This is Me: Finding My Voice

A blog to openly put all my feelings while I'm discovering and loving myself.

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  • Here again

    Right now I feel empty. I’m in church right now and I feel deeply lost. I feel like I’m losing a battle even though God has already won the battle: I’m deep in comparison battle. I feel like I’m losing a battle. I’m slowly falling into self hatred. I just don’t know why anyone would like me. I feel so ugly, so unworthy. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m wasting my time and life. Maybe because it was it was Valentine’s Day and it emphasized the love. But I don’t love myself. And this has been a decade+ long battle. And Everytime I feel like it gets better, it gets worse. I don’t know I’m so tired. God be my strength.

    I watched heated rivalry last night. And I crave intimacy. And I don’t know. I have friends but it feels like they don’t know me or have time to know me. And then I think of shows and people and see that and I’m a little jealous…a lot jealous.

    I keep on singing if I feel your heart but never feel your hand, I still have all. But I don’t believe that. I keep on singing that Jesus is my everything, and yet I crave more. I’m unsatisfied with life. And I blame God a little bit (I know that’s bad), but mainly me because if I’m honest, a lot of my problems are me problems. The part I blame God is the personality an characteristics.

    But I started going to the gym more often. And I was really proud of myself! But now I’m eating sugar and processed foods. Now I don’t have energy to cook so I’m ordering out. And that’s me. That’s laziness. But idk I’m giving up a lot.

    Be my everything Jesus. Because I’m not losing hope in you. I’m losing hope in me.

    Open my eyes to see that you have given me all that I needed. That you have answered my desires. Even if I can’t see it, you’re moving. Even if I don’t feel it, you’re working.

  • People…HELP!!

    Sigh. I don’t know anymore.

    Everyone is annoying me. But I think it’s because I don’t know how to be a freidn. I feel bad because nothing is happening in my life. And I’m sad. The relationships I envision aren’t there. And it’s maybe a combo of me being me but also life. TV lied. you don’t see groups of friends everyday. You’re not going to have breakfast dates. And I feel alone but at the same time… nah. I just haven’t felt that type of compatibility. And I really crave intimacy. But ughhh it feels like that type of intimacy can’t be found in friendships. Only romantic. And I’m not dating/not interested. But if I’m being honest, I’m not sure if that’s because I don’t want to date or because no one is attracted to me.

    And then everyone at my church (the onlhy other steady place I go to often) is annoying me. Maybe I’m not spiritual enough, but it feels like everything is placed on spirituality and none of our actions. And I don’t want to spend time. I think I’ve also made my reputation as little sister and it’s too late to change.

    I don’t know I’m thinking a lot of stuff. I just need help and advice and an outlet and…I don’t know, not to feel alone.

  • Back Again

    Hey!

    Lol, I thought I’d be gone for awhile. Turns out I have gotten used to writing my feelings out so here goes. There’s no concrete structure, just ramblings.

    Today at church, something that stood out to me was making my body a house of worship, a place of Bethel and where God lives. Worship did spontaneous and sang this song.

    But, during worship I really started to think about what I need to do to make my body a place where God lives. And there’s 2 big things (I’m sure there’s more)

    1. Comparison/jealousy/envy
    2. Surrendering to his will concerning the job.

    Yeah, so concerning the first bullet point. I realize that I compare a lot. But it’s also generational. A lot of Nigerian culture is being compared to people who look more successful, whether that be in school, relationships, or makeup. And it’s accepted within society, but no one discusses how miserable and unsatisfied you get. And if God calls us to be satisfied, how can those 2 things reside? But it feels generational because my mom did it to me. A lot. Like, growing up, I was compared to my cousins who live in different countries. Friends who went to the same church. Nothing I did was enough. And fast-forward to now, and I’m doing it to myself. Not only by comparing myself to others who get accolades, but also by feeling like my life is a waste because I’m not reaching those achievements. An example that came today. I’m on the prayer team, and I guess I always felt more chosen because I can pray or do altar calls. During pre-service prayer, a good friend of mine prayed. And it was powerful. And then she spoke for generosity. And that was powerful. And instead of being grateful to see how God was moving through her, I was jealous that it wasn’t me. And insecure. I felt like my spotlight had faded. That I wasn’t special anymore. And my heart was bitter if I’m being honest. Why her? And why not me? And I’m grateful that I caught it, but what happens if that feeling comes back? Or I start throwing shade? Or it builds up to resentment? I already feel like I ruin relationships, I don’t want to let my own insecurities be the catalyst for the ruins of others.

