Happy MLK Jr Day! I pray his dream someday becomes our reality, but we will continue to work for your kingdom.
Sooo, these were the songs today. Feels like you had a point about obedience and yes. Hmm.
It’s so interesting because I feel like you’re trying to prepare me before I have to say the yes or it has come. I think this is about the job.
There’s 2 jobs I’m interviewing for. One in North Carolina and one in Virginia. They would both require me to move out. And it’s so funny, I was like praying with worry about how I would deal with my rent and all these things….I haven’t even heard back yet. I also haven’t interviewed with one of them. But it feels like this is the job.
But I’ve also had these feelings with other jobs and they weren’t it so who knows lol. Maybe this is my Abraham and Isaac moment that God just wants to see my heart and that I’m willing to obey and he’ll open a door in New York. Maybe this is the closing of a door in New York. I don’t know.
What I do know is that even in my worry and fear I’ll say yes. Because I trust him. It’s also weird, because if I don’t get one of these jobs I feel like I’ll be sad because jobless longer, so this is all very…
I will not act with the spirit of fear, but I will press forward despite my emotions. So, if you say move, I will move and go somewhere new. It’s also funny because when I was very young, I used to live in North Carolina. And I was so sad, but I always believed I’ll be back in North Carolina. I thought I’d go there for undergraduate, and when that didn’t happen, I thought maybe grad school. But what if it’s now? And what if it’s more permanent than I believe. And that scares me.
Because I’m comfortable. I got my people. I feel more spiritually involved in my church. But maybe it’s time. And maybe it’s not who knows?
All I know is that God is good. In the waiting he is good. When my bank account is gone, he is good. It’s been over 9 months of no job, but he is good.
Also, God was talking to me about me acting like a Pharisee. I’ve been watching The Chosen (it’s sooo good after episode 4) and one thing that’s been really hitting is the way the Pharisees acted. Especially in thinking that God has to fit in these boxes that us humans have put him. One aspect was them thinking Jesus couldn’t be the Messiah because he was in human form and in Exodus 33:20 ESV he says
But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live.”
Basically, by upholding the laws, they were putting God in a box. And it made me think? Am I letting God be God or am I putting God in a box of what’s acceptable and holy. And am I judging the person where God can only do that because he sees heart.
It was convicting, to say the least.
Now, I need to sleep because I have a substitute job tomorrow.
But, it’s week 2 and I feel the discipline going. So I’ll need your help Holy Spirit.
Today I thank you. I forgot the song this morning (I do need to write it down, especially on busy days like today.)
Couple of things before I even went to church.
I can’t stop thinking about my friend. I don’t know why but she always gets me flustered after we speak. The worst part? We weren’t even speaking. I called her sister to wish her happy birthday, and she was there and she said hi to me. I’m legit smiling thinking about it right now. And I feel like she knows that I have a crush on her and she’s just playing with me. But I haven’t seen her face in 2 years and I become a flustered teenager in 3 seconds. But, couple of reasons why this isn’t good
Same sex attraction. I’m not denying my feelings, but I’m also not pretending they’re not a sin
I don’t know her! The only thing I know is that she makes me flustered and her eyes hold me in a trance
She doesn’t like me in that way. Anytime we text and I ask her a question, she leaves me on read…often.
She’s older than me. And doesn’t see me as any more than her little sister’s friend. Sigh
Family friend. I’ve known her all my life. And yea. It’s not a happy go story
Problem is, my brain can’t compute this. I woke up thinking about that 3 second interaction. And then I spent 40 minutes hyperventilating about why that got me giddy.
All before 10 AM.
I know I don’t like her. I don’t know anything about her to like. I don’t like the flusterdness and obsessiveness I have with her. I’m lusting after an idea of her and it’s not fair to her, but it’s also a version of her that doesn’t exist.
Anyways, I get to church. Worship was powerful. I’ve been concerned about the church, especially with what’s going on in the inside (people, laziness in correcting sin) but I had to remember that it’s God’s church. The sermon was really good too! We’re going through the sermon on the mount and this week’s topic was prayer. It was a good reminder that prayer is about making space for God to do what he wants and being in solidarity with God. It was also a good reminder to make sure I’m not thinking of myself like the Pharisees and being humble.
