This is Me: Finding My Voice

I wonder who we’d be to each other if we met today.

Would we be closer because there’s less insecurity from me? Less relying on you to be a role you never asked to be?

Would we be farther apart, because I wasn’t so focused on growing our relationship?

Should I trust that everything happens for a reason. That maybe we aren’t meant to be as close friends as my heart desire.

But still…
I wish you could know this version of me. The more self assured me.
This version of me that has really valued finding love in self rather than others.

Sometimes when I reflect on our friendship, it feels like a growing list of apologies and gratitude.

Sorry for the entitlement, but grateful for your patience in me.
Sorry for the anxiousness, but grateful for your consistency

Hmmm

Is this healthy? For me to regret heavily my past selves and behavior in relationships?
Is this growth or self-hatred?

I guess the self-love journey is still a jounrey.
I guess our relationship, with as much joy as it brings, also brought me so insecurities.

Insecurities that I’m too much. That I bring all my flaws.
That I’m easily forgotten
And I guess in me wanting to show up in our relationship now
there’s still a part of me that’s insecure about who I am.

A part of me that still wants to be worthy of your love
Showing you how much I’ve changed.
Choose me! Want me! Love me!
Writing it out loud makes it seem pathetic.

I can’t make you love me, but it does feel nice to be chosen.
Maybe the problem is you’re choosing me in a way that doesn’t feel like love but is.
But love is a choice.

Forgive me, friend. For putting expectations on you that you never asked to carry.
For putting my abandonment and insecurities on you and expecting you to be my Savior. My saving grace. MY confirmation that there’s nothing wrong with me. Is that fair to be inconsiderate of you and your feelings and wants in the relationship?

Is that the purpose of friendship? To validate our own wants? To push us? Or to make us feel a fraction of the love that’s available.

Sigh. This self-love journey hurts. It feels like when I’m 2 steps forwards something shows up that makes me want to take 3 steps back.

But maybe this is what a journey is. Not a linear line, but one of highs and lows. The point is not to stop.

So, friend. I do wish we were closer. But I love you. For who you are. Maybe one of the reasons I am hypersensitive about our relationship is it feels like a mirror to me. Of my flaws, of my desires. But also, what I could be. Maybe we’re too similar, maybe we’re not similar enough. Maybe you’re a latch that I just happened to get attached to. Maybe I have an addictive personality I don’t know.

When I was younger, I would watch all these shows about sisterhood and laughing until you can’t breathe. I’d see them randomly pop up in their houses or randomly buy food or go on extravaganzas. And I wanted that. I still want that.

But I don’t think it’s fair to push my desires on you. I think I need to enjoy the present instead of trying to change the past.

I do miss those laughs. Those moments when I felt seen and loved. I also hoped you felt the same. I don’t know why I’m writing this like we’re not friends. It’s just…different. I’ve never liked change, but change is necessary for evolution and maybe also in relationships.

I guess I’m scared that you won’t still know me. Or that you don’t want to. That you’ll use space as an excuse to vanish. Maybe I’m being scared. Maybe I’m justified. It’s probably a bit of both.

I wish you could know me. But I wish I could know you too. More intitmately. But is that just entitlement. Control of your choices? Why can’ we be on the same page. Why does it feel like I miss you more than you miss me?

It’s weird. Sighhh. No one prepared me for relationships when nothing doesn’t happen, you just…fall off. Even when you don’t want

It may not always be this way. And I’m willing and able. But I’m also able and willing to adapt