This is Me: Finding My Voice

Hi God,

Today was a weird day. As in, although I was fasting I was fully distracted all day. First, I went to bed extremely late (4 AM) and woke up at 12. And then I’ve just been distracted. I haven’t heard back from the job and my devotion ended so I’ve just been…bleh. I played Sims a lot today. I don’t know it was weird. And I found a new card game (no gambling lol) that’s also taken a lot of my time. I think I also use distractions to stop worrying. And I think to think about the fact that I don’t know what I am doing.

God told me to read Psalms all year. I was supposed to read Psalm 27. I didn’t read it until 6pm.

I think when I worry, I try to distract myself instead of sitting with why I am worried. Right now, I think this job in North Carolina is the job God has called me. But what if it’s not? I would then be starting from square 1. And what if it is? TGhen I would be starting over.

Right now, what’s really scary is that I don’t know. And I’m tired of waiting. And I’m especially worried because I’ve told. And what if it isn’t? But what if it is?

I’m worried because I don’t know. And for me, trust comes with knowledge. Which is why certain aspects of faith (knowing God will show up) is easy versus the other parts (when or how it’ll look).

And I don’t know what I’m supposed to pray because all I really want is for this season to be over. And I’m so scared of being hurt or disappointed again. Because this isn’t the first time, I’ve had hope that the job was it. Or that I don’t need to search anymore and then when I get the rejection email I have to pick myself up and start over. It takes strength to continue to start over, but I am tired. I want this to be over.

And if I’m being honest, I think my time and season in New York is coming to an end. But, I’ve told God. I won’t move until he tells me to. I just want him to tell me.

I’ll end with a prayer. Because I think I need that right now

” Father Lord. Thank you. You are a good God and a good father. I thank you Lord that even in an unproductive day you are still speaking and seeking me. You still crave intimacy with me. Right now, I don’t know the future. But you do. And I’m trying to prepare my heart for pain, but I really just want to trust in you and not worry and not focus on pain. Trust that this path is the right path. Help me to rest in you. To find comfort in you during the unknown. During the “Why” days. Or the “how much longer” days. I pray and ask that this North Carolina job is mine, only if it’s in your will (but I think it is). But if it’s not, give me the strength to pick myself up and say it is well and start over. I am afraid of how much longer this will take. But when I am afraid, I put my trust in you. So help me to trust you wholeheartedly. Even in my fears and doubts to trust you. I feel like my faith is a mustard seed. I think yes but then immediately “what if no”. I give it all to you. And the next couple of days, show me and remind me how good you are and how good it can get. And when this season ends, let me not keep the journey to myself, but let me share so that others can be inspired and see that the God I serve is real. I love you. Thank you for loving me first.”
in Jesus’ name.

Amen.