Surprise surprise! I got invited to a dance class and when I tell you that worked me out! Hit my move circle on my watch and everything. But it was also a good reminder to take advantage of the opportunities in New York. But I am soreeeeee. And also shout out to you God because I really did pray that I wouldn’t faint because I’m not eating and you answered that prayer.
Unfortunately, some hard conversations. A friend that I considered one of my closest friends let me know that she doesn’t see us as that close. It was a hard conversation that I initiated but necessary. I guess I’m just spiraling because (and this is going to sound corny) it feels that once people get close to me, they find someone better and stop being friends with me. It’s like I’m a placeholder until they find a better friend. People that I consider close don’t consider me the same. And that hurts. And I know there’s a myriad of reasons, but it doesn’t take away from the pain.
I think what’s especially painful is I’m willing to do the work. To have calls and hang out and travel. They’re just not. And I’ll admit sometimes I’m a little jealous. I’m jealous of people who have close friend groups after high school or college. I know I’m supposed to be satisfied but I’m just tired of feeling disappointed in myself and that I’m a letdown.
It also makes me desire a relationship. I don’t want to idolize it, but it would be nice to have a person. Someone who’s committed to me and that values me everyday.
My emotions seem to be on a rollercoaster. So happy one day, so sad the next. Stability is the goal lol.
Sigh, I’m extremely tired so hopefully I can sleep before 12.
You really work God. Shortly after that, one of my friends called and we talked. About a lot of things (not my feelings). But I felt seen and loved. It even resulted in another blog post (One Body)
Another friend texted me asking how I was. And that was my day.
I really didn’t do anything today except rest. And I feel rejuvenated. One frustrating thing was that I have a flare up in my armpit. It’s calm right now but it may be painful tomorrow. It’s funny because a couple of months ago I told God that I’m healed from this. And it’s been less painful. Unfortunately, I don’t know what triggers the flare up. All I can do is pray that it breaks fast and I can be in less pain soon.
Thank you for answering my prayer. Even if it’s temporary I feel good and at peace.
I am loved, I am desired, I am not a failure. I am worthy.
‘And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” ‘ Matthew 16:18-19 ESV
The Church.
One of God’s most underrated miracles. A place for people of all forms of life to dwell together and be in community with. A place where people grow together and help each other to be the versions of ourselves that God aspires us to be, while worshipping and honoring God and him dwelling in the sanctuary. A please that we can mourn out loud, celebrate out loud, and be our authentic versions.
Sounds too good to be true. At times it feels like it.
I grew up in church. I have felt pain and hurt because of the people in church. I wanted to emphasize that it was the people and not God. Because God didn’t hurt me. The people did. And that hurt has unknowingly glazed my eyes with what behavior is acceptable in church. And God, in his love, has been patiently showing and revealing and teaching me things in the church and my life that I’ve been neglecting because of my hurt. And I guess I want to take some place to gather my thoughts and really breakdown what’s going on currently in my church and the big Church.
Phrases such as “God is Love” and “Only God can judge me” as well as “Love the sinner hate the sin” have made very toxic
And I’m not saying this as a way to judge (and please let me know if it’s sounding Pharisees/Sadducees like). We are all flawed, whether we are saved or not. I think I’m just trying to bring up conversations about things that we may be sweeping under the rug that we shouldn’t be so we can glorify God.
Purpose of Church
‘And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles.
And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need.
And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people.
And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.’ Acts 2:42-47 ESV
2. One Body: Are We?
I love my church. I think it’s a great place and I’ve grown since I came in 2022. But recently, I’ve started to listen to the Spirit. I’m also thinking out loud so excuse the lack of structure
Types of Christians (Not All Obviously)
The Lazy Christian
I think a big danger in Christianity is being complacent. But a bigger danger is being satisfied in our relationship with God and not listening to the Holy Spirit with our convictions.
It’s not just laziness. I feel like some Christians are cosplaying baby Christians to avoid growing. Like they know what to do but they’re using “I’m new to the faith” as an excuse to not grow or press in with God. Meanwhile, there are Christians who got saved later and are more intimate with God.
It feels as if sometimes we don’t want to grow deeper with God because it means that we’d have to give up our sins or it’ll take more work.
The danger with this is that the behavior can encourage others (especially new Christians) to also stay stagnant.
