This is Me: Finding My Voice

A blog to openly put all my feelings while I'm discovering and loving myself.

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  • Life Update: 3/22/26

    Today started off really well. And now I’m in my head. Lol.

    So, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this in other blogs, but I serve on the prayer team at my church. And that has come with its highs and lows, but I do think I’m right where God wants me to be.

    That being said, I try to consecrate myself in preparation (fasting the day before and now that the weather is nice, walking to church and praying). One worry I always have when I’m at the altar is that I am going to be praying off of my might and not by the Spirit. I know that I want the glory and desire praise because I want validation that I’m enough. But what I desire more is that God gets the glory. So, it’s been a fear if I’m being honest. That the words I’m saying are mine and not God’s.

    Anyway, the service was beautiful. It was God-ordained. My friend preached a very powerful sermon, and it really made me sit and think. It was needed especially in this season.

    I still don’t have a job. Or even job prospects. And the 1-year anniversary is April 1 (Also during Holy week lol). And this has been really tough, especially when I serve. Because when people come to me and ask for prayer, and their prayer gets answered, a little part of me is like, what about my request? What about my prayers? Where are you God in my situation?

    I was reminded in the sermon that Jesus wants to heal more than just physical suffering. And I’ve been reminded that God is selfless. Like intrinsically. And although God is moved by our faith and powerful enough to remove the suffering, sometimes we just have to live with the tension that walking with Jesus means waiting.

    So, after the sermon is the altar call. And God has been doing these “fun” things where he makes me do unorthodox ways. This time, he was directing me to pray for someone I didn’t know, but not through her, through her daughter-in-law. So, I had to motion her and pray. It was awkward because I’m just pointing and waiting, but God gets the glory.

    Also please pray for my church. People are carrying heavvvy burdens. I pray we have the right tools and capabilities to go deeper with God and be a place of deliverance.

    Afterwards, I had an impromptu brunch with the speaker and her family, and it was really nice (and they paid for me, FAVORRRR!). And brunch was great. And we just talked. And it made me realize how much I’ve missed them. But in a way that type of friendship. Or just chatting.

    Don’t get me wrong, my friends are great, but we don’t really talk after service. I don’t know, I don’t want to compare or also think that me missing some friends means that I don’t value or love my current friends.

    And then on my way home, someone stopped me and asked me to help them buy baby formula. I wanted to say no, but then a voice said, “Love them like Jesus”. And baby formula is EXPENSIVE. $56. Oh my gosh…And I was so worried that I was being scammed, or how I would pay for it. Help my focus shift to I thank God that he was able to use me for his glory. I hope she [Tina] is ok.

    Anyways, after I saw this tiktok (username @ms_dapherede) and it really helped:
    Pride says: I did this on my own. All by myself
    False Humility: I’m nothing & I didn’t do anything
    Godly humility: God gave me the ability & I use it faithfully

    Anyways, I felt great. On cloud 9. And I was tired, but I try not to sleep because my sleep schedule is sensitive so if I sleep, it’s hard for me to sleep at night. The next thing I know, I wake up confused. Like hella confused. Not sure what day it is, where I’m at. It took me like 5 minutes to remember that it was Sunday. I feel like if I were employed, I would have rushed to get ready for work. Guess there was a silver lining. lol.

    Anyways, I wake up confused and HORNYYYY. Like bruhhh. And again, not really sure what God feels about eroticas, but I felt like if I was watching them to ease, maybe not. So now I’m frustrated that I don’t even have anything tempting me, it’s just biology. And then after, I get sad. And lonely. And I don’t know why or what to do with this. But I speak Jesus. And that’s where I’m at right now. Like I want someone, but it doesn’t feeel (and look) like someone wants me. And that I have daydreams of finding someone at church. But my church has no single men. They come boo’d up. And I also think I’ve given up on that. Obviously I desire it but I guess I don’t believe it’s for me? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t believe I’m worthy enough to be loved or they’ll leave once they get close enough. Seeing people yearn and be intimate with each other makes me happy and sad because I can’t imagine that for me. Ain’t that something?

