This is Me: Finding My Voice

Leadership has always scared me. I’ve never wanted to be in the spotlight. I wanted to help those in it but never wanted to be the face. I always attributed that to stage fright, to how I speak and slur words.

And some of it is insecurities of things like those and are valid. But a big portion of it if I’m being honest is I don’t want to be the face. Being the face means higher scrutiny, higher accountability, and just not being devoid of judgment.

When I became president of ASA, I thought and worried and then a scandal happened. And I had to own it, even tough I wasn’t the one who did it. Because I’m president. I’m the face. And I learned, I grew and am grateful for that experience.

But leadership in church/ministry leadership. That’s a different beast. And I think it’s because I don’t want to be anyone’s moral compass. All those other clubs, no one expected me to be their guide. I could do whatever without worrying about how people perceive me. If someone saw me drinking or kissing or cursing or whatever without being worried about being perceived.

And I’m not saying that’s what I’m doing or what to do. I think I want the freedom to make mistakes. to be human. And I don’t know if that’s freedom or bondage. And I guess, the underlying things is I don’t want to be held accountable by the public. By people who aren’t walking and doing life with me.

I think there’s also a selfish approach. I’m still in my 20s. And I think about the things that I want to have the luxury of doing without thinking about being perceived. I want to be able to bar hop with my friends. I want to be able to just have the freedom to live a human life without the public scrutiny and fallback.

James 3:1-2 states that 1Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

Luke 12:48 shows that ^“… Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.”

All this to say, when you’re perceived more, there is more expected of you.

And yet…

Who am I to say no to God? And if I am called to this position, this role, God knows better? Matthew 6:33 states to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. I need to seek God’s kingdom first. Not when it conveniences me, or when I’ve done all my “sinning”. 1 John 2:17 says The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Ultimately I think that’s it. I think there’s both feelings are valid. Personal feelings of sadness and feelings of being left behind. I’ve been on the other hands of Christians feeling like they’re “too holy” to hang with friends that they think are of the world. I know that feeling of sadness and judgment and I don’t want to push that on others.

But maybe this isn’t judgment, but growth. There has to be a way to be in community and not abandon it?

I haven’t even thought about leadership. I think I also have a high expectation of my leader’s and don’t want to be a hypocrite. Especially prayer. I have to be disciplined. And right now I’m not. How can I be a leader of prayerif my prayer life sometimes just is saying my prayers?

I don’t want to bite more than I chew. I don’t want to fail the prayer misnitry. I don’t want to disobey God.

I’m scared of growing and what I have to shed to continue growing. I’ve lost so many relationships already for being me. For my personality. My church has been a consistent place of community, a safe place, a refuge. I don’t want to lose that based off of y humaness.

At the same time…

I just feel like we can be doing so much with prayer. Our church needs prayer, not as a place to ask but a way to feel God’s love and be in communication. Like did God make us humans solely to chastise us and judge us? No. God strives for a relationship with us with love as the baseline. I’ts because of sin that we have wrath. And it’s because of God’s love that we have grace and mercy. 1 Corinthians 13:1-2 says 1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. I think a core part of prayer ministry is knowing what our community needs prayer for. And that calls being a part of the community.

I was watching a sermon on Psalm 85. And it talked about how evangelizing is for non-believers and revival is for believers. And how revival isn’t a one time thing but we as Christians should constantly be praying for revival. And revival is enjoying Gods presence. It’s experiencing true joy and affirming God’s goodness. It’s obeying God’s wisdom and experiencing God. It’s expecting God’s blessings.

If we focus so much on one aspect, we’re missing so many other crucial aspects of God that he wants us to see. God does judge and he doesn’t want us to sin. And I’m not affirming sin. But God also affirms us and assures us of who we are in Him. And if he does that, why can’t we? I don’t know. Sometimes I get frustrated because I think that people believe that being on the prayer ministry means casting out demons or performing miracles. But I don’t see it as that. We are God’s mouthpiece. And God is love so our prayers should also have love as the source of it. If we’re casting out demons, it should be because that’s what God desires but more important, let’s pray for their heart first. I don’t know. I just don’t want prayer to become performative or prideful. I want us to truly be a model of God’s love. Sometimes prayer feels selfish. we on pray about our needs, our desires, our wants. Is that what Jesus would want? 4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7

In conclusion. I think I recognized through this blog that I was selfish. It’s ok to lament over what i might be missing out, I believe I should (very human of me). But at the end of the day, Jesus over everything. I don’t want that to just be a saying, but for it to actually be my heart posture. I don’t even know if this is what God has called me for in this season. Even though I’m out of the unemployment season (and we thank God!) I don’t forget how many jobs I thought were the one that wasn’t.

So, what’s the cost of the oil God is asking me to give? What’s my alabaster and will I give everything? Will I trust that some friends may not understand but the ones he’s called will stay? What if this season is showing me what selflessness looks like? But also, not being in places that tempts me to sin? What is this is a season of boundaries. Of truly being intentional about everything? About discerning what’s right. Right now, fasting and consecrating of Saturdays on the days I am serving on prayer is already a lot. Am I scared of what else God is asking me to put down.

I’ll say yes God. With my whole heart. If that’s your desire. Let me trust God with my whole heart and in these times are hard and confusing, let me lean on you and not my understanding of people, of things. Let your word be a lamp to my feet and a light on my path. And if this is where you’ve called me, show me and make it clear. Let me come with a clear heart and humility to know that you are the potter and I am the clay.

Thanks for your love. Let me exhibit that well.