I’m also pondering the role of the church in this. Yes, the pastor can preach about not doing sin but what does that look like on the daily? And what about if all of the congregation is complacent in being lazy. Acts 2 said that the people were the ones devoting themselves to the apostles’ teachings. The people were the one who was breaking bread and praying together. Not the apostles.
I guess my question is what do we do when the congregation is full of “Lazy Christians”. Maybe a better question is what would Christ do?
‘For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.’ Hebrews 5:12-14 ESV
What good is it if we act like we are kindergarteners when we’re supposed to be in college? Yes, there are levels, but at some point we must graduate. How does the church navigate that?
I think the big danger in this one is that it leads to things like correction being taken as judgment. And if we can’t correct then how can we ensure growth?
“Baby” Christian
These are people who are new to the faith but are afraid to speak on their experiences.
But more specifically, those who feel afraid to say anyone because they think they are too new or fresh to contribute anything.
1 Timothy 4:12 says “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” Although he was talking about physical age, I believe this can also apply to spiritual age as well. God uses who he chooses to use, and we shouldn’t think that we can’t be significant because we haven’t been a
Yes, there are people who have lived life with God and have substantial wisdom, but we should also not discourage new Christians to speak. I’m not saying they should be pastors or leaders. What I am saying is that they should be able to discuss their experiences in Jesus.
The Holy Spirit doesn’t come when we have been saved for a certain amount of time. It comes when we receive Jesus as our savior. So why then are we limiting them (externally or internally) and making them believe that their voice doesn’t matter? Or that their perspectives mean less.
What is the role of the church with new believers? Not only to guide them and grow them but also to make their voice seem important?
Pharisees
This one is interesting. Because it’s been around since before Jesus’ time.
I think the danger is how people disguise their judgment as love. When it’s not. What it actually judgment is a way to bring a Christian hierarchy of betterness. They believe they are better because they don’t participate in that sin (normally external) while ignoring the own sin in their life. And they will acknowledge that they have sin, but still use it as a way to judge (I know I have my own sin but…”) It’s also interesting because more often than not, they don’t have a relationship with the people they’re judging.
The thing is, the Pharisees sometimes forget that they can’t determine someone’s salvation. Only Jesus can. And what’s more, what is their fruit saying?
I’m not even saying that they are intentionally trying to judge, I’m saying that consistently looking at others sin without looking at your own is bad but will also bring divisiveness in the church
“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. – Matthew 7:1-5 ESV
Because what happens is that we start to idolize other Christians or churches saying, “that’s what we’re supposed to do, that’s what wrong with us Christians…”. Ignoring that they as humans are still sinners and are not perfect. And when we exalt people, we are always going to be let down.
I think a question is how we can consistently as a church does not participate in judgment but in correcting in love.
Because even with relationships outside of church, we have to confront people who do wrong. Sometimes it feels like we go to two extremes (ignore the sin or overly judge harder than Christ would)
Iniquity clothed as authenticity
This one is hard. I think God created all of us with different personalities and gifts. And sometimes people’s personalities get categorized as sinful because it doesn’t fit their mold of what they believe Christians should look/act like. So, people are afraid to be authentically themselves in fear of getting pegged as unchristian. (I’m thinking of how people think
I do feel, however, that sometimes people take advantage of that and lead sinful lives in the name of authenticity. We are supposed to be consecrated, and everyone has different personal convictions.
Being a Christian doesn’t mean we’re devoid of a personality or we’re holy rollers. It does mean we have different standards to submit to than the rest of the world who don’t know Christ. But we can’t let sin become our identity and claim that’s authenticity. That’s not freedom, but bondage.
3. What’s Next?
So, what do we do? And why is this even important? Because we are one body in Christ. And when there’s conflict with one person, that brings conflict within the entire body. Because like it or not, just because people may be in the categories above, that doesn’t mean they’re no longer Christian. So, we have to figure out how to navigate this and push ourselves to be not who we want to be, but who God wants us to be. A better question way is how do we navigate correcting people in love and how do we get out of these categories? And how do we live authentically in Christ while still honoring God the way he made us? I don’t know. Teehee. But the gates of Hell won’t prevail. And these divisive things, I pray God will turn them around and bring unity to his bride.
