This is Me: Finding My Voice

My head is overrun with thoughts. And I think it’s time to break out. I want a sound mind.

I just came back from a retreat hosted by the women’s ministry at my church. And I realized a couple of things:

1. It was spiritual gifts themed! My top 5 are
   • Exhortation
   • Teaching
   • Intercession
   • Administration
   • Leadership

Am I surprised about any of these? Teaching kinda but not really. It is feeling very preacher . But this is also not great for my ego.

2. I have a really selfish view of love
   • So, after some sitting and processing with God (during the retreat), I realized I have a really selfish view of love. For me, love is viewed and seen through a lens of comparison.
     • We talk about how Jesus is the well that never runs dry. Well, because I view love through a lens of comparison, I’m constantly comparing my relationships with other ones. If they seem lcoser to someone, I want that. If they do more things I want that. The root is I’m torturing myself because I blame myself for the relationship not being “close”. And then the greed comes in. Because I’m greedy for their time, resources.
     • And I also have this fear that I’m not enough. And I think that makes me do things more as a way to buy people’s love. But it gets weird because I’d say that 80% of the time it’s genuine, but someitmes…sometime it is for a selfish cause.
     • I want to genuinely be satisfied in my relationships but sometimes…they don’t feel deep or intimate. And I don’t have people I talk to daily. Or often. And I get annoyed by people easily. And when I do try to go deeper it feels…inauthentic. I don’t know. A lot of my friends from college we’re not friends anymore. Or I outgrew them. And it feels like this is my fault. Yes, people outgrow but everyone? And it’s lonely. And hard. And I guess the root is that Jesus isn’t my center. Jesus isn’t my well. He’s the expensive water at the restaurant that’s going to cost substantially more, so I take tap but it’s not as filling. And I don’t know. It feels the older I get, the more I crave relationships but I’m not good at sustaining them. Or maybe a beeter phrase is that I’m not good at sustaining the deep ones and when they do get deep I latch unto them at an obsessive level until I get bored or disinterested. And I look for the shiny new toy (another friend) until the cycle starts again.
   • How I got there was thinking about God and my relationship. A couple of weeks ago, a divine word was spoken over me: “The wait is over”. I believed (and still do) that it meant that I would be receiving a new job soon. And so many doors have opened, job-wise. But I was thinking, what if I’m wrong? What if it’s not this? What if I’m in this period of joblessness longer? And although I may say that God will not abandon or forsake me, in my heart I doubt that. A lot.
     • I do think, after sitting with it, that my belief that God will abandon me is connected to the lack of love I have in myself. I always see myself as the last choice, and I also compare myself to others and am always falling short. Even this list it’s all things I need to improve and not positive traits.
3. I don’t know how to rest in God.
   • I guess, with not being employed and not having something to do for 8 hours, I thought I’ve been resting in God. But that’s not true. When I went to the retreat I truly rested in God. My body felt rejuvanated and I guess I’m realizing that resting for me is shown when my mind is not racing. I slept before 1 every day. The minute I came back to NY I couldn’t sleep until 4AM.
   • And I think resting for me is seeing God’s glory. Being in nature. Not being stuck in my room. Worshipping. Talking to people. And not talking about hardships just talking about life and “small talk”. And I laughed. And I worshipped. And I rested. And it was so so so needed. I didn’t realize how much heaviness I was carrying until I came back. My thoughts havne’t stopped rushing. So maybe it’s not I don’t know how to rest, but more it’s hard for me to fully rest in God.

I’m also being really hard on myself. And I don’t know how to sotp. Because I think I feel if I act a certain way then things won’t change. Or things/people won’t leave me if I’m not. I guess the fear is that once I show my authentic/flawed self, people don’t want to stay. But I don’t want to lean on God but I do want community. And becasue I yearn, I also will do whatever it takes to keep it, even if that means neglecting my true self. And this kinda reinforces that I (me) won’t ever find true love.

I also learned that I’m truly sufforing from ego. Self doubt, low self esteem along with excessive pride to mask. So yea…that’s great

This entire blog I didn’t write one positive thing. And I still can’t if I’m being honest. This journey of self love is really hard. And I think it’s harder without a path.

It’s time to sleep.