    And it also doesn’t make me like myself. Right now, I resent myself. And erring on to hate if I’m being honest. For every decision I’ve made, it feels like the wrong one. My personality feels like one big character flaw. The intimacy I desire in relationships isn’t there and I see other relationships and just assume they have something that I don’t have. I also wonder if I have autism but that’s a different post. I also need a therapist desperately.

    Now unto surrendering. No exaggeration, I’ve applied to over 600 jobs and gotten probably 30 interviews. I’ve only made it to the 3rd/4th round maybe 5 times. And I’ve started applying for barista/waitressing jobs yesterday, along with subbing. And I’m wondering if I have to accept a job that’s paying significantly less. I don’t know, but I think I have to say yes. But I feel like that’ll bring resentment and anger. Anger that others get these big promotions and higher paychecks, and I have less. But again, that’s a me thing. I had a good convo with a friend who was waiting on a job after graduation. She did retail while waiting and said that it really developed her. And maybe that’s what this is. Sigh I don’t know.

    I’ve also gotten lazy again. It’s been 24 hours since the fast ended and I’m falling back to old routines. Fast.

    I’m sorry, God. For wasting this body. Help me to honor you with it.

  • The End of The Road (1/31/26)

    Hi God,

    We made it! Last day of the fast. And I blogged for everyday (clap for me…clap clap).

    It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I have felt the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and the in between. But through it all, I talked to you, and we got more intimate. And I’m grateful.

    When I look back and read/reflect on these posts in the future, I feel as if I’d be amazed at how much was accomplished in these 21 days. And even though I didn’t get a job offer, I still have you.

    Today was good. I read Psalm 29. And I went into it and read and meditated. I didn’t know it was called the Psalm of the storms. Apparently, parents would read it to their children when there were thunderstorms.

    Me, being in this symbolic storm, it was nice to remember that God is still God of the storms. Something that the pastor said was if my worst fears came through, would it matter as much? Because God allowed it and God is still with you. I don’t think I’m explaining it well, but basically the worst thing that can happen is you not being with me. And if bad things happen, then I’ll be ok because you are with me. Your rod and staff comfort me.

    Not going to lie, I don’t know how consistent I’ll be after today. But I’m grateful for the discipline. For knowing I c an say no. For really valuing and treating my body like a temple. I had popeyes and Chinese this week (don’t judge) and my stomach was in pain. I need to be more mindful.

    Until next time!

    Tisa Ibori

  • Time of Lament (1/30/26)

    Happy Friday!

    Wow it has been a week. Today I think was a time of reflection.

    It has been a rough week emotionally. I have cried and cried. But most of all, I have just been exhausted. Exhausted at the state of my situation. Exhausted at starting from square 1 in the job search. Exhausted at having to rile myself up some belief in God. Exhausted at seeing the price of foods go up.

    But on the other side of the exhaustion comes gratitude. Gratitude is hard for me when I’m in a tough situation. Like, yes I have breath in my lungs, but what does it mean when I don’t necessarily want to? And I know that’s morbid but that’s where I am.

    Because I know myself, I made plans at 2 this morning to go to the coffee shop. I find that when I stay home, my mood goes from 10 to -500 really quick. And how true that was. I didn’t want to go. But loyalty and integrity is something that I’m working on. And walking in the cold made me realize how sad this job loss has really made me. Even me being better than I was on Tuesday doesn’t mean I’m back.