In my previous post, I mentioned how I was bored. Well, I spoke too soon because soon a new emotion came in the nighttime: hopelessness. And I think even beyond hopelessness anger at myself. I feel like a waste of space.
I know I’m not, but that’s my feeling right now. I don’t know. It’s Friday night and I’m at home, haven’t spoken to anyone or have any plans. And I was ok with that, but I feel like I’m wasting life.
I just feel like there’s something wrong with me. I mentioned the friend who ghosted me in college. I don’t know if I can’t read humans because that happens more often. Or I think I’m closer friends with someone than we are. Anyways I get ignored, ghosted a lot. And yes, I can blame it on people but if it happens numerous times, it’s a pattern right?
I don’t know, I cried about it a lot. I feel like a failure in a lot of aspects. But I think the scarier emotion is that I feel like a waste of space. I’m wasting my 20s, my youth because I don’t know what I’m doing. And I feel ashamed.
Most times I don’t mind being alone. Until it turns into loneliness. And fear that it will always be like this. that I’m meant to do life alone. I guess that’s why whenever someone mentions dating or marriage with me. I just can’t see it. And to be honest I don’t think others can either. It feels like I’m the exception. And with friends? I’m always there but never chosen, y’know. Like never the one asked on a trip, or to hang randomly. always a guest never a bridesmaid (lol) I’m on the list but never chosen.
I wish I was like those people who knew what they wanted to be since 6 or they had a close-knit friend group that they do trips with. But I’m not.
And if I’m being honest, I think I hate myself for not being like that. I hate myself for being like…this
Here comes the tears.
I don’t want to hate myself. I want to love myself. But that feeling that I’m a waste is just nagging on me.
I don’t know what you’re doing God but I’m here.
Help me to see myself and love myself the way you see me. Because right now I’m filled with shame and sadness and just hatred.
So it was really interesting. This is the first time that when I slept multiple songs were playing (like a radio). I don’t remember the rest of thet songs, but this was the one that was on my heart when I wake up. The lyric that really hits home is “I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord”.
This will be pretty short compared to the others because nothing much happened today. Slept very late (past 3 again) and woke up later than I wanted. I couldn’t get out of my bed, however, because I was so tired and exhausted. I had originally planned to go to the gym, but I wanted to honor my body so i just rested.
I heard back from a job though! I made it…to the next round. There’s so many rounds lol. But I’m grateful for the opportunity. I also cooked. Which took a long time lol. I was wondering how I would do it because I’m not eating, but the food took so long that by the time it was time to taste, it was past 6 which yay!.
That’s really all I did today. Oh! Some things
I read about Joseph’s sons: Ephraim and Manasseh. It was interesting seeing why some scholars think Ephraim represents gentiles. His descendants had the birthright but they also fell into sin and idolatry that had disastrous results. It makes me more grateful that Jesus came and died for us. But it also made me realize how easy it is to sin. Like lol duh but even the ones who think they’d never sin sometimes fall into it. It just reminds me to be humble and lean on God in every situation but also to have sympathy for others in their journey.
I also thought of someone I hadn’t thought of in a long time. And that really hurt. To keep it short, we were friends in college (she was a year older than me, so she graduated first). And when she graduated, she ghosted me. I would text, no answer. And this was in 2021 (so like 5 years ago). And it still hurts. What makes it worse was that it felt like we were good friends and then the ghosting. It felt like I was not even valued enough as a friend to even say why. Like I was not important.
I was having a conversation with a friend and she mentioned church hurt. And I realized that one of my fears with making friends in church that they would either see me as a mentee but never a friend or a friend and I’d never be close because they would leave me for more intimate relationships and forget/neglect me.
I obviously have abandonment issues.
It’s not the story of how you get in but the testimony of getting out.
I also got called out during my devotional about how when God gives favor towards someone, what is our heart posture. They brought up David and the different reactions Jonathan and Saul had. It humbled me because I definitely have been more bitter instead of a heart of gratitude.
Not having other things makes me realize why I sin so much when I’m bored. Because I’m bored. Like right now, I;m horny, but I can’t do anything about that physicallly (cause I ain’t got no man/sin) or read/watch (sin). But it’s a biological resposne. And normally, I’d distract myself with somehing else like a show or media but not today. Today I feel the feelings of wanting someone and also being scared of having a relationship becuase I may sin.
