Since I was a kid, I have felt like an outsider. I’ve been yearning, craving to feel wanted. I remember in middle school, I had some money for the bake fair and someone in band casually said she wanted something and I bought it for her, ignoring my plight. And it wasn’t a feel-good moment. I wanted to buy her love. And it didn’t work. lol it never works. I remember feeling like an outsider and being angry. Blaming my parents that I couldn’t hang out with my parents outside of school because they were strict. I wasn’t cool because I had an android, so that’s why I wasn’t included in the group chat. Blaming them for not teaching me Yoruba. That’s why I’m not that connected with my culture or with people from there. We’re in the USA when all of my family is in London or Nigeria. That’s why I’m not close with them or chat with them. Blaming them for that too. Blaming my parents for them becoming pastors when I was a teenager. That’s why I don’t have those strong relationships no more. Because I didn’t see them as often. Or I wasn’t as loud or as cool. College was when I was angry but then it became anger at myself. Angry that I wasn’t danceable enough. I thought that I would be desired and when I wasn’t, I became angry that I didn’t learn makeup in hs. I felt too awkward and ugly. That’s why I couldn’t have close friends or even guy friends. I would see my friends and they would hang out in groups and I’d just think where was my invite? Or why was I not a thought? Or my favorite. Are people having a sitcom college years and I’m the only one not? And then when my sisters went to college and they found their friend groups and they had stories and they had bonding stories and then. The anger turned to sadness because I realized the common factor. Me. It’s no one’s fault but mine. I am why I am. And unfortunately, I don’t know how to be at peace with that. Knowing that i may be regulated to background friend for the rest of my life. I keep on being excited for every new stage of life in hopes that maybe this loneliness will go away and I’ll finally feel enough. Pretty enough. Enough of a friend that people will want to call. And the issue is I’m not satisfied. I’m like an addict, not enjoying the moment because I’m moving on trying to replicate the next feeling. I talk to a friend, hear them talking about going to brunch and then I’m jealous and thinking why not me? Is there something about me? What do I have to change to be wanted. And now I’m trying not to change but if I’m being honest, I don’t think people want to be friends with me. I’m annoying, sensitive, hypocritical, emotional, and awkward. And I think that’s where I’m at right now. Sitting with me. I’ve tried the clothes, I’ve learned the makeup, I’ve done the lingo, I’ve changed and nothing has worked. Even when I feel enough, I go in the world and the invisibility makes me question me. I think a big problem is I don’t trust me. I don’t trust my choices, because I’ve just agreed with everyone for so long. And yes people can tell me omg you’re so beautiful you’re so lovable but am I? I walk with my friends and hear them getting picked on, and I’m there. Invisible. And yes I’m aware of how insecure I am. I am aware and I’m trying to find a therapist. I know I’m young but I just feel angry. Angry that these moments I really wanted I may never experience yet others get too. I may never experience these things of being wanted and chosen. Or even worse, I had it and couldn’t recognize it because I was looking for the next thing. Idek I try and i just feel like I’m always going to be regulated as a friend that’s there. I think about my wedding sometimes. Who will be there and sometimes it feels like there’ll be so many people there. But then I think, would they invite me to theirs? Just to hang? Do I know anything about them or do I want the illusion of love.
I’m also angry at God. For making me this way. I’m not going to lie, these past 2 (26) years just feel harder. And I just don’t know how to get better. Even when I feel good, I get a reminder that I don’t. Even my sisters. Everyone telling me I dress ugly, I don’t do my makeup correctly. Me is not good enough. I’ve been compared to people since I can remember. To the point that I wonder if people are jealous of me. The only “cool” thing I did was get to Princeton. And I don’t…I don’t know. It seems like the friends I desire, I’ll never be it. I don’t even think I know how to be q friend. Just exist. Everyone just sees me as little sis and I hate that. I don’t always need help but I don’t know how to relate. What a turn. Before I couldn’t express and now I can’t shut up. And then romantic relationships…it’s such a sore subject bc people don’t get it. I have tried and the guys I like a) never like me. They like girls that aren’t me. I feel like I have such a victim complex ugh I’d hate this person if I knew them. But all the guys I wanted have never liked me, but they’ve liked the girls I wanted to be. With the weaves, the good makeup, the Pilates a week. And I know I could be that girl. But I don’t want to be. I like my hair and wearing it the way I do. I like wearing the clothes I wear. But it just feels like another example of I’m wanted but not WANTED. I think of how I’ll probably be a bridesmaid to 2 weddings (my sisters) and that’s just by default. Honestly, I feel like a waste of space. Or actually an in between. And maybe I get so territorial. Because I know that once I fully open up, people get turned off and find an easier…better person. It happens almost every time, in college, in high school, and post. I am so aware of my flaws. That I’ll never be the friend with a bestie. I just don’t radiate that energy. And I feel so lonely. And alone and it’s a gaping hole that empty words can’t fill. I don’t want encouragement. I want to be longed and feel satisfied. And I hate that I want others to feed this insecurity but he’ll…I’ve tried. And I think when I seek God, I just…idk. I compare and think why me. I should be more grateful but it also feels like everyone just wants to advise me or tell me what I’m doing wrong. I if you had told me at 22, that I’d still be struggling with the same things. HA! Idek anymore. I can’t kill my self bc…sin but man…if it wasn’t. Anyways, I just feel off. I dislike where I’m at and idk. No romantic relationships, I think God doesn’t like me bc why make me this way. I want to be free of this thinking. I want to be satisfied. But I also want to feel desired. And desirable. Idk I guess I just need to let go of all this stuff. Help me to believe the truth you’ve said because life hurts. Help me to be a better friend. To be a friend I desire not for gain but show your love. Same with being a good daughter and sister and church sister. Idk. Show me the path. Even if I moved out of nyc to random ass Texas it’ll be the same story. I’ll say oh I should’ve moved here earlier everyone has their groups. The truth is, nothing will change until I transform. Lord deliver me. All I seem to do is hurt me and myself. Give me a sound mind. Silence the noise in my mind so I can hear you. I want to love me and see me the way you do. And be content in you. But I really don’t see it. I’m thinking about my 21 and how bad it was and how I keep pushing. I wish I could redo my teens and 20s. My foundation. I just feel like I jumped from child to adult without the development. But I’m really sad. And lonely. And feel unseen by everyone and misunderstood .
Will this ever go away? or will I be 35 going through this while all my friends are married with children and I’ll be here crying and wondering why not me? As my friends are in relationships are starting to get married.
The Lord will fight for me. I need to be still. So I guess mind. Be still. I don’t know. I just don’t see the beauty in life. And everyone says suffering is Godly, but is this what God wants? Disappointment in the name of Christ? Insecurities and constantly wondering why I’m created this way? I pray that I be the version of me he created me to be and if this is it…well damn. I guess I may be sad all my life.
Goodness and mercies are running after me. And I just feel sad. I get sad thinking m parents may not be alive to meet my husband or kiss.. or that it’ll never happen. Not because I don’t want it to. I’m just not desired in that way. I think I need a break from life. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to be a permanent break. So…
Huh. I’m really angry. and feel abandoned. and forgotten. And these are childhood scars. So… what do I do now? I’ve prayed for a therapist. I want to be better. I want to have self-love and love myself so much that the world can’t take it. But it’s not working. and I want it to. So bad. I want the anxiety and insecurities to go away. And here we are.
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