This is Me: Finding My Voice

Dear God,

You know, I always come here to ask and complain but I never stop and see how you’re doing. So how are you God? What are you feeling? Someone reminded me that it’s important to stand still with you in silence.

Today was calm. I’m realizing through this that I don’t do a lot lol. But it was my friend’s surprise bday party in Philly! It was originally supposed to be a sleepover but because of the snow I decided to come back early.

But before even going back to Philly, my friend interviewed me for her school project (she’s in divinity school) and that was dope. And I feel like I have a lot of thoughts but no where to put them (besides this blog loll) and I want to be in conversation with people and talk.

There was this song from this worship pastor that I’ve been coming back to. But it made me remember how great you are, the one from tribe of Judah. But what does that mean? That you are the lion from Judah? Examining that right now lol.

One thing God has been showing me is how much I have to train my mind and body to do things even when I don’t feel like it. One thing that I’ve been slacking is nightly devotionals. But after listening to the song, I started 1 Chronicles! To dig specifically in the genealogy of Judah.

I met up with a childhood friend who lives in Philly. The convo was brisk unfortunately and surface level and I felt bad because I made her come out in the cold but I think I need to remind myself that people will come out if I ask even for a moment. I’m probably (definitely) overthinking. I do that a lot.

The surprise party was amazing! She was so surprised and felt loved. It was great seeing her cousins and friends love on her. I was grateful to see that and be a part of that.

The don’t look back. I think when I see stuff like that I wonder if I am strong enough in relationships to have that. For people to know that and want to celebrate me like that. But that’s not the right mindset. I need to be grateful for my now and relationships and not envying others.

Also a former crush is here. And although I have no feelings, something in me wants to go back to having feelings. I don’t know if it’s because i miss the feeling of desiring someone or because I’ve made rejection a part of me, but we’re not going back. Especially because we’re actually friends now and there’s no point ruining it for ghost feelings.

I pray we get back to NY well. I pray for those homeless in this storm and that they get warmth and you will make a way for them. I pray for those who aren’t prepared for this snow storm that you will comfort them.

Thanks God.