This is Me: Finding My Voice

Today started off really well. And now I’m in my head. Lol.

So, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this in other blogs, but I serve on the prayer team at my church. And that has come with its highs and lows, but I do think I’m right where God wants me to be.

That being said, I try to consecrate myself in preparation (fasting the day before and now that the weather is nice, walking to church and praying). One worry I always have when I’m at the altar is that I am going to be praying off of my might and not by the Spirit. I know that I want the glory and desire praise because I want validation that I’m enough. But what I desire more is that God gets the glory. So, it’s been a fear if I’m being honest. That the words I’m saying are mine and not God’s.

Anyway, the service was beautiful. It was God-ordained. My friend preached a very powerful sermon, and it really made me sit and think. It was needed especially in this season.

I still don’t have a job. Or even job prospects. And the 1-year anniversary is April 1 (Also during Holy week lol). And this has been really tough, especially when I serve. Because when people come to me and ask for prayer, and their prayer gets answered, a little part of me is like, what about my request? What about my prayers? Where are you God in my situation?

I was reminded in the sermon that Jesus wants to heal more than just physical suffering. And I’ve been reminded that God is selfless. Like intrinsically. And although God is moved by our faith and powerful enough to remove the suffering, sometimes we just have to live with the tension that walking with Jesus means waiting.

So, after the sermon is the altar call. And God has been doing these “fun” things where he makes me do unorthodox ways. This time, he was directing me to pray for someone I didn’t know, but not through her, through her daughter-in-law. So, I had to motion her and pray. It was awkward because I’m just pointing and waiting, but God gets the glory.

Also please pray for my church. People are carrying heavvvy burdens. I pray we have the right tools and capabilities to go deeper with God and be a place of deliverance.

Afterwards, I had an impromptu brunch with the speaker and her family, and it was really nice (and they paid for me, FAVORRRR!). And brunch was great. And we just talked. And it made me realize how much I’ve missed them. But in a way that type of friendship. Or just chatting.

Don’t get me wrong, my friends are great, but we don’t really talk after service. I don’t know, I don’t want to compare or also think that me missing some friends means that I don’t value or love my current friends.

And then on my way home, someone stopped me and asked me to help them buy baby formula. I wanted to say no, but then a voice said, “Love them like Jesus”. And baby formula is EXPENSIVE. $56. Oh my gosh…And I was so worried that I was being scammed, or how I would pay for it. Help my focus shift to I thank God that he was able to use me for his glory. I hope she [Tina] is ok.

Anyways, after I saw this tiktok (username @ms_dapherede) and it really helped:
Pride says: I did this on my own. All by myself
False Humility: I’m nothing & I didn’t do anything
Godly humility: God gave me the ability & I use it faithfully

Anyways, I felt great. On cloud 9. And I was tired, but I try not to sleep because my sleep schedule is sensitive so if I sleep, it’s hard for me to sleep at night. The next thing I know, I wake up confused. Like hella confused. Not sure what day it is, where I’m at. It took me like 5 minutes to remember that it was Sunday. I feel like if I were employed, I would have rushed to get ready for work. Guess there was a silver lining. lol.

Anyways, I wake up confused and HORNYYYY. Like bruhhh. And again, not really sure what God feels about eroticas, but I felt like if I was watching them to ease, maybe not. So now I’m frustrated that I don’t even have anything tempting me, it’s just biology. And then after, I get sad. And lonely. And I don’t know why or what to do with this. But I speak Jesus. And that’s where I’m at right now. Like I want someone, but it doesn’t feeel (and look) like someone wants me. And that I have daydreams of finding someone at church. But my church has no single men. They come boo’d up. And I also think I’ve given up on that. Obviously I desire it but I guess I don’t believe it’s for me? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t believe I’m worthy enough to be loved or they’ll leave once they get close enough. Seeing people yearn and be intimate with each other makes me happy and sad because I can’t imagine that for me. Ain’t that something?

My sister was speaking to my mom and her friend. I’m always a little jealous, I don’t really know how to talk about my life or let people in. I think I always feel like I’m going to be judged/I feel like a failure because I’m unemployed and unmarried. I don’t know. But I guess I get a little jealous because she talks with them freely.

I know it’s a lie that I’m lonely. I’ve been speaking Jesus over my mind. And then also I’ve been getting these boils on my armpits. I don’t know how to stop them and I think the hair makes it worse. But I can’t shave because then it’ll aggravate it. The only option is laser hair and I don’t have the money right now. And my nosebleeds are getting more random and happening daily. My friend said it may have to do with exercise/walking which…hmmm. I think I’m frustrated because I’ve gone to doctors and nothing has changed. It’s gotten worse or stagnant. I’ve prayed with authority and it’s stayed the same. I think I’ve accepted this is my life instead of believing you can heal me. Help my mind.

But that’s all I have. I want to pray for myself, the world, and others. It’s scary right now because it feels and looks so hopeless and bleak. It feels like the oppressor eill win. Something I have to remind myself is that the oppressor isn’t my enemy the devil is. And God cares for theme to. And he also cares for the oppressed.

So this has been good to write the daily thoughts. And process outloud.

Help us God. Be with us God. Thy will be done. Let us feel your love in all aspects. Remember your people. We need you. Remember us like you did in the 1930s, in the 1950s. God please help us and show us your love. Help me to trust you. To believe that when I seek you, you will answer with the right response.