I think I’m in an interesting crossroad. Because I still acknowledge that God is good and will always show gratitude to Him. But I genuinely hate this path that I’m on in regards to relationships. It’s tiring never feeling understood. Or being seen. Sometimes I feel like God has answered my prayers with a friend and then I realize oh wait I they’re very important to me I’m just not to them. And then I see people with their groups and their meals and brunch and having someone to discuss shows and then I realize the sad truth again. That I’m all alone. That if I don’t engage, I won’t chat. That I have to always reach out to maintain. And now. I don’t know. It feels like a punishment. I know it’s not true, but it feels like God hates me. I thought this would get better when I went to hs. Actually hs was the most fun bc I did have that. Huh maybe I’ve been chasing that high. Bc in college, I felt so small and forgotten. And now I’m 26 and realizing how little and unimportant I am. Like yea people love me but there’s a difference between being loved and being valued. And I’m just not valued the same. And I hate this. If it wasn’t a sin, id end this. But I can’t. So I now have to live with this pain until God either decides to end my misery or death. Soo… here we are. And everyone will assure me. But I know what happens. People try but we’re not compatible, and then they find their significant others or more compatible friends and I’m left how I’m feeling again. And it’s just a cycle. Except that it is getting more and more painful. I think that I’m easy to like but hard to love. And once oeoole see me they’d rather set distance. Right now I’m 26, most of my friends aren’t married but dating. Imagine in 10 years, 20 years when they start to have kids, grandkids. And I’m still alone. With friends but not prioritized. It’s just me and God. He said it’s not good for man to be alone and I guess im the example of that verse. Lucky me. Haha. I don’t know how to talk to my family and let them know. With my friends I talk too much but they have other priorities. Sigh.
I see everyone in their friend groups, having someone to talk to. And then I see me. I’m tired of being this caricature of younger sister who is always needing help or always going through something. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never be the friend who’ll be in gc or go on girls trips and maybe I need to be ok with being alone. And enjoying my friendships/relationships knowing that they’ll do those friendships things with others and I’ll never be that special to them. I’m good. Just not good enough
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