    My sister was speaking to my mom and her friend. I’m always a little jealous, I don’t really know how to talk about my life or let people in. I think I always feel like I’m going to be judged/I feel like a failure because I’m unemployed and unmarried. I don’t know. But I guess I get a little jealous because she talks with them freely.

    I know it’s a lie that I’m lonely. I’ve been speaking Jesus over my mind. And then also I’ve been getting these boils on my armpits. I don’t know how to stop them and I think the hair makes it worse. But I can’t shave because then it’ll aggravate it. The only option is laser hair and I don’t have the money right now. And my nosebleeds are getting more random and happening daily. My friend said it may have to do with exercise/walking which…hmmm. I think I’m frustrated because I’ve gone to doctors and nothing has changed. It’s gotten worse or stagnant. I’ve prayed with authority and it’s stayed the same. I think I’ve accepted this is my life instead of believing you can heal me. Help my mind.

    But that’s all I have. I want to pray for myself, the world, and others. It’s scary right now because it feels and looks so hopeless and bleak. It feels like the oppressor eill win. Something I have to remind myself is that the oppressor isn’t my enemy the devil is. And God cares for theme to. And he also cares for the oppressed.

    So this has been good to write the daily thoughts. And process outloud.

    Help us God. Be with us God. Thy will be done. Let us feel your love in all aspects. Remember your people. We need you. Remember us like you did in the 1930s, in the 1950s. God please help us and show us your love. Help me to trust you. To believe that when I seek you, you will answer with the right response.

  • Thank You

    Dear God,

    I asked you to help me see that the wait was worth it. This week you have shown me the value of friendships. Friends who see me as I am and who I’m striving to be. Friends who will spend resources and money if that means spending time with me.

    I know that I have been worried about so many spiritual terms such as demons, over-spiritualization, and what truly matters. Thank you for reminding me that friendship is a place to see you. Friendship is also a form of worship. A form of viewing your love.

    Although I may not be where I want to be, I’m not away from your presence. I’m not away from your love.

    My heart is full of gratitude for the people who you have placed in my life. May I always remember this feeling and always give you the glory.

  • Strength in Weakness

    Ok so.

    I have a problem.

    As you may know, I’m pretty involved in my church. And I also serve in some ministries.

    The problem is I’m getting irritated with people. Meaning that I don’t want to be around them. And I’m currently trying to discern if it’s a them issue or me.

    This has happened in the past. And when it’s with non-Christians, it’s because they were moving too close in personal space. This isn’t that.

    I get irritated. I feel like they’re being disingenuous or Jesus is their entire personality. As I was writing this, God (Holy Spirit?) put this scripture on my heart. I’m trying to be better at discerning God’s voice v. my own.

    But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
    – 1 Samuel 16:7 ESV

    So what does this mean for me? I don’t know, but let’s break it down together. Appearance/height means that Samuel had seen this formula work. Ie, he saw leaders that were handsome/strong and equated that with success. God is saying that it’s always been heart posture because that is humility and dependence on God.

    I wonder, in my situation, if because I have seen people who were “on fire” in public but in private weren’t or the opposite, that it’s rubbing me the wrong way. Or even if it comes off as performative, when it’s not. Or maybe it is performative.

    I don’t know. But what I know is that my behavior isn’t loving.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

    And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love
    – 1 Corinthians 13:8-13

    But I also wonder if I’m conflating love with friendship. I think I’m realize that I’m friendly/act lovingly towards friends and people that I can see friendship with.

    “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
    – John 13:34

    Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
    – Colossians 3:13

    Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
    – Romans 12:10

    Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
    – 1 Peter 4:8

    Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
    – 1 John 4:7

    Lol so the bible also doesn’t agree with my behavior, which means that God also doesn’t like it. And I think I knew that because I’ve been feeling conviction. But basically I need to honor these 2 people above my feelings for myself. And I think normally I “honored” by not being around them. I can’t do that lol. I see them weekly.

    So now I think the question is how do I love them when my flesh so badly doesn’t want to.

    Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
    – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

    Lol I guess the big thing is that this is a weakness. My tendency to be stubborn. And sidenote I know some people don’t like to say “oh I sstruggle with this or am this”. I personally do just so I know what I’m going through. I try not to take ownership but…yea.

