This is Me: Finding My Voice

Dear God,

Happy Friday!

This is the day that you have made!

So it was really interesting. This is the first time that when I slept multiple songs were playing (like a radio). I don’t remember the rest of thet songs, but this was the one that was on my heart when I wake up. The lyric that really hits home is “I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord”.

This will be pretty short compared to the others because nothing much happened today. Slept very late (past 3 again) and woke up later than I wanted. I couldn’t get out of my bed, however, because I was so tired and exhausted. I had originally planned to go to the gym, but I wanted to honor my body so i just rested.

I heard back from a job though! I made it…to the next round. There’s so many rounds lol. But I’m grateful for the opportunity. I also cooked. Which took a long time lol. I was wondering how I would do it because I’m not eating, but the food took so long that by the time it was time to taste, it was past 6 which yay!.

That’s really all I did today. Oh! Some things

I read about Joseph’s sons: Ephraim and Manasseh. It was interesting seeing why some scholars think Ephraim represents gentiles. His descendants had the birthright but they also fell into sin and idolatry that had disastrous results. It makes me more grateful that Jesus came and died for us. But it also made me realize how easy it is to sin. Like lol duh but even the ones who think they’d never sin sometimes fall into it. It just reminds me to be humble and lean on God in every situation but also to have sympathy for others in their journey.

I also thought of someone I hadn’t thought of in a long time. And that really hurt. To keep it short, we were friends in college (she was a year older than me, so she graduated first). And when she graduated, she ghosted me. I would text, no answer. And this was in 2021 (so like 5 years ago). And it still hurts. What makes it worse was that it felt like we were good friends and then the ghosting. It felt like I was not even valued enough as a friend to even say why. Like I was not important.

I was having a conversation with a friend and she mentioned church hurt. And I realized that one of my fears with making friends in church that they would either see me as a mentee but never a friend or a friend and I’d never be close because they would leave me for more intimate relationships and forget/neglect me.

I obviously have abandonment issues.

It’s not the story of how you get in but the testimony of getting out.

I also got called out during my devotional about how when God gives favor towards someone, what is our heart posture. They brought up David and the different reactions Jonathan and Saul had. It humbled me because I definitely have been more bitter instead of a heart of gratitude.

Not having other things makes me realize why I sin so much when I’m bored. Because I’m bored. Like right now, I;m horny, but I can’t do anything about that physicallly (cause I ain’t got no man/sin) or read/watch (sin). But it’s a biological resposne. And normally, I’d distract myself with somehing else like a show or media but not today. Today I feel the feelings of wanting someone and also being scared of having a relationship becuase I may sin.

Hopefully, tomorrow is a lot more chill and I do something. I need to exercise. And I want sweets sooooo bad. I really may have asugar addiction wow. welp…

I pray that you will reveal the breakthrough in boredom.

Love

Tisa Ibori