This is Me: Finding My Voice

Dear Abba Father,

I woke up with a song: “Owe You praise” by Elevation Worship. And I guess that did set the mood. You woke me up this morning (thank you) and even if I don’t believe it my cup is overflowing.

I thank you Lord for honesty. I came to you, and you answered back. I realized I had been waiting on him to tell me instead of submitting my plans to him. I wanted him to tell me instead of giving him a roguh dragt and letting him edit it. And so I did. And that helped. I emailed some alumni who have the career I want and one even reached back. I feel like I know what I’m working towards now, which is nice. And the day actually wasn’t bad. I just needed to really really cry and stress it out.

I also dived deeper into the story of Leah, Jacob, and Rachel (study). And one thing that git me was how they each had an idol of something they couldn’t have:

• Leah: Could give birth and have children (sons) but didn’t have the love of Jacob
• Jacob: Idolized Rachel but was dealing with Laban
• Rachel: Had the love of Jacob but couldn’t bear children

Anyways it really spoke to me because what am I idolizing so much that I can’t see that my cup overflowing with? The fast also spoke to me because I think I’m part of the problem with community.

I don’t know why but there’s a particular type of energy in the church that throws me off. When people start doing holier than thou acts (again, my interpretation). And then the irony is that I have to spend so much time because we’re serving together or something else (this is like the 4th time this has happened). It’s definitely a pride thing because no one else feels these ways about them. But I need help

Also, I feel like i keep on saying that I’m better 1:1 than in groups. I don’t like that. I feel like it’s a protective mechanism. Because even in groups I only talk to one person. Soo maybe I’m the problem. But I’m also probably overthinking. I hope I start to see my cup as half full instead of half empty.

Anyways, we’re staying consistent.

• no social media
• no alcohol
• no sweets (candy/dessert)
• dry fasting (6am-6pm no food)

I’m also working out consistently. Trying to maintain discipline. Even when I don’t feel like it.

I had a call with a friend, and she mentioned maybe theology school. Idk if I want to go back to school. I kind of just want to talk to people and figure out how we got here (the present).

I’m excited to hear from you tomorrow. I pray that I remember that you anoint my head with oil and that my cup is overflowing.

Thanks God.

Tisa Ibori