    Anyways, a weakness of mine is that at times I am stubborn and easily irritated. So what do I do. I have to lean on God’s grace because it is sufficient.

    So here’s a prayer

    Dear heavenly father,

    A lot is going on in the world. A lot of chaos. Of uncertainty. But through it all. A constant is that you are God. And you are good. And you are faithful. Right now I feel a multitude of emotions. Frustration that a lot of my friends I don’t see often, and the people I do see I don’t consider them friends. But my life is in your hands. I repent of the way I’ve been treating your children. Even if it’s neutral/slightly abrasive, it is not love. And I know better. True repentance is changed behavior so I’m leaning on you to change my behavior. To remind me that I don’t know their intentions unless you reveal it to me. Help me not to lean on my flesh but on the spirit. And even if I don’t trust, help me to still act in ways of love. This is a weakness of mine, but in my weakness, you are strong.
    I love you. Thank you for loving me.
    In Jesus’ Name.

    Amen

  • Scared to Speak

    So, I watched a podcast episode and it made me think of a lot of things. And maybe this space can also be a place for me to unpack.

    So, fyi, it’s not a Christian podcast. But the 2 hosts and their guests are all Christian. And one of them is a recent Christian, but she didn’t want to say it or talk about her journey because she didn’t want there to be judgment because she wasn’t going to stop doing her (her official words were I’m not changing who I am). And then the three of them had a really interesting conversation that I want to dig deeper into. Because I do think it’s worth discussing. Because my heart kinda broke that she felt she had to hide her being a Christian because it doesn’t fit into others’ boxes. But it is interesting when your life is so public because your sin is also public.

    I was talking to my aunt about this, and she brought up an interesting point. In my parents’ generation, when they became Christians, they stopped anything that they thought was unholy. Drinking? no more. Clubbing? No more. They dropped it and went to church. But that was also their culture. Family and relationships were built on obedience, not intimacy.

    Fast forward to now, when, through intimacy, the desire to sin goes away for people. People can’t give up sins cold turkey. And I think it’s dangerous to expect that. Because if not, that can bring up condemnation and judgment. And I’m not saying one approach is better than the other one. Honestly, I’m not sure if Jesus prefers one over the other. (And if I think he does, I will read). I think there is also beauty in people realizing that their actions are sinful and choosing to repent internally and externally.

    I think the concern comes with a couple of topics:

    1. Judgment/Condemnation
    2. Glorifying sin
    3. No relational correction
    4. Inauthenticity

    I don’t know, it just breaks my heart that some Christians can’t live their lives as they are and allow themselves to be molded. And actions have consequences. Yes. But the consequences from people (other Christians) tend to be harsher than God’s. Sometimes it feels like when someone calls themselves a Christian singer or actor, they immediately become a people marker of holiness instead of Jesus. And because they are human, they will fail. But their failure is now a failure of Christianity instead of their humanity.

    I’m reminded of Kirk Franklin and how a lot of Christians don’t like him because his life is not polished. And I have the opposite view. I admire him for allowing us to see the humanity in his walk with Christ. The falls and coming back up. But that’s rare. And I’ve been thinking about this. At work, most people don’t show up their authentic self. There’s a level of professionalism to make everyone comfortable (a standard that’s set in White wealth). This same thinking also occurs in the church and has been one of the problems in churches. But is that what Jesus would want? Us to dress up ourselves so others are comfortable.

    In church, the word sanctification is thrown around a lot. The definition I use is the process of becoming pure through a relationship with God the father, son, and Holy Spirit. It’s a never-ending process because we can’t ever fully get pure and holy.

    In Romans, Paul talks about sanctification. He says,
    For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
    Romans 6:20-23

    But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
    Galatians 5:16-24

    From my understanding, Paul is saying a couple of points:

    • Through salvation, we are no longer in bondage to sin
    • When we accept Jesus, we get the Spirit. The Spirit is the one to help us to resist our flesh. When we walk by the Spirit (daily, not a marathon), that is how we don’t submit to flesh.
      • The Spirit will manifest itself through the fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control).
    • The more we are intimate in our relationship with the Spirit, the more evident the fruit will be in our lives. More of the fruit leads to us (Christians) becoming more pure and eternal life.

