come. I think this is about the job.

    There’s 2 jobs I’m interviewing for. One in North Carolina and one in Virginia. They would both require me to move out. And it’s so funny, I was like praying with worry about how I would deal with my rent and all these things….I haven’t even heard back yet. I also haven’t interviewed with one of them. But it feels like this is the job.

    But I’ve also had these feelings with other jobs and they weren’t it so who knows lol. Maybe this is my Abraham and Isaac moment that God just wants to see my heart and that I’m willing to obey and he’ll open a door in New York. Maybe this is the closing of a door in New York. I don’t know.

    What I do know is that even in my worry and fear I’ll say yes. Because I trust him. It’s also weird, because if I don’t get one of these jobs I feel like I’ll be sad because jobless longer, so this is all very…

    I will not act with the spirit of fear, but I will press forward despite my emotions. So, if you say move, I will move and go somewhere new. It’s also funny because when I was very young, I used to live in North Carolina. And I was so sad, but I always believed I’ll be back in North Carolina. I thought I’d go there for undergraduate, and when that didn’t happen, I thought maybe grad school. But what if it’s now? And what if it’s more permanent than I believe. And that scares me.

    Because I’m comfortable. I got my people. I feel more spiritually involved in my church. But maybe it’s time. And maybe it’s not who knows?

    All I know is that God is good. In the waiting he is good. When my bank account is gone, he is good. It’s been over 9 months of no job, but he is good.

    Also, God was talking to me about me acting like a Pharisee. I’ve been watching The Chosen (it’s sooo good after episode 4) and one thing that’s been really hitting is the way the Pharisees acted. Especially in thinking that God has to fit in these boxes that us humans have put him. One aspect was them thinking Jesus couldn’t be the Messiah because he was in human form and in Exodus 33:20 ESV he says

    But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live.”

    Basically, by upholding the laws, they were putting God in a box. And it made me think? Am I letting God be God or am I putting God in a box of what’s acceptable and holy. And am I judging the person where God can only do that because he sees heart.

    It was convicting, to say the least.

    Now, I need to sleep because I have a substitute job tomorrow.

    But, it’s week 2 and I feel the discipline going. So I’ll need your help Holy Spirit.

    Love,

    Tisa Ibori

  • Not in that way (1/18/26)

    Dear God,

    Today I thank you. I forgot the song this morning (I do need to write it down, especially on busy days like today.)

    Couple of things before I even went to church.

    I can’t stop thinking about my friend. I don’t know why but she always gets me flustered after we speak. The worst part? We weren’t even speaking. I called her sister to wish her happy birthday, and she was there and she said hi to me. I’m legit smiling thinking about it right now. And I feel like she knows that I have a crush on her and she’s just playing with me. But I haven’t seen her face in 2 years and I become a flustered teenager in 3 seconds. But, couple of reasons why this isn’t good

    1. Same sex attraction. I’m not denying my feelings, but I’m also not pretending they’re not a sin
    2. I don’t know her! The only thing I know is that she makes me flustered and her eyes hold me in a trance
    3. She doesn’t like me in that way. Anytime we text and I ask her a question, she leaves me on read…often.
    4. She’s older than me. And doesn’t see me as any more than her little sister’s friend. Sigh
    5. Family friend. I’ve known her all my life. And yea. It’s not a happy go story

    Problem is, my brain can’t compute this. I woke up thinking about that 3 second interaction. And then I spent 40 minutes hyperventilating about why that got me giddy.

    All before 10 AM.

    I know I don’t like her. I don’t know anything about her to like. I don’t’ like the flusterdness and obsessiveness I have with her. I’m lusting of an idea of her and it’s not fair to her but it’s also a version of her that doesn’t exist.

    Anyways, I get to church. Worship was powerful. I’ve been concerned about the church, especially with what’s going on in the inside (people, laziness in correcting sin) but I had to remember that it’s God’s church. The sermon was really good too! We’re going through the sermon on the mount and this week’s topic was prayer. It was a good reminder that prayer is about making space for God to do what he wants and being in solidarity with God. It was also a good reminder to make sure I’m not thinking of myself like the Pharisees and being humble.

    Surprise surprise! I got invited to a dance class and when I tell you that worked me out! Hit my move circle on my watch and everything. But it was also a good reminder to take advantage of the opportunities in New York. But I am soreeeeee. And also shout out to you God because I really did pray that I wouldn’t faint because I’m not eating and you answered that prayer.