    It being almost 1 year since the loss and me being exactly where I was April 2 is not really helping. I don’t know what else to do. I haven’t stopped applying.

    Well, I’ve started eating sweets again. And I couldn’t even find sweets to enjoy. I don’t want to neglect what I’ve learned from the fast. I can be disciplined. I can say no. I don’t have to listen to my flesh and say yes every time.

    This fast has been hard the past 5 days. I even bought food and waited until 6. Because I want to honor my vows with God. I’m just tierd.

    This feels like it’s all in vain. And I want to make it clear that these are my feelings. I know this will all work out in the end. But it feels like hell.

    For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.

    And the LORD answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
    – Habakkuk 2:2-3

    I saw a random YouTube video about this. And it helped me a little. I don’t know, God’s time is always right. But it sure is taking its sweet time.

    I know I should enjoy this time. But I have rent to pay for. Food to eat. I already am growing resentful because of missed opportunities. And I made a list of things that I believe God will restore by the end of this year. What if he doesn’t’? What if this isn’t the end?

    I started thinking about what would happen if I don’t get a job by the end of August and I have to move back in with my parents. I would be so angry. So confused. So frustrated. And I’d feel like a failure. Because that’s the biggest emotion. Failure.

    And I deleted LinkedIn. The comparison was getting to me.

    I don’t really know the purpose of this blog post to be honest. This fast is almost over. And I guess I thought that by the end of it I’d have a job. Or be close. And I haven’t. And that’s disappointing.

    Honestly, that’s the emotion. I’m disappointed in myself. And I’m not liking me. I feel like a failure. And I don’t know what to do. I guess I have to start hustling lol.

    There’s one more day of fasting. Let’s see what happens.

    Until next time.

  • Good (1/29/26)

    Hi God,

    Today was good. Still need to fix my sleep schedule, but I’m hoping that once the fast ends, it will autocorrect.

    Nothing significant happened today. Honestly, I just rested and chilled. I did read a lot about jealousy and envy. I do want that to be resolved.

    The big thing is that I crave sugar soo bad. And McDonald’s. I actually really wanted to break the fast and get a bar of chocolate or Skittles. But I didn’t. I remained steadfast.

    I’m currently cleaning my room. That’s been good.

    I also applied to a lot of jobs. Hopefully something will shake. Here’s to faith and hope.

  • Jonathan: The unbitter crown prince

    A couple of weeks ago, I watched the movie David (great movie). I really enjoyed it, but one theme that really struck me was Jonathan and David’s relationship. Although the movie didn’t portray how close of a relationship they had, they highlighted Jonathan’s unselfishness and him stepping outside gladly for David to take his place as king.

    As I’m feeling a lot of bitter and envy and why me, I’m reminded of Jonathan. And rereading his story a couple of things stood out to me about the life of Jonathan.