    I think this is beautiful. And I think the beautiful thing about Christianity is that it ultimately is a relationship with God. Meaning everyone’s journey will look different.

    An example is alcohol. People can argue about whether you can drink as a Christian. What is irrefutable is that drunkenness is a sin (and goes against the fruit of the Spirit [self-control]). Now then, if I, as a Christian, have a drink of wine in my house, that is good. But then, different standards happen when a gospel singer has a drink publicly.

    And I also don’t want this to come across like all actions (and sins) have no consequences. Because that’s not true. I am saying that when these people (except pastors, I’m mainly speaking about celebrities) become singers or podcasters, most of the time they are people who are using God’s gift. They are still humans. People just project them higher. And then when they fall, there’s a sense of glee because they showed their humanity, instead of a desire to help or pray for them to get back up.

    I know pastors who hide their alcohol when members come. Not because they have convictions, but because they don’t know how it’ll get perceived. And I think that’s dangerous. Because we’re still living in bondage. It would be different if they didn’t already drink, but hiding something, not to God but to man, to appear Christian…isn’t that a dangerous slope? And there are so many other lenses (cultural, region of living, family, etc…) How can we say someone isn’t a Christian if they do something that we don’t agree with? And what if it is something that God hasn’t consecrated yet?

    I don’t know. And this may not make a lot of sense. This post is rushed and not structured well, and will probably get edited. It just…it broke my heart that someone felt that she couldn’t be public with her faith because of her past. Isn’t that what Jesus was trying to stop?

    And I truly don’t know what the right approach is. Because I know when you stop doing something cold turkey, there is space for resentment and anger towards others. And it’s also weird because sometimes people on platforms are platforming a persona. And yet, we are condemning them and “taking” away their salvation, something only Jesus can do.

    I just pray we don’t become the Pharisees or Sadducees. That we have Jesus’ eyes and discernment in everything. And we are happy when another one of our brothers/sisters says yes to Jesus instead of trying to fix their lives to fit how we see Jesus in. One thing I’ve found is that Jesus is truly Emmanuel: God with us. And nothing goes to waste. Not even our sin. As much as we may not want it to be, sometimes people will find Jesus in a podcast rather than a church at first. And through the podcast, they’ll have the courage to go to church. But we can’t shame others when their relationship doesn’t look like ours or what we perceive the standard to be.

  • Here again

    Right now I feel empty. I’m in church right now and I feel deeply lost. I feel like I’m losing a battle even though God has already won the battle: I’m deep in comparison battle. I feel like I’m losing a battle. I’m slowly falling into self hatred. I just don’t know why anyone would like me. I feel so ugly, so unworthy. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m wasting my time and life. Maybe because it was it was Valentine’s Day and it emphasized the love. But I don’t love myself. And this has been a decade+ long battle. And Everytime I feel like it gets better, it gets worse. I don’t know I’m so tired. God be my strength.

    I watched heated rivalry last night. And I crave intimacy. And I don’t know. I have friends but it feels like they don’t know me or have time to know me. And then I think of shows and people and see that and I’m a little jealous…a lot jealous.

    I keep on singing if I feel your heart but never feel your hand, I still have all. But I don’t believe that. I keep on singing that Jesus is my everything, and yet I crave more. I’m unsatisfied with life. And I blame God a little bit (I know that’s bad), but mainly me because if I’m honest, a lot of my problems are me problems. The part I blame God is the personality an characteristics.

    But I started going to the gym more often. And I was really proud of myself! But now I’m eating sugar and processed foods. Now I don’t have energy to cook so I’m ordering out. And that’s me. That’s laziness. But idk I’m giving up a lot.

    Be my everything Jesus. Because I’m not losing hope in you. I’m losing hope in me.

    Open my eyes to see that you have given me all that I needed. That you have answered my desires. Even if I can’t see it, you’re moving. Even if I don’t feel it, you’re working.

  • People…HELP!!

    Sigh. I don’t know anymore.