    Unfortunately, some hard conversations. A friend that I considered one of my closest friends let me know that she doesn’t see us as that close. It was a hard conversation that I initiated but necessary. I guess I’m just spiraling because (and this is going to sound corny) it feels that once people get close to me, they find someone better and stop being friends with me. It’s like I’m a placeholder until they find a better friend. People that I consider close don’t consider me the same. And that hurts. And I know there’s a myriad of reasons, but it doesn’t take away from the pain.

    I think what’s especially painful is I’m willing to do the work. To have calls and hang out and travel. They’re just not. And I’ll admit sometimes I’m a little jealous. I’m jealous of people who have close friend groups after high school or college. I know I’m supposed to be satisfied but I’m just tired of feeling disappointed in myself and that I’m a letdown.

    It also makes me desire a relationship. I don’t want to idolize it, but it would be nice to have a person. Someone who’s committed to me and that values me everyday.

    My emotions seem to be on a rollercoaster. So happy one day, so sad the next. Stability is the goal lol.

    Sigh, I’m extremely tired so hopefully I can sleep before 12.

    Love,

    Tisa Ibori

  • Peace (1/17/26)

    Dear God,

    Whew it’s been a Saturday.

    After I wrote my blog, that night was hell. I was sad. And crying. And feeling worthless.

    I even wrote a blog post about it (About Last Night)

    You really work God. Shortly after that, one of my friends called and we talked. About a lot of things (not my feelings). But I felt seen and loved. It even resulted in another blog post (One Body)

    Another friend texted me asking how I was. And that was my day.

    I really didn’t do anything today except rest. And I feel rejuvenated. One frustrating thing was that I have a flare up in my armpit. It’s calm right now but it may be painful tomorrow. It’s funny because a couple of months ago I told God that I’m healed from this. And it’s been less painful. Unfortunately, I don’t know what triggers the flare up. All I can do is pray that it breaks fast and I can be in less pain soon.

    Thank you for answering my prayer. Even if it’s temporary I feel good and at peace.

    I am loved, I am desired, I am not a failure. I am worthy.

    Love,

    Tisa Ibori

  • One Body

    ‘And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” ‘
    Matthew 16:18-19 ESV

    The Church.

    One of God’s most underrated miracles. A place for people of all forms of life to dwell together and be in community with. A place where people grow together and help each other to be the versions of ourselves that God aspires us to be, while worshipping and honoring God and him dwelling in the sanctuary. A please that we can mourn out loud, celebrate out loud, and be our authentic versions.

    Sounds too good to be true. At times it feels like it.

    I grew up in church. I have felt pain and hurt because of the people in church. I wanted to emphasize that it was the people and not God. Because God didn’t hurt me. The people did. And that hurt has unknowingly glazed my eyes with what behavior is acceptable in church. And God, in his love, has been patiently showing and revealing and teaching me things in the church and my life that I’ve been neglecting because of my hurt. And I guess I want to take some place to gather my thoughts and really breakdown what’s going on currently in my church and the big Church.

    Phrases such as “God is Love” and “Only God can judge me” as well as “Love the sinner hate the sin” have made very toxic

    And I’m not saying this as a way to judge (and please let me know if it’s sounding Pharisees/Sadducees like). We are all flawed, whether we are saved or not. I think I’m just trying to bring up conversations about things that we may be sweeping under the rug that we shouldn’t be so we can glorify God.

    1. Purpose of Church

    ‘And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles.

    And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need.

    And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people.

    And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.’
    Acts 2:42-47 ESV

    2. One Body: Are We?

    I love my church. I think it’s a great place and I’ve grown since I came in 2022. But recently, I’ve started to listen to the Spirit. I’m also thinking out loud so excuse the lack of structure

    Types of Christians (Not All Obviously)