Hopefully, tomorrow is a lot more chill and I do something. I need to exercise. And I want sweets sooooo bad. I really may have asugar addiction wow. welp…
I pray that you will reveal the breakthrough in boredom.
‘Have seven priests carry trumpets of rams’ horns in front of the ark. On the seventh day, march around the city seven times, with the priests blowing the trumpets. ‘ Joshua 6:4
Dear God,
Thank you for today. The song when I woke up was “what a God extended” (very specific I know). The entire song is powerful but the part that I love was when they start doing the medley with Great is they faithfulness. “All I have needed thy hands have provided”. It was a good reminder that even though I have a lot of desires, God has provided me with everything I need right now.
After the blog post yesterday, I read on Issachar and Zebulun. Not much on them except that they were seamen and scholars. I think what’s been really interesting is Leah’s role in this. Especially with the origin of their names. Their names came because she felt as if she got over Rachel and had finally won favor in Jacob’s eyes. Unlike Judah’s name, it wasn’t really about giving praise to God, but about besting Rachel. It’s so funny how much God uses siblings to showcase human relationship but also sin and the impact of it. We see how Leah’s pride continues to deepen the fracture within her and Rachel’s relationship, but also how Jacob showing Rachel favoritism over Leah brough upon this wedge. Really interesting.
Anyways, this fast. I woke up in so much soreness. First off I woke up 50 minutes after my alarm. Because I went to sleep at 330 am. Why? I’m not sure. I think that somehow because I’m doing a dry fast until 6pm, in my head, my life doesn’t start until 6. Which isn’t true. But somehow, I’m still up at 2AM and don’t feel tired. And to make matters worse, I’m trying to get more active so I wake up sore and tired and I can’t eat. And then the temptation is the sweets. Because even when 6 hits and I can eat, I’m not eating sweets (or soda). And I crave something sweet. Soo bad. Ugh just even writing about it makes me want. Envisioning ice cream on a cake with some chocolate (I’m just being honest here!). But, I know that my flesh is truly weak. And that I’m getting closer to you.
But I spent good time with you this morning. Going into Psalm 25. One thing that I caught was in v. 4 when it says:
"Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths."
- Psalm 25:3 ESV
Another version says show me your ways. But I was really sitting on the difference between make/show and teach. Show basically means to reveal why teach is to guide instruct. Another way is that God will be there explicitly guiding us (so it’s not instantaneous). Whereas make can be immedidate. I thought that was really cool
I did a couple of things today that scared me but I think you’d be proud of. I sent a vn to a friend asking what our relationship was (ie is this just a time where we don’t talk as much). I think I just wanted clarification and to stop beating myself up because I had.
I also serve on the hospitality team at church. And one of the things I’ve been feeling was complacent. Like I wasn’t really doing it through the holy spirit but thru my will. And the Lord brought me to when Abraham was hospitable towards the stranger and the blessing that followed. Anyways, the scary thing was that I sent what God said to our hospitality team groupchat (I don’t like being perceived). I’ll share a bit of excerpt because I feel like I’m actually fully obeying God’s voice more and more because I’m hearing it clearer which is making me joyous.
…Yes, we serve coffee and greet people, but we are also a reflection of God’s hearts towards people (especially visitors). We are people’s first point of contact with xxx (church’s name) but also could be people’s first experience with God and church and I don’t want to take that lightly. I feel like we really embody Yahweh Roi (the God who sees) and we get to see those who feel unseen by others and may feel unseen by God in their current season and remind them that they are valuable and God loves them with a smile or a hey.
If it was up to me, I’d be silent, but I did. I’ve also been trying to be more active, so with the fast I’ve been going on walks. And the spirit told me to do a prayer walk for my Church and walk there. A little backstory. We currently rent so our church is actually in a school. Which I think is really cool because we can bless the school directly. And we have (Coat drives, back to school supplies), Anyways, I was a little scared because I didn’t know if school was still in session, but who am I to say no. And everyone needs prayer, but I feel like my church is going through warfare right now and really needs intercession. There’s a spirit of mediocrity, being satisfied in their sin and not pursuing more intimacy with God. And there’s also little transparency and communication. I fear there’s a lot of cracks and there is temporary solutions for very real problems and I pray that God restores the church and we’ll be aligned with what God wants for us. So, I walk to the school (25-minute walk). It’s also freezing and I’m freezing. (I want to set the scene right). I get to the school and all of a sudden God tells me. This is our Jericho walk around 7 times for victory.