    Everyone is annoying me. But I think it’s because I don’t know how to be a freidn. I feel bad because nothing is happening in my life. And I’m sad. The relationships I envision aren’t there. And it’s maybe a combo of me being me but also life. TV lied. you don’t see groups of friends everyday. You’re not going to have breakfast dates. And I feel alone but at the same time… nah. I just haven’t felt that type of compatibility. And I really crave intimacy. But ughhh it feels like that type of intimacy can’t be found in friendships. Only romantic. And I’m not dating/not interested. But if I’m being honest, I’m not sure if that’s because I don’t want to date or because no one is attracted to me.

    And then everyone at my church (the onlhy other steady place I go to often) is annoying me. Maybe I’m not spiritual enough, but it feels like everything is placed on spirituality and none of our actions. And I don’t want to spend time. I think I’ve also made my reputation as little sister and it’s too late to change.

    I don’t know I’m thinking a lot of stuff. I just need help and advice and an outlet and…I don’t know, not to feel alone.

  • Back Again

    Hey!

    Lol, I thought I’d be gone for awhile. Turns out I have gotten used to writing my feelings out so here goes. There’s no concrete structure, just ramblings.

    Today at church, something that stood out to me was making my body a house of worship, a place of Bethel and where God lives. Worship did spontaneous and sang this song.

    But, during worship I really started to think about what I need to do to make my body a place where God lives. And there’s 2 big things (I’m sure there’s more)

    1. Comparison/jealousy/envy
    2. Surrendering to his will concerning the job.

    Yeah, so concerning the first bullet point. I realize that I compare a lot. But it’s also generational. A lot of Nigerian culture is being compared to people who look more successful, whether that be in school, relationships, or makeup. And it’s accepted within society, but no one discusses how miserable and unsatisfied you get. And if God calls us to be satisfied, how can those 2 things reside? But it feels generational because my mom did it to me. A lot. Like, growing up, I was compared to my cousins who live in different countries. Friends who went to the same church. Nothing I did was enough. And fast-forward to now, and I’m doing it to myself. Not only by comparing myself to others who get accolades, but also by feeling like my life is a waste because I’m not reaching those achievements. An example that came today. I’m on the prayer team, and I guess I always felt more chosen because I can pray or do altar calls. During pre-service prayer, a good friend of mine prayed. And it was powerful. And then she spoke for generosity. And that was powerful. And instead of being grateful to see how God was moving through her, I was jealous that it wasn’t me. And insecure. I felt like my spotlight had faded. That I wasn’t special anymore. And my heart was bitter if I’m being honest. Why her? And why not me? And I’m grateful that I caught it, but what happens if that feeling comes back? Or I start throwing shade? Or it builds up to resentment? I already feel like I ruin relationships, I don’t want to let my own insecurities be the catalyst for the ruins of others.

    And it also doesn’t make me like myself. Right now, I resent myself. And erring on to hate if I’m being honest. For every decision I’ve made, it feels like the wrong one. My personality feels like one big character flaw. The intimacy I desire in relationships isn’t there and I see other relationships and just assume they have something that I don’t have. I also wonder if I have autism but that’s a different post. I also need a therapist desperately.

    Now unto surrendering. No exaggeration, I’ve applied to over 600 jobs and gotten probably 30 interviews. I’ve only made it to the 3rd/4th round maybe 5 times. And I’ve started applying for barista/waitressing jobs yesterday, along with subbing. And I’m wondering if I have to accept a job that’s paying significantly less. I don’t know, but I think I have to say yes. But I feel like that’ll bring resentment and anger. Anger that others get these big promotions and higher paychecks, and I have less. But again, that’s a me thing. I had a good convo with a friend who was waiting on a job after graduation. She did retail while waiting and said that it really developed her. And maybe that’s what this is. Sigh I don’t know.

    I’ve also gotten lazy again. It’s been 24 hours since the fast ended and I’m falling back to old routines. Fast.

    I’m sorry, God. For wasting this body. Help me to honor you with it.

  • The End of The Road (1/31/26)

    Hi God,

    We made it! Last day of the fast. And I blogged for everyday (clap for me…clap clap).

    It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I have felt the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and the in between. But through it all, I talked to you, and we got more intimate. And I’m grateful.

    When I look back and read/reflect on these posts in the future, I feel as if I’d be amazed at how much was accomplished in these 21 days. And even though I didn’t get a job offer, I still have you.

