This is Me: Finding My Voice

This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength
- Nehemiah 8:10

Dear God,

Today I woke up with the song “joy” on my heart by Chandler Moore and Israel Houghton (up above). And today I decided that was going to be my mantra. I wanted today to be full of joy. I have a lot of worries, lots of struggles, lots of fears, but today? I just wanted to let God’s joy overrule my emotions.

Anyways, that’s what I did. I had a tutoring session and the student didn’t show up. And then I had an interview. I had one yesterday and that went terribly lol. They emailed me today saying that I didn’t get it (mind you they had already scheduled the 2 other interviews). But I didn’t let the result of the other interviews derail me (for once). I remember praying to you before and I felt so much peace throughout the interivew and even after. It didn’t make sense but I felt like God truly was in control. I don’t know if I’ll get the interview, I won’t even hear back until next Wednesday lol. But today, today? I’m just going to be full of joy.

After the interview, I went on a walk. A longgggg walk (and got my eyebrows done in between). And all i did was listen to gospel just praising God. And that was amazing. I danced so much and was just walked and moved and just thanked God. Because, I’m truly just grateful. And my heart is full of flesh and adoration and awe. I danced so much that my knees started to hurt lol. But I want that to be my heart posture. just full of gratitude. And I finished my laundry.

I also started the Chosen. Before episode 5 (when they meet Jesus), a little slow. But now, it’s picked up and it’s really good and interesting.

But now another thing arose. I’m doing a dry fast from 6-6 and also not doing social media and no sweets and I realized something. I use social media to distract but also to connect. I have this bible study that I don’t enjoy. There’s just people there that I think use it as therapy and take a lot of space in it. And normally I go on social media, but today I couldn’t. And I’m also realizing how much of my time I divvy up. Like I’m always on 2 devices. and I’m wondering what it would look like to give my full attention to God. I also use sweets to distract from my emotions. And boredom is an emotion that I want to be distracted from…a lot. And I don’t know what to do. Because there’s still 18ish days of this fast left. Like

But also, I feel like we have strayed from calling each other out as Christians. Like it’s not supposed to be bad because if we don’t that’s where bad theology arises. sigh. idk. sometimes we’re too afraid to be unliked and we need to correct with love.

Overall though this was a day full of joy. I even just got off the phone with a good friend and we caught up (while also discussing the oscar/golden globes). I’m a movie buff.

I’m reading psalm 25 and analyzing the 12 sons/tribes of Jacob. Today is Issacar. I haven’t read it yet but I’m realizing this can also be a space to reflect that. I also reflected on the country (United States). I pray that revival happens, but also full repentance occurs. And for that to occur there needs to be accountability. I think we have evaded that and have manipulated ourselves into believing lies because it’s easier than dealing with the truth. But I do pray that you will have mercy on us. And that we will be peacemakers, not through war but love. But we need your help and revival. More than ever.

And things are so expensive, and it feels so hopeless. But I hope that you’ll change our name and we’ll become hopeful.

Another thing is that I keep on having these daydreams of me on the altar praying and people are coming to the altar, and the Holy Spirit is in the church. I’m not sure if that’s a desire of my flesh or from you. I feel like it’s my flesh because it’s centering me but then also you because it’s showing my potential. I don’t know, i don’t want to do it if it glorifies me but I also don’t want to disobey you.

Thank you that you are the joy of my strength. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow holds.

Love,

Tisa Ibori