This is Me: Finding My Voice

Hi God,

Happy Wednesday! Humpp dayyyy

Today started out heavy. I woke up to my dad angry at me that I didn’t call him to tell him happy birthday at 10 AM. His birthday is today. Anyways after I got over that, I sat in my bed for hours. Luckily, my temp company called, and I got a same day assignment, which forced me out of my house.

Leaving my house, I felt a multitude of emotions. Anger, bitterness, hopelessness. But leaving I felt peace and acceptance.

First, the kids were kindergartners/1st graders and they were insanely cute. Secondly, the song by mercy me “even if” kept on playing in my head. And I think that’s my mindset. One of the lyrics is “I know the sorrow, I know the hurt could all go away if you just say the word but even if you don’t, my hope is you alone” And I guess that’s my prayer. That my hope will be in you even if it doesn’t look good. The root of my feelings is feeling abandoned. I have to remind myself that you’re a faithful God.

The jealousy/envy thing is starting to bring up issues. The assignment was a private school and I just looked up tuition. $65K. A year. And I got angry again. And I need to let it go. I’m comparing myself and thinking my life would be better if I had money to spend like that. And although yea I wouldn’t have some problems, other problems would arise. I need to be satisfied in my situation.

I don’t think I sat still. I updated my profile on Upwork. Have received no hits (even paid). I just don’t like not having income.

I did respond to friend’s text. And that was nice. Kinda how I know this isolation is over.

I also went to the gym. Have been more consistent.

I think I’m going to explore grieving. And how Job grieved. And what do you want me to get from that.

I’m sore from the gym (and I did order popeyes…) And I’m not going to pretend I’m going to sleep now because…I’m not.

Thanks God. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow. And even if it’s not, you’re still with me.

Love