This is Me: Finding My Voice

Happy Friday!

Wow it has been a week. Today I think was a time of reflection.

It has been a rough week emotionally. I have cried and cried. But most of all, I have just been exhausted. Exhausted at the state of my situation. Exhausted at starting from square 1 in the job search. Exhausted at having to rile myself up some belief in God. Exhausted at seeing the price of foods go up.

But on the other side of the exhaustion comes gratitude. Gratitude is hard for me when I’m in a tough situation. Like, yes I have breath in my lungs, but what does it mean when I don’t necessarily want to? And I know that’s morbid but that’s where I am.

Because I know myself, I made plans at 2 this morning to go to the coffee shop. I find that when I stay home, my mood goes from 10 to -500 really quick. And how true that was. I didn’t want to go. But loyalty and integrity is something that I’m working on. And walking in the cold made me realize how sad this job loss has really made me. Even me being better than I was on Tuesday doesn’t mean I’m back.

It being almost 1 year since the loss and me being exactly where I was April 2 is not really helping. I don’t know what else to do. I haven’t stopped applying.

Well, I’ve started eating sweets again. And I couldn’t even find sweets to enjoy. I don’t want to neglect what I’ve learned from the fast. I can be disciplined. I can say no. I don’t have to listen to my flesh and say yes every time.

This fast has been hard the past 5 days. I even bought food and waited until 6. Because I want to honor my vows with God. I’m just tierd.

This feels like it’s all in vain. And I want to make it clear that these are my feelings. I know this will all work out in the end. But it feels like hell.

For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.

And the LORD answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
– Habakkuk 2:2-3

I saw a random YouTube video about this. And it helped me a little. I don’t know, God’s time is always right. But it sure is taking its sweet time.

I know I should enjoy this time. But I have rent to pay for. Food to eat. I already am growing resentful because of missed opportunities. And I made a list of things that I believe God will restore by the end of this year. What if he doesn’t’? What if this isn’t the end?

I started thinking about what would happen if I don’t get a job by the end of August and I have to move back in with my parents. I would be so angry. So confused. So frustrated. And I’d feel like a failure. Because that’s the biggest emotion. Failure.

And I deleted LinkedIn. The comparison was getting to me.

I don’t really know the purpose of this blog post to be honest. This fast is almost over. And I guess I thought that by the end of it I’d have a job. Or be close. And I haven’t. And that’s disappointing.

Honestly, that’s the emotion. I’m disappointed in myself. And I’m not liking me. I feel like a failure. And I don’t know what to do. I guess I have to start hustling lol.

There’s one more day of fasting. Let’s see what happens.

Until next time.