This is Me: Finding My Voice

So.

Today was interesting. I had a very honest and intimate dinner with a friend, and it made me contemplate and feel a lot.

Like I’ve said in past blogs, I’m working on this self-love journey. And something I’m realizing is I choose sadness. I was unemployed for 15 months and I have a job. That isn’t perfect but is good. And I can’t even relish in that. Instead, I’m moving over to the next part of my life that isn’t perfect.

It’s like I choose sadness and being in a storm before I’m actually in one. And I don’t know why. Is it because it’s comfortable? Am I uncomfortable with joy? Do I like to self sabotage?

Proverbs 15:15 TPT says Everything sees to go wrong when you feel weak and depressed. But when you choose to be cheerful, every day will bring you more and more joy and fullness.

Feelings v. choce. And I’m not saying that sadness and depression and anger isn’t right. I think it’s saying that despite the depression, you have to choose joy and cheerfulness. Anyone who has expereinced depression knows that at times it doesn’t feel like a choice. External and internal cirumstances can make it inevitable. But choosing cheerfulness and joy. I also don’t think you can do that without the Holy Spirit.

It’s hard to choose joy and happiness. And I think something I had to sit with is what if when I ask, I don’t get it in big ways but in the small things. Maybe the train came on time. Maybe a friend sent a thinking of you text.

Sigh. Right now I feel myself slipping. And I know it’s partly because I’m not talking to God. It’s also partly because I’m looking at my life as a to do list. What’s next ? What haven’t I accomplished? What’s missing?

I feel lonely. But I don’t know if I feel lonely because I do or because I’m bored or because society is telling me. Sometimes I feel like I get a crush because I want to feel rejected/confirm that I’m not loved. Which isn’t true. I have a crush on someone right now (which is a lack of info) and while they’re attractive, sometimes I wonder if it’s because I know they don’t like me. So, it’s confirmation. And it’s kind of self-deprecating.

Wait, do I use crushes as a way to self-sabotage my happiness? Because what if they do have a crush on me? What if people have crushes on me the way I have on others? And my friend was encouraging me to go on bumble. And I didn’t want to say that half the reason I don’t want to is because that weird rejection when the guys I desire don’t desire me And I already compare myself too much to people.

Lol I’m reminded of that Perks of being a wallflower quote: We accept the love we think we deserve. I guess I think I deserve to be neglected or rejected. Because the friends who love me openly, I treat sparingly and the ones who are aloof I put all my energy in. Sigh

I need to be intentional about loving myself so I can accept love well. And love others well. And have boundaries. So, I can choose happiness, choose joy, and cheerfulness.

God, hep me to stop self-sabotaging. Help me to see myself the way you see me. Help me to stop acting like I’m in a storm before I am. Please let me have boundaries so I can love the friends you’ve placed in my lives and do it well.