    1. The Lazy Christian
      • I think a big danger in Christianity is being complacent. But a bigger danger is being satisfied in our relationship with God and not listening to the Holy Spirit with our convictions.
      • It’s not just laziness. I feel like some Christians are cosplaying baby Christians to avoid growing. Like they know what to do but they’re using “I’m new to the faith” as an excuse to not grow or press in with God. Meanwhile, there are Christians who got saved later and are more intimate with God.
      • It feels as if sometimes we don’t want to grow deeper with God because it means that we’d have to give up our sins or it’ll take more work.
      • The danger with this is that the behavior can encourage others (especially new Christians) to also stay stagnant.
      • I’m also pondering the role of the church in this. Yes, the pastor can preach about not doing sin but what does that look like on the daily? And what about if all of the congregation is complacent in being lazy. Acts 2 said that the people were the ones devoting themselves to the apostles’ teachings. The people were the one who was breaking bread and praying together. Not the apostles.
      • I guess my question is what do we do when the congregation is full of “Lazy Christians”. Maybe a better question is what would Christ do?
      • ‘For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.’
        Hebrews 5:12-14 ESV
      • What good is it if we act like we are kindergarteners when we’re supposed to be in college? Yes, there are levels, but at some point we must graduate. How does the church navigate that?
      • I think the big danger in this one is that it leads to things like correction being taken as judgment. And if we can’t correct then how can we ensure growth?
    2. “Baby” Christian
      • These are people who are new to the faith but are afraid to speak on their experiences.
      • But more specifically, those who feel afraid to say anyone because they think they are too new or fresh to contribute anything.
      • 1 Timothy 4:12 says “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” Although he was talking about physical age, I believe this can also apply to spiritual age as well. God uses who he chooses to use, and we shouldn’t think that we can’t be significant because we haven’t been a
      • Yes, there are people who have lived life with God and have substantial wisdom, but we should also not discourage new Christians to speak. I’m not saying they should be pastors or leaders. What I am saying is that they should be able to discuss their experiences in Jesus.
      • The Holy Spirit doesn’t come when we have been saved for a certain amount of time. It comes when we receive Jesus as our savior. So why then are we limiting them (externally or internally) and making them believe that their voice doesn’t matter? Or that their perspectives mean less.
      • What is the role of the church with new believers? Not only to guide them and grow them but also to make their voice seem important?
    3. Pharisees
      • This one is interesting. Because it’s been around since before Jesus’ time.
      • I think the danger is how people disguise their judgment as love. When it’s not. What it actually judgment is a way to bring a Christian hierarchy of betterness. They believe they are better because they don’t participate in that sin (normally external) while ignoring the own sin in their life. And they will acknowledge that they have sin, but still use it as a way to judge (I know I have my own sin but…”) It’s also interesting because more often than not, they don’t have a relationship with the people they’re judging.
      • The thing is, the Pharisees sometimes forget that they can’t determine someone’s salvation. Only Jesus can. And what’s more, what is their fruit saying?
      • I’m not even saying that they are intentionally trying to judge, I’m saying that consistently looking at others sin without looking at your own is bad but will also bring divisiveness in the church
      • “Judge not, that you be not judged. 2For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
        – Matthew 7:1-5 ESV
      • Because what happens is that we start to idolize other Christians or churches saying, “that’s what we’re supposed to do, that’s what wrong with us Christians…”. Ignoring that they as humans are still sinners and are not perfect. And when we exalt people, we are always going to be let down.
      • I think a question is how we can consistently as a church does not participate in judgment but in correcting in love.
      • Because even with relationships outside of church, we have to confront people who do wrong. Sometimes it feels like we go to two extremes (ignore the sin or overly judge harder than Christ would)
    4. Iniquity clothed as authenticity
      • This one is hard. I think God created all of us with different personalities and gifts. And sometimes people’s personalities get categorized as sinful because it doesn’t fit their mold of what they believe Christians should look/act like. So, people are afraid to be authentically themselves in fear of getting pegged as unchristian. (I’m thinking of how people think
      • I do feel, however, that sometimes people take advantage of that and lead sinful lives in the name of authenticity. We are supposed to be consecrated, and everyone has different personal convictions.
      • Being a Christian doesn’t mean we’re devoid of a personality or we’re holy rollers. It does mean we have different standards to submit to than the rest of the world who don’t know Christ. But we can’t let sin become our identity and claim that’s authenticity. That’s not freedom, but bondage.

    3. What’s Next?

    So, what do we do? And why is this even important? Because we are one body in Christ. And when there’s conflict with one person, that brings conflict within the entire body. Because like it or not, just because people may be in the categories above, that doesn’t mean they’re no longer Christian. So, we have to figure out how to navigate this and push ourselves to be not who we want to be, but who God wants us to be. A better question way is how do we navigate correcting people in love and how do we get out of these categories? And how do we live authentically in Christ while still honoring God the way he made us? I don’t know. Teehee. But the gates of Hell won’t prevail. And these divisive things, I pray God will turn them around and bring unity to his bride.

  • About Last Night

    In my previous post, I mentioned how I was bored. Well, I spoke too soon because soon a new emotion came in the nighttime: hopelessness. And I think even beyond hopelessness anger at myself. I feel like a waste of space.

