This is Me: Finding My Voice

Dear God,

Today I thank you. I forgot the song this morning (I do need to write it down, especially on busy days like today.)

Couple of things before I even went to church.

I can’t stop thinking about my friend. I don’t know why but she always gets me flustered after we speak. The worst part? We weren’t even speaking. I called her sister to wish her happy birthday, and she was there and she said hi to me. I’m legit smiling thinking about it right now. And I feel like she knows that I have a crush on her and she’s just playing with me. But I haven’t seen her face in 2 years and I become a flustered teenager in 3 seconds. But, couple of reasons why this isn’t good

1. Same sex attraction. I’m not denying my feelings, but I’m also not pretending they’re not a sin
2. I don’t know her! The only thing I know is that she makes me flustered and her eyes hold me in a trance
3. She doesn’t like me in that way. Anytime we text and I ask her a question, she leaves me on read…often.
4. She’s older than me. And doesn’t see me as any more than her little sister’s friend. Sigh
5. Family friend. I’ve known her all my life. And yea. It’s not a happy go story

Problem is, my brain can’t compute this. I woke up thinking about that 3 second interaction. And then I spent 40 minutes hyperventilating about why that got me giddy.

All before 10 AM.

I know I don’t like her. I don’t know anything about her to like. I don’t’ like the flusterdness and obsessiveness I have with her. I’m lusting of an idea of her and it’s not fair to her but it’s also a version of her that doesn’t exist.

Anyways, I get to church. Worship was powerful. I’ve been concerned about the church, especially with what’s going on in the inside (people, laziness in correcting sin) but I had to remember that it’s God’s church. The sermon was really good too! We’re going through the sermon on the mount and this week’s topic was prayer. It was a good reminder that prayer is about making space for God to do what he wants and being in solidarity with God. It was also a good reminder to make sure I’m not thinking of myself like the Pharisees and being humble.

Surprise surprise! I got invited to a dance class and when I tell you that worked me out! Hit my move circle on my watch and everything. But it was also a good reminder to take advantage of the opportunities in New York. But I am soreeeeee. And also shout out to you God because I really did pray that I wouldn’t faint because I’m not eating and you answered that prayer.

Unfortunately, some hard conversations. A friend that I considered one of my closest friends let me know that she doesn’t see us as that close. It was a hard conversation that I initiated but necessary. I guess I’m just spiraling because (and this is going to sound corny) it feels that once people get close to me, they find someone better and stop being friends with me. It’s like I’m a placeholder until they find a better friend. People that I consider close don’t consider me the same. And that hurts. And I know there’s a myriad of reasons, but it doesn’t take away from the pain.

I think what’s especially painful is I’m willing to do the work. To have calls and hang out and travel. They’re just not. And I’ll admit sometimes I’m a little jealous. I’m jealous of people who have close friend groups after high school or college. I know I’m supposed to be satisfied but I’m just tired of feeling disappointed in myself and that I’m a letdown.

It also makes me desire a relationship. I don’t want to idolize it, but it would be nice to have a person. Someone who’s committed to me and that values me everyday.

My emotions seem to be on a rollercoaster. So happy one day, so sad the next. Stability is the goal lol.

Sigh, I’m extremely tired so hopefully I can sleep before 12.

Love,

Tisa Ibori