    1. The age gap. I didn’t realize just how much older Jonathan was than David. Based on scholars’ estimates, Jonathan was around 30 years older than David. Which meant that when David killed Goliath in his teens, Jonathan was in his 40s, approaching 50. To have trained and prepared to be king well into your adult years, training for your birthright. And then to have that taken away, not even because of your mistakes, but because of your father’s (1 Samuel 15:28). And I don’t want to assume that he knew this when he saw David killing Goliath or David playing the harp for his father. All we know is that after David had killed Goliath and spoken to Saul, Jonathan’s soul was knit to David’s. Jonathan loved David as himself, even going so far as to make a covenant with David, and stripped his royal clothes and armor (sword, bow, belt) off to give to him (1 Samuel 18:1-4). Jonathan could have acted as if he were too mature, too wise to listen or be in a friendship with David. Yet he humbled himself and didn’t let age be a hindrance to a God-ordained relationship.
    2. Family Defiance: If it wasn’t for Jonathan, David would have died. Many instances. I wish they had highlighted that more in the movie (they gave all of it to Eliab, which… that’s a story for another day). But the weight of that is, I think, sometimes ignored, especially in modern times. The punishment for being “rebellious” was stoning (Deuteronomy 21:18-21), and if they thought that you hit or cursed your parent, they’d put you to death to remove the evil (Leviticus 20:9). Jonathan, growing up and following God, knew the consequences to his actions. And yet in 1 Samuel 19, when Saul tells Jonathan and his servants to kill David, Jonathan immediately tells David and even persuades Saul to not kill him. Even after, when Saul has unsuccessfully killed David and David is ranting to Jonathan, although Jonathan can’t believe his father would plot to kill without notifying him, he believes and trusts David, an act that was very uncommon in those times (1 Samuel 20: 1-4). Even after Saul tells Jonathan that he won’t be king as long as David is alive (1 Samuel 20:30) he still didn’t stop helping David, even going as far to question his father saying “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” (1 Samuel 20:32). He later honored his word with David and warned him not to come back, and they mourned together (1 Samuel 20:35-42).
    3. Honor: But never did it state that Jonathan’s heart became bitter or that his anger went to David or to God. He honored his covenant with David, and he honored God by obeying, even though it meant that what he thought his purpose was thwarted. I would love to know what he was feeling in that moment. Was he feeling rejected by God? Was he confused? Or was he so in touch with God that he understood that God was the ultimate king and it was an honor to serve him in whatever way?
    4. Friendship: Jonathan was the ultimate friend. In the wilderness, it’s said that Jonathan helped David to find strength in God. Which reminds me of Isaiah 40:31, where it says that they that wait for the Lord shall renew their strength. It also reminds me that God will send people to help us to find/renew our strength. Back to Jonathan. Saul, his father, is still hunting David. Saul’s actually the reason he’s in the wilderness. And now Jonathan knows that David is to be king. He could’ve blown his cover to Saul. He could’ve also complained to David about his new reality. But he goes to help his friend find strength. He doesn’t try to fight his battle, because that’s not his place. Instead, he does what a friend is supposed to do and reminded him who his God was and the purpose for his life. Jonathan tells David, “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.” (1 Samuel 23:17) Jonahtan obviously didn’t know he would have to die for David’s destiny to go on but he was willing to abdicate (or sacrifice) the throne for David to be king. And then they made another covenant before God. We don’t know what the covenant stated, but that shows the strength of their friendship. The encouragement of it, but God also being the center of their relationship. This was also their final encounter before Jonathan and Saul both died in battle against the Philistines (1 Samuel 31)

    In a phase in my life where I am feeling emotions of bitterness and envy, it’s always inspiring to see the bible correspond exactly to your situation. So this is my prayer:

    Help me father lord, to submit to your will like Jonathan knowing that you have the final say and it will turn out good. God I am also asking you to forgive me. Forgive me when I have made my heart bitter, thinking that you don’t like me and that people are taking what I think I am owed. Remind me that everything in this Earth is yours and I am merely a steward. Mold my heart till it looks like yours. Flesh out the bitterness and envy, and give me peace and satisfaction. Help me to be like Jonathan and say yes and be an encourager, a friend, and even go as far to defy law if it means obeying you. Lord, I pray that you bring me friends like Jonathan, but that I, too, in my relationships, be a Jonathan. Keeping you at the center and showing ferocious loyalty, encouragement, faith, and devotion towards my friendships and relationships. In Jesus’ name.

  • Tired Pt. 3 (1/28/26)

    Hi God,

    Happy Wednesday! Humpp dayyyy

    Today started out heavy. I woke up to my dad angry at me that I didn’t call him to tell him happy birthday at 10 AM. His birthday is today. Anyways after I got over that, I sat in my bed for hours. Luckily, my temp company called, and I got a same day assignment, which forced me out of my house.