    I know I’m not, but that’s my feeling right now. I don’t know. It’s Friday night and I’m at home, haven’t spoken to anyone or have any plans. And I was ok with that, but I feel like I’m wasting life.

    I just feel like there’s something wrong with me. I mentioned the friend who ghosted me in college. I don’t know if I can’t read humans because that happens more often. Or I think I’m closer friends with someone than we are. Anyways I get ignored, ghosted a lot. And yes, I can blame it on people but if it happens numerous times, it’s a pattern right?

    I don’t know, I cried about it a lot. I feel like a failure in a lot of aspects. But I think the scarier emotion is that I feel like a waste of space. I’m wasting my 20s, my youth because I don’t know what I’m doing. And I feel ashamed.

    Most times I don’t mind being alone. Until it turns into loneliness. And fear that it will always be like this. that I’m meant to do life alone. I guess that’s why whenever someone mentions dating or marriage with me. I just can’t see it. And to be honest I don’t think others can either. It feels like I’m the exception. And with friends? I’m always there but never chosen, y’know. Like never the one asked on a trip, or to hang randomly. always a guest never a bridesmaid (lol) I’m on the list but never chosen.

    I wish I was like those people who knew what they wanted to be since 6 or they had a close-knit friend group that they do trips with. But I’m not.

    And if I’m being honest, I think I hate myself for not being like that. I hate myself for being like…this

    Here comes the tears.

    I don’t want to hate myself. I want to love myself. But that feeling that I’m a waste is just nagging on me.

    I don’t know what you’re doing God but I’m here.

    Help me to see myself and love myself the way you see me. Because right now I’m filled with shame and sadness and just hatred.

  • Bored (1/16/26)

    Dear God,

    Happy Friday!

    This is the day that you have made!

    So it was really interesting. This is the first time that when I slept multiple songs were playing (like a radio). I don’t remember the rest of thet songs, but this was the one that was on my heart when I wake up. The lyric that really hits home is “I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord”.

    This will be pretty short compared to the others because nothing much happened today. Slept very late (past 3 again) and woke up later than I wanted. I couldn’t get out of my bed, however, because I was so tired and exhausted. I had originally planned to go to the gym, but I wanted to honor my body so i just rested.

    I heard back from a job though! I made it…to the next round. There’s so many rounds lol. But I’m grateful for the opportunity. I also cooked. Which took a long time lol. I was wondering how I would do it because I’m not eating, but the food took so long that by the time it was time to taste, it was past 6 which yay!.

    That’s really all I did today. Oh! Some things

    I read about Joseph’s sons: Ephraim and Manasseh. It was interesting seeing why some scholars think Ephraim represents gentiles. His descendants had the birthright but they also fell into sin and idolatry that had disastrous results. It makes me more grateful that Jesus came and died for us. But it also made me realize how easy it is to sin. Like lol duh but even the ones who think they’d never sin sometimes fall into it. It just reminds me to be humble and lean on God in every situation but also to have sympathy for others in their journey.

    I also thought of someone I hadn’t thought of in a long time. And that really hurt. To keep it short, we were friends in college (she was a year older than me, so she graduated first). And when she graduated, she ghosted me. I would text, no answer. And this was in 2021 (so like 5 years ago). And it still hurts. What makes it worse was that it felt like we were good friends and then the ghosting. It felt like I was not even valued enough as a friend to even say why. Like I was not important.

    I was having a conversation with a friend and she mentioned church hurt. And I realized that one of my fears with making friends in church that they would either see me as a mentee but never a friend or a friend and I’d never be close because they would leave me for more intimate relationships and forget/neglect me.

    I obviously have abandonment issues.

    It’s not the story of how you get in but the testimony of getting out.

    I also got called out during my devotional about how when God gives favor towards someone, what is our heart posture. They brought up David and the different reactions Jonathan and Saul had. It humbled me because I definitely have been more bitter instead of a heart of gratitude.

    Not having other things makes me realize why I sin so much when I’m bored. Because I’m bored. Like right now, I;m horny, but I can’t do anything about that physicallly (cause I ain’t got no man/sin) or read/watch (sin). But it’s a biological resposne. And normally, I’d distract myself with somehing else like a show or media but not today. Today I feel the feelings of wanting someone and also being scared of having a relationship becuase I may sin.

    Hopefully, tomorrow is a lot more chill and I do something. I need to exercise. And I want sweets sooooo bad. I really may have asugar addiction wow. welp…

    I pray that you will reveal the breakthrough in boredom.

    Love

    Tisa Ibori