    Today was good. I read Psalm 29. And I went into it and read and meditated. I didn’t know it was called the Psalm of the storms. Apparently, parents would read it to their children when there were thunderstorms.

    Me, being in this symbolic storm, it was nice to remember that God is still God of the storms. Something that the pastor said was if my worst fears came through, would it matter as much? Because God allowed it and God is still with you. I don’t think I’m explaining it well, but basically the worst thing that can happen is you not being with me. And if bad things happen, then I’ll be ok because you are with me. Your rod and staff comfort me.

    Not going to lie, I don’t know how consistent I’ll be after today. But I’m grateful for the discipline. For knowing I c an say no. For really valuing and treating my body like a temple. I had popeyes and Chinese this week (don’t judge) and my stomach was in pain. I need to be more mindful.

    Until next time!

    Tisa Ibori

  • Time of Lament (1/30/26)

    Happy Friday!

    Wow it has been a week. Today I think was a time of reflection.

    It has been a rough week emotionally. I have cried and cried. But most of all, I have just been exhausted. Exhausted at the state of my situation. Exhausted at starting from square 1 in the job search. Exhausted at having to rile myself up some belief in God. Exhausted at seeing the price of foods go up.

    But on the other side of the exhaustion comes gratitude. Gratitude is hard for me when I’m in a tough situation. Like, yes I have breath in my lungs, but what does it mean when I don’t necessarily want to? And I know that’s morbid but that’s where I am.

    Because I know myself, I made plans at 2 this morning to go to the coffee shop. I find that when I stay home, my mood goes from 10 to -500 really quick. And how true that was. I didn’t want to go. But loyalty and integrity is something that I’m working on. And walking in the cold made me realize how sad this job loss has really made me. Even me being better than I was on Tuesday doesn’t mean I’m back.

    It being almost 1 year since the loss and me being exactly where I was April 2 is not really helping. I don’t know what else to do. I haven’t stopped applying.

    Well, I’ve started eating sweets again. And I couldn’t even find sweets to enjoy. I don’t want to neglect what I’ve learned from the fast. I can be disciplined. I can say no. I don’t have to listen to my flesh and say yes every time.

    This fast has been hard the past 5 days. I even bought food and waited until 6. Because I want to honor my vows with God. I’m just tierd.

    This feels like it’s all in vain. And I want to make it clear that these are my feelings. I know this will all work out in the end. But it feels like hell.

    For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.

    And the LORD answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
    – Habakkuk 2:2-3

    I saw a random YouTube video about this. And it helped me a little. I don’t know, God’s time is always right. But it sure is taking its sweet time.

    I know I should enjoy this time. But I have rent to pay for. Food to eat. I already am growing resentful because of missed opportunities. And I made a list of things that I believe God will restore by the end of this year. What if he doesn’t’? What if this isn’t the end?

    I started thinking about what would happen if I don’t get a job by the end of August and I have to move back in with my parents. I would be so angry. So confused. So frustrated. And I’d feel like a failure. Because that’s the biggest emotion. Failure.

    And I deleted LinkedIn. The comparison was getting to me.

    I don’t really know the purpose of this blog post to be honest. This fast is almost over. And I guess I thought that by the end of it I’d have a job. Or be close. And I haven’t. And that’s disappointing.

    Honestly, that’s the emotion. I’m disappointed in myself. And I’m not liking me. I feel like a failure. And I don’t know what to do. I guess I have to start hustling lol.

    There’s one more day of fasting. Let’s see what happens.

    Until next time.

  • Good (1/29/26)

    Hi God,

    Today was good. Still need to fix my sleep schedule, but I’m hoping that once the fast ends, it will autocorrect.

    Nothing significant happened today. Honestly, I just rested and chilled. I did read a lot about jealousy and envy. I do want that to be resolved.

    The big thing is that I crave sugar soo bad. And McDonald’s. I actually really wanted to break the fast and get a bar of chocolate or Skittles. But I didn’t. I remained steadfast.

    I’m currently cleaning my room. That’s been good.

    I also applied to a lot of jobs. Hopefully something will shake. Here’s to faith and hope.