    Leaving my house, I felt a multitude of emotions. Anger, bitterness, hopelessness. But leaving I felt peace and acceptance.

    First, the kids were kindergartners/1st graders and they were insanely cute. Secondly, the song by mercy me “even if” kept on playing in my head. And I think that’s my mindset. One of the lyrics is “I know the sorrow, I know the hurt could all go away if you just say the word but even if you don’t, my hope is you alone” And I guess that’s my prayer. That my hope will be in you even if it doesn’t look good. The root of my feelings is feeling abandoned. I have to remind myself that you’re a faithful God.

    The jealousy/envy thing is starting to bring up issues. The assignment was a private school and I just looked up tuition. $65K. A year. And I got angry again. And I need to let it go. I’m comparing myself and thinking my life would be better if I had money to spend like that. And although yea I wouldn’t have some problems, other problems would arise. I need to be satisfied in my situation.

    I don’t think I sat still. I updated my profile on Upwork. Have received no hits (even paid). I just don’t like not having income.

    I did respond to friend’s text. And that was nice. Kinda how I know this isolation is over.

    I also went to the gym. Have been more consistent.

    I think I’m going to explore grieving. And how Job grieved. And what do you want me to get from that.

    I’m sore from the gym (and I did order popeyes…) And I’m not going to pretend I’m going to sleep now because…I’m not.

    Thanks God. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow. And even if it’s not, you’re still with me.

    Love

  • Tired Pt 2 (1/27/26)

    Hi God.

    It’s been a day. Couldn’t sleep until 430 and woke up at 1030. Then went back to sleep until 1. It’s not like I’m doing anything right?

    These feelings will pass but right now I’m very much over it. When I woke up this song was in my head (thanks Holy Spirit).

    I want to believe it and in my head I know this. I’m just angry. I read Psalm 28 and fell asleep to a sermon on it. I don’t know it’s just been a day.

    I did do laundry today! And showed and brushed my teeth! And the song was “For my good”. I need to remind myself that God hasn’t forsaken me. Even though it really looks like it.

    I also wrote a prayer out loud. And that was really helpful. Just writing it and remembering that he (God & Jesus) understands, especially because Jesus went through the same emotions I did.

    And then my cousin, whom I love with all my heart (she lost her job in September and didn’t start looking until December) called me and told me that she found a new one. And now that she can afford it (she’s in London) her and her sister are coming to the States in April.

    I am extremely happy and ecstatic for her. That being said, after the call I broke down and cried. And it wasn’t a cry it was a laugh cry. Because it just feels like I’m not enough for anyone.

    And I think this situation showed that I still have some envy and bitterness. Some backstory, me and this cousin are the same age and growing up I was always compared to her. And it feels like I lost again in not being enough. She looked for a month…a month! It’s been month 10 for me and I’m back to square 1. Again. So now I have to believe that God’s favor is still on me. That I’m not forgotten just because someone I know got the same blessing that I’ve been praying for. And that’s really hard. Because I feel like a failure. And that I’m being overlooked.

    I’m ignoring everyone’s texts. And I feel bad. But I just don’t have the energy to communicate. I know people are going to want to be helpful but right now I don’t want to hear it gets better or keep on waiting.

    I am waiting. I’m just tired right now but I’ll be back soon. I’m just over it. And I feel like Christians sometimes don’t give space to allow others to grieve freely. Sometimes it feels like we think grieving is the opposite of God or we think grieving means we don’t trust and believe.

    I’m really tired so I’m going to sleep.

  • Prayer of Feelings

    Dear God,

    I thank you that you are God of all. That there is only one of you. That I don’t have to go to various gods for various emotions or things. I can give it all to you. I thank you God that you are truly Kadosh-holiest of it all. I thank you Lord that you are worthy and mighty. That you are a good father. That you are a provider. That you are the prince of peace. That you are the way maker. That daily your mercies are new.