Now, I’m scared out of my mind. 1) what if the kids see me and think I’m a creep because I’m hanging around 2) Will my knees survive (bad knees) 3) Is this really God’s voice or mine 4) Will this bring victory?
But as I’m thinking of my fears (and probably trying to add more) The Joshua verse comes to mind and I feel peace. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” – Joshua 1:9 ESV
So, I walked. Hit 4 miles. And on the last lap I played the song Jericho by Paul Tomisin. And I believed in victory for my church. And I do believe that victory will happen, whatever that looks like. Even if it means pruning. Even if I’m not there to see the victory.
And here we are now. I’m about to end my day with some situps and plank. But I pray that I continue to listen to your voice and believe that my actions bring change because you are with me and using me as a vessel.
I love being your daughter and I love that I am hearing your voice clearly (through songs and voice)
This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength - Nehemiah 8:10
Dear God,
Today I woke up with the song “joy” on my heart by Chandler Moore and Israel Houghton (up above). And today I decided that was going to be my mantra. I wanted today to be full of joy. I have a lot of worries, lots of struggles, lots of fears, but today? I just wanted to let God’s joy overrule my emotions.
Anyways, that’s what I did. I had a tutoring session and the student didn’t show up. And then I had an interview. I had one yesterday and that went terribly lol. They emailed me today saying that I didn’t get it (mind you they had already scheduled the 2 other interviews). But I didn’t let the result of the other interviews derail me (for once). I remember praying to you before and I felt so much peace throughout the interivew and even after. It didn’t make sense but I felt like God truly was in control. I don’t know if I’ll get the interview, I won’t even hear back until next Wednesday lol. But today, today? I’m just going to be full of joy.
After the interview, I went on a walk. A longgggg walk (and got my eyebrows done in between). And all i did was listen to gospel just praising God. And that was amazing. I danced so much and was just walked and moved and just thanked God. Because, I’m truly just grateful. And my heart is full of flesh and adoration and awe. I danced so much that my knees started to hurt lol. But I want that to be my heart posture. just full of gratitude. And I finished my laundry.
I also started the Chosen. Before episode 5 (when they meet Jesus), a little slow. But now, it’s picked up and it’s really good and interesting.
But now another thing arose. I’m doing a dry fast from 6-6 and also not doing social media and no sweets and I realized something. I use social media to distract but also to connect. I have this bible study that I don’t enjoy. There’s just people there that I think use it as therapy and take a lot of space in it. And normally I go on social media, but today I couldn’t. And I’m also realizing how much of my time I divvy up. Like I’m always on 2 devices. and I’m wondering what it would look like to give my full attention to God. I also use sweets to distract from my emotions. And boredom is an emotion that I want to be distracted from…a lot. And I don’t know what to do. Because there’s still 18ish days of this fast left. Like
But also, I feel like we have strayed from calling each other out as Christians. Like it’s not supposed to be bad because if we don’t that’s where bad theology arises. sigh. idk. sometimes we’re too afraid to be unliked and we need to correct with love.
Overall though this was a day full of joy. I even just got off the phone with a good friend and we caught up (while also discussing the oscar/golden globes). I’m a movie buff.
I’m reading psalm 25 and analyzing the 12 sons/tribes of Jacob. Today is Issacar. I haven’t read it yet but I’m realizing this can also be a space to reflect that. I also reflected on the country (United States). I pray that revival happens, but also full repentance occurs. And for that to occur there needs to be accountability. I think we have evaded that and have manipulated ourselves into believing lies because it’s easier than dealing with the truth. But I do pray that you will have mercy on us. And that we will be peacemakers, not through war but love. But we need your help and revival. More than ever.
And things are so expensive, and it feels so hopeless. But I hope that you’ll change our name and we’ll become hopeful.
Another thing is that I keep on having these daydreams of me on the altar praying and people are coming to the altar, and the Holy Spirit is in the church. I’m not sure if that’s a desire of my flesh or from you. I feel like it’s my flesh because it’s centering me but then also you because it’s showing my potential. I don’t know, i don’t want to do it if it glorifies me but I also don’t want to disobey you.
