This is Me: Finding My Voice

Dear God,

Right now Naomi Raine’s song “Be with Me” is playing. She has a verse in the bridge “Fear has no choice but to bow down, darkness gives way to the light now, heaven and earth they respond to the sound, whatever I speak that’s what it’ll be.”

I’m having a hard time believing that.

I feel like a failure. I feel like a waste of space and time. Like I can’t get anything right. I don’t know.

It’s been over 9 months since I got laid off from my job. A job that I didn’t like and felt like I sucked at.

And it feels like every job alive have come in secret agreement that I suck and they won’t tell me so I can continue on this public humiliation trial.

I graduated a couple of years ago and the major I completed was not one synonymous with making money (African-American Studies). But I got a good job right after college. ANd I worked hard. And failed a lot. That job and I wasn’t compatible and I sucked at it. Made careless mistakes, didn’t visualize the data. 3 months before I left I was placing bets on how many months until they fire me. Luckily I got laid off for the severance package 🙂 ahaha I kid. They only gave 6 weeks 😦

But it’s been 9 months. and i am still unemployed. My savings is depleted. Credit card debt is high and I’m just confused. I didn’t want to get laid off. I want to have an income. But with all the interviews and all the rejections I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. And failing at everything I touch.

I think what makes it feel like it’s me is that others have gotten job. My old coworkers who got laid off the same time as me found jobs/are employed. People that started the job search later found new roles.

And I guess what’s hurting more is that one opportunity I have is a lower paying job with the same amount of work. It feels like this time off is to start worse than I was before. I don’t know what I did and am doing wrong. It feels like the waiting resulted in a worse position and if I’m honest I’m not grateful. I know I should be but I’m not. I’m bitter. I’m not trying to treat you like a genie, but the waiting was worth that? less in an already expensive place? I haven’t even gotten the job and I’m acting bitter.

And the worst part is everyone expects me to have a 5 year plan titled exactly. And to be honest I didn’t expect to live past 21 so everything is new. And it’s not like i don’t want to plan, it’s just that I don’t know. Genuinely. I desperately want to know. I’m begging to know what my life is supposed to be. But i don’t know how to plan and I’ve asked. So alas. Here I am. planless, jobless, and moneyless :). it’s not all bad. I just don’t like having a plan.

I went back home for Christmas/New Years. Its where my parents live. This is also the first time I’ve been home for longer than a week. It was a lot. But the issue is this: its is just a small southern town in the Northeast. All my friends I grew up with are engaged, married, or in serious relationships. And here I am. Desperately single. So single I’m having a hard time believing it’ll ever happen (I know I’m young yadayadayada).

But it’s not just that. It’s the fact that no one even tries. At the baby shower, everyone was trying to set up my younger sister up and not me. It feels like everyone doesn’t believe marriage, or relationships, or even love is for me. I think that’s what hurt. Something that I believe (love isn’t for me/I’m not enough/there’s something wrong with me) and I feel like that fear got confirmed many times. And it’s always getting confirmed. I feel invisible. and unseen. and unloved.

And then the secret is. What if what i desire doesn’t desire me. I’ll be honest. I’m a black Nigerian woman and I would like someone black and Nigerian. A fear of mine is that because I don’t look like those people, I’ll never be enough. I don’t care about makeup or do it daily. I have a more street style. I just feel like at times my personality derails love. And the only people that would want me are white guys into Nubian girls. It’s funny until it’s not. Or i have to settle. You said those who wait will not be put to shame and I feel ashamed the more I wait. Ashamed of me.

Finally, everyone and their mother wants to be my mentor. And I’m sick of it. I realized that the reason why it hurts so much is because they don’t see me as a friend and they’re kind of rejecting me as a friend. Like I’m not enough. that i need to be saved. that just constantly needs advice. I don’t know how to fix that, and I should be grateful but i don’t know. it kind of messes me up knowing that people don’t necessarily want to do life with me they just want to advise me on life.

I don’t know tbh what I’m feeling i just feel like i suck. Yea

I don’t feel like enough. I know you love me. But right now I don’t know why. I feel like I suck.

Like I’m a waste of space.

Thanks God. Help me God.