    Right now, God I am feeling a multitude of emotions. I have been waiting for almost a year for a new job. And it feels hopeless. And although I know that my hope should not be in temporary things but should only be in you (and it is), I do still feel feelings. Feelings of disappointment, feelings of anger, feelings of shame in myself. I’m thankful God that I can come to you in all states. I can come to you as I am. I am reminded of David and how many of his writings in Psalms are laments. I’m reminded of Jeremiah writing Lamentations.

    And most of all, I’m reminded of Jesus who was both God and man and still admitted that his soul was sorrowful and asked God to take the weight away from him (Matthew 26:37-38). I’m reminded that at the cross, Jesus asked you why you have forsaken him (Matthew 27:47). And if Jesus, who was perfect, could give you his emotions so can I. If Jesus, in his humanity, felt like you had forsaken him even though he knew you didn’t and knew his will, so can I.

    I don’t know what’s going on in my life. Workwise, I feel like a failure, in relationships I feel like a placeholder. Right now, I feel bogged down. I haven’t responded to any messages from people texting me. I just feel like I’m in a dark hole. I know you have a plan for me. I know it’s all working for my good. But I feel like a waste.

    It feels like my life is currently a nightmare that I’m trying to wake up from. But the nightmare is just rejections and financial instability. haha. God, I don’t understand but I trust you. I’m glad that I can give you all of it. I know your ways are higher than my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts. Every day I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I want to see myself and love myself the way you do, but it’s really hard. Really really hard. I feel like I’m always blubbering and messing up. Or I can’t cultivate strong relationships. You say that it’s not good for man to be alone. But I don’t even know what my place is. What if my purpose is just to bring people together to find their forever people, their friends. But what about me? I’m trying to be strong, but I don’t even know what strong is.

    Restore my confidence God. Confidence in you. Confidence in myself. Because I also don’t know what I’m doing and I think any choice I make is the wrong one. I don’t think this is how you want me to live but I don’t know. I don’t know what I really know besides that you are God and I am not. And that everything will work out for the good of those who trust him.

    Be my strength and shield. In you let my heart trust. Be my saving refuge. Be my shepherd.

    I hate the wilderness. But I grow in it. I selfishly would like to grow in the mountains but not my will. I’m just tired. And I know you see my tiredness and you care. But can it be overrrrr. please? As I’m waiting upon you, let my strength be renewed. Let me run and not grow weary. Let me walk and not faint. Because right now I am weary. I am over it. Finito. So be with me. Let me continue to praise you before the breakthrough. Because, if I’m being honest I’m so scared of the future. It feels like I’m always waiting for something. And this morning I started seeing myself at 50 still waiting for a husband. Or waiting to have a child. And I think I was seeing it as you not loving me or punishing. So, help me to believe and feel like you love me. I’m just being honest God. I believe you love me but help my unbelief.

    It feels like the only person who truly wants to know me is you God. And that’s because you already know me. And if that’s what it is, let it be. It’s really lonely though. I’m really alone. I don’t even think I know how to be a friend. I just don’t like myself in this moment. Or for a while. Sigh. I know you desire me, but I don’t. Help me to. Desire myself.

    Here I am. You say ask and you shall receive. So I’m asking for a job that’s exceedingly above all I can ask or think. That my mind would be calm. That I would stop believing that lie that I’m not enough. That I would not believe the lie that I’m a waste. I’m asking you to restore everything lost during this duration. Silence the noise in my mind God. Stop thinking that you’ve abandoned or forsaken me. Help me to be satisfied in my current situation. And help me not to grow resentful of this wilderness.

    Also help me to be mindful of my words, especially when I’m anger or overwhelmed.

    Thank you for loving me. Help me to love others the way you do, even those that are rude or mean or poopybutts. Help me to not judge others, but to see the log in my eye. I don’t know anymore. I feel like a failure. Help me to see the success story you see in me. Because I surely don’t.

    All these things I pray in Jesus’ name.

    Amen