Thank you that you are the joy of my strength. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds.
You are funny. I felt better today (no song in my heart that I woke up to) but I did get extremely sad during the day. This also wasn’t good because I had a case interview (I thought it was behavaioral lolll).
I just can’t shake the failure feeling off. I do need to. I need to start saying affirmations to myself.
I am enough. I am worthy. I am loved. I am not forgotten. I am not a failure. God loves me.
I keep on beating myself up but I am growing.
Anyways I got 2 surprise calls! Crazy. One to reaffirm me and then one to have a tough/good convo in. And I thank you God because you showed up both times. The first call forcd me out of my place to feel the sun. That resulted in me going to the grocery store and getting dinner. (food is so expensive sighh). The second one was with a long distance friend and have a tough conversation. and i appreciated it
It was also funny because it was a complaint and after the call I saw that it was just miscommunication on both ends. But i will be better. and I’m glad I got it out and that she called me.
I also am dramatic as heck. lol. I need to trust you, but I also think there is beauty in giving it to you. giving the screams and the fear and the concerns. There’s a freedom in casting all my cares on to you (even the ones I find dramatic)
I did have a worship session where I was just sitting in worship. One song that really resonated with me was Maverick City “For My Good”. I do have to remember…if only I knew back then what I know right now. Nothing is wasted in your hands. God you didn’t forsake me and I know you never will”
I;ve also been cooking more. I made chicken stir fry today (it’s delicious). It was really hard because I’m fasting so I couldn’t taste the food. But it came out good! I’ve cooked two meals this week and haven’t ordered takeout once. Is this…growth?
If I’m being honest, I’m still scared. I have interviews tomorrow and I’m scared I’m going to fail again.
I just hope that as I continue this fast that I will lean on God and that he will show me his glory
Also I’ve been going to the gym more consistently. and it’s kind of fun. Kind of. I’m rally trying to be disciplined this year. Who knows maybe I’ll be slim thiccccccc by summer. I do hope I’m healthy overall. I always say that I want to be 75 without using a cane.
I woke up with a song: “Owe You praise” by Elevation Worship. And I guess that did set the mood. You woke me up this morning (thank you) and even if I don’t believe it my cup is overflowing.
I thank you Lord for honesty. I came to you, and you answered back. I realized I had been waiting on him to tell me instead of submitting my plans to him. I wanted him to tell me instead of giving him a roguh dragt and letting him edit it. And so I did. And that helped. I emailed some alumni who have the career I want and one even reached back. I feel like I know what I’m working towards now, which is nice. And the day actually wasn’t bad. I just needed to really really cry and stress it out.
I also dived deeper into the story of Leah, Jacob, and Rachel (study). And one thing that git me was how they each had an idol of something they couldn’t have:
Leah: Could give birth and have children (sons) but didn’t have the love of Jacob
Jacob: Idolized Rachel but was dealing with Laban
Rachel: Had the love of Jacob but couldn’t bear children
Anyways it really spoke to me because what am I idolizing so much that I can’t see that my cup overflowing with? The fast also spoke to me because I think I’m part of the problem with community.
I don’t know why but there’s a particular type of energy in the church that throws me off. When people start doing holier than thou acts (again, my interpretation). And then the irony is that I have to spend so much time because we’re serving together or something else (this is like the 4th time this has happened). It’s definitely a pride thing because no one else feels these ways about them. But I need help
Also, I feel like i keep on saying that I’m better 1:1 than in groups. I don’t like that. I feel like it’s a protective mechanism. Because even in groups I only talk to one person. Soo maybe I’m the problem. But I’m also probably overthinking. I hope I start to see my cup as half full instead of half empty.
Anyways, we’re staying consistent.
no social media
no alcohol
no sweets (candy/dessert)
dry fasting (6am-6pm no food)
I’m also working out consistently. Trying to maintain discipline. Even when I don’t feel like it.
I had a call with a friend, and she mentioned maybe theology school. Idk if I want to go back to school. I kind of just want to talk to people and figure out how we got here (the present).
I’m excited to hear from you tomorrow. I pray that I remember that you anoint my head with oil and that my cup is overflowing.
This is Me: Finding My Voice 